Solving problems with other people takes thought and energy. Sometimes it is hard to put aside our angry feelings and try to work things out. Learning and remembering some problem-solving guidelines can make it easier to act and resolve your problems assertively.

Gina’s grandma had more cats than anyone Gina knew. There were five altogether: two that stayed inside the house and three that stayed outside. When Gina visited her grandma, she liked to help her feed and brush the cats.

One day while Gina was playing with the cats, she told her grandma about a problem she was having with her best friend, Sean. Gina said that she and Sean were arguing all the time and she hated it.

“What do you argue about?” asked her grandma.

“We disagree about everything,” said Gina. “And we never stop. We argue about the same things over and over again and never get anything solved.”

“It sounds like you need some help from the five CATTS,” said her grandma.

“The cats?” asked Gina. “How could they help us?”

Gina’s grandma got out a piece of paper and wrote the letters C-A-T-T-S down the side. “If you can remember these five letters,” she said, “then you can remember some good problem- solving guidelines.” Next her grandma wrote a phrase to go along with each letter:

C— Calm down. “You have to be calm before you try to solve a problem or you’ll be too angry to think clearly,” she said.

A— Allow a good amount of time. “You have to allow enough time to really sit and listen to each other and work on the problem.”

T— Think ahead. “If you think ahead about what you want to say, what is important to you, and how you might solve the problem, you will stick to the subject and solve things more quickly.”

T—Talk nicely. “No name calling or saying mean things to the other person.”

S— Stay focused on one problem. “Don’t talk about other problems or things that happened days or weeks ago. Just stick to the one problem you have today.”

The next time Gina and Sean were together, she told him about the five CATTS guidelines and he agreed to try them. They decided to meet on Saturday morning when they were both free. They both thought ahead of time about what they wanted to say. They both came to the meeting calm and relaxed. They decided to stick to the subject of which movie to see that afternoon. They chose nice words to express their thoughts and feelings. Because they took the time to use the CATTS guidelines, they agreed on a movie without getting into an argument. Then they both went to Gina’s grandma’s house to thank her and the cats for the great system!

… And More

C—Here are some healthy ways to calm down:

• Take deep breaths.
• Listen to peaceful music.
• Relax your muscles.
• Look at a pretty scene in nature.
• Think about something relaxing.

A— These situations allow a good amount of time to try solving a problem:

• When you have a day off from school
• When you have time alone together
• When your homework is finished
• While you are going for a walk

T— These things would be good to think ahead about before you try to solve a problem with someone:

• How you could agree
• What part you played in the problem
• What you would compromise on
• What you want to say
• What goal you both have

T—Here are ways you can talk nicely to someone you are working out a problem with:

• “I think I understand.”
• “I feel hurt when you say that.”
• “I want to listen to you.”
• “Please hear my side.”
• “I’m trying to see your side.”

S—These lists stay focused on one problem:

• Which movie to see, what time to leave, whose parents will drive
• Whose house to play at, what to bring, if you can stay for dinner
• Whether to bike or hike, where to go, if we should ask another friend to come

excerpt from Cool, Calm, and Confident: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills.