The quickest way to transform your child’s problem into strengths is to ask yourself repeatedly “What is right with my child?” This will force you to find your child’s gifts. One parent whose child didn’t do as well as other children in school, was able to tell herself that her child was creative and artistic and she could foster those qualities. When she was tempted to sink into despair when she compared her own son with other kids who seemed to easily do well in school she asked herself “What’s right with my child?” It will be normal to compare your child to others. There is no way to avoid doing so in our competitive culture. I think that there is no freedom from worry when you are a parent, but you can find freedom IN your worry. That means that you recognize that worry is the work of being a parent and you channel it into productive action and stay positive.

One of the main reasons to focus on gifts is that doing so can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Children often live up to or sadly, down to our expectations. If we focus on what our children do well, they will continue to excel and build skills and passion. If you focus on what she cannot do, your child may adapt a style of patching up weaknesses and always feeling less than others. In patching up weaknesses, you are in effect focusing on those weaknesses. You will likely get more of what you focus on – in this case more poor performance.

Below you will find five fun and easy activities that will transform your child and you too!

Fun Monitor

The foundation of emotional intelligence is a background buzz of happiness. Even research on learning has shown that endorphins – chemicals released when we are having fun – promotes brain development. In the interest of creating a strong foundation for emotional intelligence, each week you can assign one person in your family to be the “fun monitor.” This person takes on the following role:

• plans a fun activity (a family walk, a sporting event etc.)
• tries to think of ways to make regular activities more fun
• encourages or provides entertainment through telling jokes, asking others to tell funny stories, or putting on music for the family to enjoy.

This new family role which will rotate every week will help your family stay on track and provide a soft landing when kids are struggling with conflicts and demands.

The Hearty WHOOPS!

One of the most important things a coach can do is to motivate his child to keep going even when the child goofs up. You can practice this by having your child make silly mistakes and practicing an exaggerated whoops response. Imagine a clown who slips on a banana peel and exaggerates it and makes dramatic gestures and silly faces amplifying the stupid mistake. You want your child to be able to have a healthy wince and admit mistakes but not be stopped by them. Don’t waste your time teaching your child to be perfect. Don’t try to teach your child not to fail. Teach your child the healthy rebound – resilience. Every life will face disappointment, rejection, failure. You don’t want to teach your child to be failure phobic. Play at failing and making a quick recovery. This way your child won’t be tempted to make small dreams to avoid failure. He also won’t be stopped when he does encounter failure. This is the key recipe for success – big dreams plus not being stopped by rejection, disappointment and failure.

You can do this activity by taking turns with your child, practicing a pratfall – like a clown actually falling down on the floor. You can also practice it by spilling water or carrying a load of laundry and dropping it all. You can also practice it in real life situations, including when your child brings home a quiz with a mistake, or makes a bad play in a sporting event. It will also bond you and your child together as you show your own potential for silliness and you can try to outdo each other with your Hearty Whoops!

Lara Honos-Webb, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist licensed in California. She is author of The Gift of ADHD: How to Transform Your Child's Problems into Strengths, The Gift of ADHD Activity Book and The Gift of Adult ADD, and Listening to Depression: How Understanding Your Pain Can Heal Your Life which was selected by Health Magazine as one of the best therapy books of 2006. Visit her website at Visionary Soul. For more tips and tools about depression, adhd and parenting sign up for Dr. Lara Honos-Webb’s newsletter.