One of the key lessons of attachment theory is that you have to learn how to soothe yourself so you can be mentally and emotionally free to explore and make the most of your world. No person or thing can give you happiness or a good life. These are rewards that only you can find in your own life. Yet you may feel that the details of your life get in the way of being happy and content.

Distress Tolerance

Do you become more easily aggravated, frustrated, irritable, or angry than you would like? Do you find yourself driven to tears, feeling overwhelmed or exhausted by things that seem to feel minor to other people? If you’re prone to rumination and worry, you prob¬ably do. Your stress response and your inner critic feed off each other, spending all of your emotional energy so that there’s none left for happiness and joy. One of the things that emerges with both secure attachment and regular mindfulness practice is a skill that psychologists call distress tolerance, which refers to the degree to which you can maintain your peace of mind, equanimity, and focus in difficult situations.

Nothing can trigger your stress response quite as easily and in the same way as that inner voice that dictates your rumination and worry. As long as your stress circuitry is easily kicked into gear by whatever may or may not happen to you, disrupting other thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the happiness you long for will be out of your reach. Happiness will be unreliable, brought to you by the whim of things outside of your control. With the only life you have, the one you’re living, the choice is yours: do you want to apply your effort to feel worse or better than you already do?

Higher distress tolerance offers you the opportunity to create opportunities for happiness by getting in control of the direction your mind moves toward. People who have a relatively high distress tolerance aren’t easily frazzled by trivial stresses. They don’t easily blow events out of proportion, and seem to be able to enjoy life more. Everyone has limits, but people with very high distress toler¬ance may find it easier than others to focus their energy on happi¬ness and well-being. Fortunately, distress tolerance, like reading and writing, is also a skill that can be learned.

Excerpt from The Mindful Path through Worry and Rumination: Letting Go of Anxious and Depressive Thoughts by Sameet M. Kumar Ph.D.