Take a moment to think about the relationships in your life that are most important to you – those in which you feel closest to someone else. What is it about those relationships that you most value? Take a few moments and jot down your thoughts about this in your parenting journal.

If you’re like many parents, one of the valued characteristics you listed may have been “feeling heard.” When we’re very lucky, we find ourselves in relationships in which people “get” us – they have a solid understanding of our wants, desires, and dreams. They communicate that understanding in how they behave around us – by calling our attention to things we care about or being thoughtful without being asked and without expecting anything in return. Because these things are important to you, you won’t be surprised that these same attributes are probably what your child most values and trusts about her relationship with you.

Taking time to nurture a relationship like this with your child is important. After all, you’re the “base” from which your child ventures out into the world. You ensure his safety and offer a lens through which he will views other important relationships throughout his life. You show your young child how to be in the world by the way you relate to and behave with him. And that is an enormous responsibility – as well as an exquisite gift.

In order for your child to feel heard, it’s important to be “attuned” to your child. Attunement means having a child, you’ll be able to empathize with her thoughts and feelings, respond to her wishes, and facilitate her goals. You will also be able to better predict what your child will do next and to take in new information about your child as she grows – even when it might be inconsistent with your past experience of her. In short, attunement means openness to your child, and this capacity will help you to respond in a sensitive, caring way to her needs. Mindful awareness is an extremely helpful way to become fully present to your child and to enhance your attunement to her.

Find some time – about fifteen minutes – for the exercise below, in which you’ll explore some ideas for nurturing your relationship with your child.

exercise: building an attuned relationship with your child

• Think of a time when your child was learning something brand-new – maybe taking her first steps, or writing his own name or tying his shoes for the first time, or even taking her first breath. Write the time you’re thinking of in your parenting journal.


• Now close your eyes and take five to ten minutes to consider what that experience will lik for each of you at that time. Really put yourself back in that space. Imagine it now in as much detail as possible: Where are you? What is that place like? Where is your child? What are you thinking, feeling, and experiencing as bodily sensation? What does your face look like? What does your child’s face look like? Consider what he’s wondering about and feeling. Is there vitality in that moment? Does it feel life-giving for your child, for you? Write your reactions to these questions in your journal.


• Imagine now that your child makes a mistake – falls down, misspells, or otherwise struggles with carrying out this new skill successfully. Really feel that experience in this moment. What is it like for your? How do you think your child experiences this moment? How would you hope to repond in this situation? Take some time to write about this in your journal.


• Reflect for a few minutes about how you might respond – in a similar way or differently if your child makes a mistake during a task that she’s already been doing for a long time, one that she already knows how to do well. Why might such mistakes happen? (For example, a sick child might soil himself even though he’s been “going potty” for months. Or a child who hasn’t been getting as much attention since the new sibling was born might begin to act out in order to get attention.) Notice any reactions that you have to the reasons these things happen, and write those down.

Like many parents, you’ll probably develop a stronger sense of understanding and empathy when you can determine why your child behaves a certain way. You’ll get better at predicting how your child will respond in certain situations, and you can plan accordingly. You can even respond differently to problem behavior, using rules and consequences based on the bigger picture. When you do this, you’ll begin to see your child as more than just a collection of misbehaviors, and your relationship will improve. We hope that these things will become true for you.

excerpt from The Joy of Parenting: An Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Guide to Effective Parenting in the Early Years by Lisa W. Coyne, Ph.D. and Amy R. Murrell, Ph.D.