Look over the lists of innie and outie tendencies below. Which profile do you fit better? Which does your partner fit? Ask each other what you think about yourself and your partner. Discuss differing opinions. If you’re somewhere in the middle and can’t tell which way you lean, think about what you need most: innies need more quiet time and outies require more outside stimulation. Or you can go to our Web site (www.hiddengifts.net) and complete the thirty-question "Introvert/Extrovert Questionnaire."

Innies may have the following tendencies

• They think before they act or speak.
• They make good eye contact when listening, less so when speaking.
• When speaking they have soft voices, appear calm, pause frequently, may sound hesitant, and may hunt for words.
• They enjoy solitude and feel drained after too much socializing.
• They prefer one-on-one conversing to party patter.
• They have one or two good friends.

Outies may have the following tendencies

• They shoot from the hip and the lip.
• They act first and think later.
• They have good eye contact when speaking, less so when listening.
• When speaking they show facial expressions, move their body, interrupt others, speak loudly, sound authoritative, and have a silver tongue.
• They enjoy excitement, plenty of activities, and socializing and feel drained by too much solitude.
• They consider lots of folks to be their friends.
• They love party chatter.

set points

As shown in the illustration below, the innie-outie continuum extends between two poles: extreme introversion and extreme extroversion.

E ________________________________________________________________ I

We are all born with our personal "set points" (where we function best) located somewhere between those two poles (Bloom, Beal, and Kupper 2003). Of course, we all must use both sides of the continuum. But we also have one side that is dominant. Based on our genetics, each of us will tend toward either the innie or the outie side of the continuum, rather like we do with right- or left-handedness. We function best if we stay within our comfort zone, the area surrounding our set point. The continuum allows humans to be flexible. We can function outside of our comfort zone for a time, but then our bodies and brains become stressed.

When stressed, our energy is drained and we don’t function well. If stress goes on too long our health and performance can be damaged. For this and many other reasons, then, it’s highly important that we each know our own temperament and set point (as well as our partner’s). That way, we can keep our batteries charged, stay in our comfort zone most of the time, and keep stress to a minimum.

So what’s your set point? Estimate where yours is located.

fresh footwork

Couples develop ingrained relational dance steps based on each partner’s temperament. After a while, you may find yourself on automatic pilot when you execute your dance. You only know how to cha-cha, for example. You cha-cha forward, and he cha-chas back; he gets mad and you stomp out; and so on. It’s hard to change these ingrained patterns. But you can do it. Armed with your new knowledge of temperament, you and your partner can attempt some newfangled footwork. When you know each other better, you can team up, try new steps, and create fresh combinations. You can even have some fun. You may step on each other’s toes a few times, but just keep practicing. Learning new ways of relating to each other improves trust and flexibility, reduces conflict and stress, and increases your ability to resolve conflicts. Have a good time fox- trotting through the chapters ahead.

Excerpt from The Introvert & Extrovert in Love: Making it Work When Opposites Attract by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D., MFT and Michael L. Laney.