For some people, romantic fusion activates a totally different set of feelings. Those who fear it feel the same hunger for intimate connection that all people do, but the closer they get to it, the more they want to run away. Instead of the ecstasy that bonding offers, they feel terror, mistrust, anger, and debilitating fear.

Though there are many reasons why people fear intimacy, most often it is because they have experienced pain in their past intimate connections. Though betrayal can happen at any time of life, the most significant damage is done in childhood, when helplessness creates raw vulnerability.

Children who are abused, neglected, or emotionally erased have only known intimacy paired with pain or loss. They often grow into adults who cannot trust or sustain intimacy without expecting those negative feelings to resurface. These negative feelings may not show up in the relationship’s initial stages, when there’s enough emotional distance and a sense of control. But when their partner gets too close, they begin to feel suffocated, antici¬pating being captured and traumatized again. Driven by those fears, they push their partner away. Now separate and lonely, they may try to win back their partner and recapture the very intimacy from which they’ve fled.

People who are afraid of intimacy may eventually become commitment phobic, avoiding intimacy and long-term commitment. After multiple fail¬ures, they may talk about intimate relationships in these ways:

• “Once I commit, I’ll never be able to leave, even if I’m unhappy.”
• “I’ll feel guilty and torn if I don’t do what I’m asked.”
• “I may lose the option of finding someone better.”
• “I will risk being abandoned.”
• “I’ll feel trapped.”
• “I’ll be controlled.”
• “I’ll be obligated to be what someone else wants me to be.”
• “I’ll hurt someone.”
• “I’ll forget who I am.”

All of these explanations for avoiding intimacy have a common core: the anticipation and certainty that intimacy will result in exploitation.

the partners of intimacy saboteurs

If you are an intimacy saboteur, you may not experience any fear early on in your relationship. In fact, in the beginning, you are likely to be eager to connect, warmly responsive and seemingly okay. Then, often without warning, you may begin to feel cornered, irrationally blaming your partner for superficial mistakes.

When you have pushed your partner away, he or she has probably reacted with confusion and resentment, tried hard to reconnect, and pushed you farther away. Your rejecting behavior can also increase your partner’s clinginess. Most people will try harder when they’ve been trained to expect intimacy and then lose it without explanation.

Once successful in getting your partner to finally give up and leave the relationship, you have most probably used your well-honed reentry seduc¬tion to promise your partner a positive outcome the next time around. If your partner loved you enough to try again, you were given the opportunity to play out that cycle for a while. But eventually, unless your partner is willing to tolerate this pull-in–push-away behavior, he or she will eventu¬ally move on.

evaluating your ability to sustain intimacy

The following questions will help you determine if you are an intimacy saboteur:

• Do you begin relationships wanting to be intimate and then run when your partner gets too close?
• Do you use words like “needy,” “dependent,” “pushy,” or “con¬trolling” to describe your partner when you need to create distance?
• When your partner expects more commitment, do you start to find fault with him or her?
• In your love relationships, do you seek closeness and then destroy it?
• Do you find that the more emotionally distant you are from your partner, the more you miss him or her?
• When you begin to feel dependent on your lover, do you push her or him away?
• Do you avoid your fears by only connecting with unavailable partners or those you can easily dump?
• Do you frequently test your partner’s love?
• When your relationships end, are you likely to feel a mixture of relief and grief: glad you can’t be hurt anymore and saddened that you have again pushed away the love you need?

If you sincerely want to be in a committed relationship but fear holds you back, please take heart. Fear of intimacy can be conquered. With a caring partner who respects your conflict and doesn’t take it personally, you can learn to set clearer boundaries and enjoy the comfort of closeness without the fear of being engulfed.

exercise: separating your desire for intimacy from your need to run

Pick one of your adult relationships where you remember inviting your lover into ever-increasing levels of intimacy before you hit a wall where you had to push that person away. Using your journal, make two lists. The first will be statements you’ve made to your partner when you were excited about your relationship. The second will be the reasons you used to back off when the relationship got too close. Here are some sample lists:

Getting Close

• “I’m so comfortable with you.”
• “You’re so easy to talk to.”
• “I love spending time with you.”
• “I really like your friends.”
• “I’ve never known anyone as interesting as you are.”
• “I love the way you cuddle.”
• “You never ask too much of me.”

Backing Away

• “You’re too needy.”
• “I don’t feel like talking.”
• “I need some time to myself. I never get anything done anymore.”
• “Your friends are too demanding.”
• “Can you talk about something that actually interests me?”
• “I feel closed in. Can you sleep on the other side of the bed?”
• “I can’t keep up with all your requirements.”
• “You’re asking too much lately.”

You may find yourself feeling embarrassed as you compare your two lists. That’s understandable. Without putting yourself down, keep exploring your thoughts and feelings. When you look at the statements you made as you were backing away, were you internally aware that you were not trying to break up with your partner? Were you just feeling cornered and in need of some space? Most probably, the relationship hadn’t changed, but your ability to handle the intimacy had met its limit.

excerpt from Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love by Randi Gunther Ph.D.