Your self-absorbed parent may still expect you to be at his beck and call, even though you are an adult and have a life and responsibilities separate from him. He may make unreasonable demands on you to do things he can do for himself, to be responsible for his physical and emotional welfare, to always do what he wants you to do or to be what he wants you to be, to act on his desires and wishes, and to accept his authority without dissent. He seems to think that your responsibilities, such as a job or family time, should be secondary to whatever he thinks or wants. You may try to meet as many of his expectations and demands as you possibly can, but you can never give him enough, and trying to meet his demands may even be detrimental to other parts of your life. Both unreasonable demands and intrusive questions show a lack of understanding and respect for your boundaries. Further, both put you in a position where you run the risk of off ending if you do not immediately comply and do what is wanted or supply the desired answers. Intrusive questions are those that ask for intimate, personal, and sensitive information about yourself or others that you may not want to share. When faced with questions like these, you may need time to understand your own needs, desires, and wishes, and when engaged in an interaction, you cannot take the time you need. You are too busy interacting and reacting. These types of questions can be used to put you on the defensive, to illustrate how wrong or inadequate you are in some respect, and other such negative goals. The most irritating thing about intrusive questions is that there is unconscious internal pressure as well as external pressures to provide answers when questions are asked. It can be difficult to ignore or refuse to answer these, especially when they come from a parent. Part of the problem with parental unreasonable demands and intrusive questions is the parent’s inability or unwillingness to accept you as separate and distinct from him. When he makes these demands, he fails to understand that you are a functioning adult to be related to as an adult, and he is exhibiting self-absorbed attitudes of entitlement and exploitation. On your side, you may still be relating to your parent as if you were a child, feel the need to comply with his demands or answer his questions, and not know how to set reasonable limits for him to relate and behave with you. Mostly what you are dealing with are your feelings about disappointing your parent, not being a “good child,” and being perceived as rude or disrespectful. These are difficult feelings to overcome to the extent where you are able to refuse unreasonable demands, comply with reasonable ones to the best of your ability, and refuse to answer intrusive questions while still sharing something of your life. Some of the suggestions provided later in this chapter and in the remainder of the book may be helpful, but some challenges may need help from a competent therapist to build and fortify your self to attain more complete separation and individuation.

specific strategies to work

Presented below are general strategies that can be used with all types of self-absorbed parents. First are three internal states to reduce or eliminate. Second are four actions not to take, and third are constructive acts that can be helpful in difficult situations.

reduce your vulnerability

First, do your best to reduce or eliminate the following:

• Your yearning and longing for your parent to show empathy, liking, and love for you
• Wishing that your parent would change
• Your emotional susceptibility

You may be able to reduce your yearning, longing, and wishing by becoming aware that these states are the roots for some, or much, of the discomfort you experience with your self-absorbed parent. Much pain will disappear when you can accept that your parent is unlikely to become the parent of your dreams, is unlikely to change, and sees no need for changing. The reality is that your longing, yearning, and wishing is futile. This doesn’t mean that your parent doesn’t love you. It does mean that he doesn’t and can’t love you in the way that you want or need. So, if the parent will not change, you can change. You may not be able to help being emotionally susceptible with your parent, even if you have a rebellious response rather than a compliant one. Emotional susceptibility means that you are open to catching other people’s feelings and may then also act on these as if they were your own. As we saw earlier in the book, catching others’ feelings and acting on them is what is known as projective identification. An example could be when you become angry and cannot let go of the anger after an interaction with your parent. If this is projective identification, then what happened is that the parent projected his unwanted anger on to you, you caught the anger and internalized it on top of your existing irritation or fear, and then you began to act on it by becoming angry and unable to let this feeling go. Reduction of emotional susceptibility can take some time and effort to achieve, but it’s well worth the effort. Working with a therapist to build and fortify your psychological boundaries is a long-term strategy. Using the nonverbal techniques described later in this chapter can be helpful in the short term. These nonverbal techniques will reduce the likelihood of your positioning yourself to catch the parent’s feelings and then unconsciously incorporating and acting on them. You may think that you have too much empathy, or that you are too sensitive, but it is much more likely that you are emotionally susceptible to unconsciously catching others’ feelings and do not have sufficient psychological boundary strength. Boundary strength can be built, but it takes time and effort, and you need something to use in the interim. The strategies described here should be helpful.

actions to avoid

This next set of suggestions is focused on actions that you will want to work hard to avoid. These may be tempting to use because they can be a part of who you are or may provide some short-term satisfaction. Please do not use any of the following:

• Retaliation
• Empathizing
• Confrontation
• Disclosure of intimate thoughts and feelings

These do not help either the situation, your relationship with your self-absorbed parent, or your feelings about yourself. They are counterproductive and are not constructive for your growth and development.

excerpt from Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown Ed. D.