To put it very simply, women tend to think and process their feelings when they are depressed, and men tend to act. A man who takes action in the face of depression can either be extremely adaptive (such as going out to look for a job if he is feeling depressed about being unemployed) or extremely maladaptive (such as picking a fight and getting drunk to escape feeling bad about himself). Research studies report that when women describe what they actually do when they are depressed, they say, “I try to find out why I feel the way I do,” or “I try to analyze my mood” (Nolen-Hoeksema 1993). For men, the patterns are typically quite different. Most men report that they turn to an activity they enjoy or simply decide to distract themselves from the bad feelings: “I decide not to concern myself with my mood.” Of course, many people (especially men) are likely to respond with “What do you mean, depressed?”

Seligman concludes that “men and women experience mild depression at the same rate, but in women, who dwell on the state, the mild depression escalates; men, on the other hand, dissolve the state by distracting themselves, by action or perhaps by drinking it away” (1998, 87). While distraction can come in very handy, this particularly male pattern of avoiding uncomfortable emotional states often leads to avoidance, denial, minimization, and acting out. The distress is there, but it remains unnamed and unclaimed.

This reluctance to face up to depression makes life especially difficult for people like me, who are trying to help men get through it, and for people like you, who have to live with it.

Many researchers and theorists who focus on male depression syndrome have tried to identify the central patterns that characterize this long-standing but only recently understood condition (Pollack 1998a; Real 1997). These patterns cluster into four main categories of behavior patterns: discontent with self, antagonism and blame, exaggerated behavior, avoidance and escape. Please note that some of these patterns set the stage for one or more of the other ones. And it is important to remember that these patterns might overlap with more traditional symptoms usually seen in typical overt depression (like despondency, pessimism, low self-esteem, sleep and appetite disturbances, etc.). But they are just as likely to stand on their own: desperate attempts to fend off the core, underlying, unnamed, unacceptable depression.

Excerpt from Is He Depressed or What? by David B. Wexler