Shaming signals, quite naturally, bring us to the topic of guilt, which is the internal version of shame. Guilt lock explains one of life’s great mysteries: how you can feel so bad about a given event and still do nothing about it. Guilt lock is the emotional equivalent to gridlock, and it is just as paralyzing.

Let’s say you really love your grand mother and you know she’d like to hear from you. You mean to send her a card or call—but you don’t. Time passes. It really bothers you that you haven’t called or written, and yet you still do neither. Your nagging guilt turns up at odd times, when you’re falling asleep or driving to work, but the fact remains that, even though you’re increasingly feeling ashamed of your - self, you some how never call or write.

After a while you’ve let this slide for an inexcusable length of time. You feel terrible about it; other family members have started to make comments, and, still, some how, you don’t do it.

You’re not a miserable excuse for a human being. You’ve hit guilt lock. Guilt lock springs from a little known fact of human nature. We think of guilt as a motivator, yet often the opposite is true. Researchers found that when we feel guilty, rather than act, we tend to avoid what - ever it is that made us feel guilty.

Doing nothing naturally leads to more guilt, which creates more avoidance, which creates more guilt, until we are thinking about the problem all the time and can’t bear to do a thing about it.

That’s guilt lock.

Solution: Taking Action Breaks Guilt Lock

The good thing about guilt lock is that once you act, the worst is over. It’s not acting that’s the killer. Do anything useful at all to break the paralysis, then follow up with your next move before it gets another grip on you. Once you act, keep acting. Momentum is the key.

Here are some tips for breaking guilt lock:

• Remind your self that you are neither crazy or worthless. You’ve hit a common human glitch.
• De-escalate the pres sure. Quit calling your self names and turn off the guilt-inducing tape in your head. You need to be less guilt-rid den, not more.
• Write down steps of what you need to do. Don’t worry if they’re not in order—you may be flooding and may have trouble with sequence. Just write down all the steps that come to mind.
• Next, choose one or two of the steps to get started. Choose some thing you can man age emotionally. For instance, if you need to write thank-you notes for your wedding (now eight months past), you can make a guest list or buy stamps.
• Give your self a dead line for starting on the core issue, like committing to writing ten thank-you notes by Wednesday.

In building momentum, it’s fine to start small. Also, it may help to have a friend with you in the room while you do these things. It may sound unnecessary to need a buddy around while you write out thank- you notes, but it helps to have some one on hand in case you freeze up again. Your friend can tackle part of the work or just hang out and read a book. Your friend’s main job is to keep you calm and in motion.

Excerpt from Home Without Going Crazy: How to Get Along with Your Parents and Family (Even When They Push Your Buttons) by Andra Medea.