As 1999 closes and we move into 2000, Emma and Sam have slipped happily into the routine of first grade, playdates, art lessons, and soccer practices. Adam has graduated from high school and is taking theory classes at the Conservatory of Music to prepare himself for university. Carlie lives nearby with her mother and stays with us on alternate weekends.

I love being in the center of the busy energy in our home. However, I hold my breath every time the phone rings. I know at any moment the police could call to say there has been some activity on the criminal investigation, and our lives will be thrown into a tailspin.

I agonize over how the waiting must be affecting families on the other side of the tragedy. Surely parents have seen loved teenagers change over the last two years as they have tried to push the events of New Year’s Eve 1997 far, far down into the realm of forgotten memory. I imagine those parents watching in isolation, fearing something horrible has happened to pull the light from their children’s eyes, but having no idea what it was.

I am removed from what is going on in Squamish. In addition to the physical distance, a significant emotional chasm has formed between me and many of the people I had been close to. My wrongful death suit has caused many people to take sides. Some feel it is unfair of me to go after the Cudmores, while others hope they will finally get the message about the effect their son’s aggressive behavior is having on the community. This emotional distance compounds my sense of loss. It was not just Bob who was swept from my life—many more relationships disappeared as well, and I have had to start all over again. I miss the familiar comfort of being surrounded by people who know me. But I also have to look out for the best interests of my family, and if people do not condone the decisions I have made, then that is their problem, not mine.

Excerpt from Walking After Midnight: One Woman's Journey Through Murder, Justice, and Forgiveness by Katy Hutchison