“You know what I mean?” How often is this said in ordinary conversation? Sometimes to check in with the listener before continuing on, but sometimes it’s framed as a statement that indicates assumed understanding.

Do we, as therapists understand what our clients mean by certain words, terms or cultural jargon? Do we ask for clarification or admit a lack of understanding? Often, we don’t. Why is this? We want to be seen as empathic, as wise, as “getting” our clients’ world. We want to foster a feeling of closeness and connection. Even if they have been misunderstood by the world, we can offer something else. “You know what I mean?” “Yeah.”

Our society also places a value on politeness (even if you don’t think it much in evidence these days). Sameness is important, to have a sense of belonging, to be one of the crowd. It’s rude to draw attention to differences, or mistakes. We shouldn’t make others uncomfortable. Therapists are often in a position of doing socially unacceptable things – drawing attention to statements or needs a client would rather sweep under the carpet, pointing out discrepancies, asking the client to feel an emotion in the moment when their closest friends would allow a change of subject or judiciously look away.

When a client says, “You know what I mean,” as statement or question, it’s a subtle cue in our culture. The appropriate response is “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean!” Any response in the negative can evoke a variety of anxieties – for both therapist and client. We worry we’re rude and embarrassing the client. We’ll be seen as unable to empathize with the client’s experience (as well as pointing this out with a lack of empathy).

The risk we run in not asking for clarification, of allowing the client to believe we understand them when we don’t, is to truly impede our desire to understand and to empathize. We end up further away or at cross-purposes. We lose an opportunity to help the client explore what they do mean and to put words to their experience. We lose out and so do they. We opt for a fantasy of perfect attunement because we don’t want the client (or ourselves) to feel bad or uncomfortable. If we do this, we miss out on the possibility for true connection, what our clients have been longing for. That doesn’t seem to be a fair exchange for anyone. You know what I mean?

guest blogger Lisa Frankfort LMFT is the co-author of How to Stop Backing Down and Start Talking Back.