The twinship self-object is parallel to the mirroring self-object, refer ring to the need we all have to be members of the same club or clan, to feel that we are all in this together. Like the experience of mirroring, the twinship experience can be deeply emotionally fulfilling. In moderate doses—like moderate doses of mirroring—this is one of the most human and enriching experiences of all. It helps provide self-cohesion. But the longing for this, if you’re feeling deprived of it, can catapult you into destructive behavior pat terns. Consider Eduardo, whose inner emptiness led him to a desperate and shameful search for twin ship. It is especially interesting to pay attention to his description of one of the key positive ingredients of this experience: “We’re exactly alike, looking for the same thing in the same place.”

The healthy awareness of the need for twinship would allow you to say to your wife or partner, You know, I feel really lost sometimes with out all the special times we used to have together. It just seems like having kids and get ting used to each other and money problems have really taken their toll. I guess you must feel the same way. Here you, as a man, shift from needing your partner to be a mirror reflecting you to recognizing the ways in which the two of you are profoundly alike. She is no longer the enemy, but rather a comrade along the difficult road of life. A comrade who is inevitably flawed, but no more fundamentally flawed than you.

Elaine has an intuitive sense about the power of twinship experiences. She tries to defuse Bob and engage him from this point of view. “Bob, you can’t hear yourself, or you’d shut up. Can you listen to me for a minute?... Now, you listen to me for a few minutes. I know you’re working hard, as hard as anyone can. And I know you’re worried and scared. Like I am. And you’re right, it’s true, this life is shit,” she says (271-72).

She proceeds to tell Bob about some of the plans she has developed to help them get out of this bad situation: her job and counseling for one of their daughters. Unfortunately, Elaine is too late. Her attempts to get them involved in solving these problems together, as “twins,” fails because of Bob’s emotional disarray. He hears and sees only failure and self-blame, and he unravels even more.

Exercise: We’re in This Together

Here are some examples of blaming statements converted into twinship statements. As you review these, think of situations when you have made blaming statements to your wife or partner and consider how you might have been able to convert them into twinship statements instead.

Blaming Statements

1. You’re ruining every thing in this relation ship.
2. It’s like you’re never happy to see me when I come home! You have become such a bitch!
3. I never get to have the free time I used to have before our kids were born!
4. I am busting my ass working hard, and there’s never any money for me to have the stuff I want!

Twinship Statements

When you think about your relationship as a twinship experience, you are less likely to feel resentful and victimized. Remember that our universal longing for twinship also means that twinship statements are much less likely to lead to defensive responses from your partner.

excerpt from When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationshipby David B. Wexler, Ph.D.