Let’s explore the basic types of distortions* and how they can be modified. Because there are only a handful of distortions, you can learn them and their replacement thoughts so you can prevent yourself from falling into the common thinking traps. With practice you will learn to replace distortions quickly and without much effort, because this is what stressful situations often require.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Here you hold yourself up to a perfect, or near-perfect, standard. If you fail to “clear the bar” you conclude that you are worthless. There is no middle ground or partial credit for effort. For example, a bright and likeable student once told me that he was very troubled over a creative writing assignment. The prospect of getting anything less than an A had him feeling depressed and suicidal. Eventually, he discovered the distortion: “In my culture, if you don’t reach your goals, you don’t deserve to live,” he told me. I asked him, “Where is it written that someone who isn’t perfect is worthless?” He thought for a while and said, “That’s the first time someone has told me that I don’t have to be perfect in order to be worthwhile.” Others might question their worth should they fail to earn a certain salary, lose an argument, or make a mistake. If you must judge, try judging performance only, not the core self. You might think, “I batted about eight hundred on this task. That’s pretty good. Next time I’ll try to do things a bit differently.”

Labeling

Have you ever noticed that people often label themselves harshly? “I’m dumb.” “I’m such a loser.” “I’m boring.” “What an idiot! Why am I so stupid?” (Notice that this last utterance really isn’t a question as much as it is an expression of resentment. People who use such expressions are more likely to be depressed because they keep themselves feeling stuck and powerless.) You might ask if such unkind judgments really serve to motivate as well as encouragement does. On the other hand, you might think, “A loser never wins, so why try?” Here’s why a negative label is unreasonable. When you say “I am stupid (or dumb, or boring),” you are saying that you are stupid always and in every situation. This is clearly not true. Howard Gardner (1993) of Harvard, for example, notes that there are different ways to manifest intelligence. Some might show their intelligence through either mathematic or verbal skills. Others might demonstrate intelligence through personal (emotional intelligence) skills, interpersonal (people) skills, music, art (or other spatial skills), or body skills (such as athletics or dance). The antidote to negative labeling? Again, if you must judge, judge only the behavior (saying “I didn’t do too well today on this,” for example). The core is too complex to be described by a simple label.

Assuming

“Yes,” you might think, “but I know that that waiter dislikes me. Look at the way he treated me.” This could be the distortion known as mind reading. That waiter may or may not dislike you. He might simply be angry about something that happened to him twenty minutes or twenty years before. He might be quite annoyed at something you did, but he may not dislike you. So his dislike of you is just one possibility. You won’t know if he actually does feel that way unless you check it out. In another example, let’s say you’ve been invited to your neighborhood block party. You might assume that if you go to the block party everyone will in fact dislike you and you’ll have a miserable time. This could be the distortion known as fortune-telling or predicting the future. In fact, some might like you, some might dislike you, and some might hardly notice you. You could go to the party with an open or beginner’s mind and just observe what happens. Sometimes good things happen, too.

Making Unfavorable Comparisons

How satisfying it can be to exert ourselves, invest our talents, and attain goals related to hobbies, education, profession, recreation, meaningful causes, or relationships. The examples set by those we respect and admire can inspire us and suggest possibilities. Trouble arises, however, when we begin to compare ourselves to others. Now inspiration turns to judgment: “I’m not as smart as Wayne.” “Sandra is a better golfer than I am.” “John is much more popular than I am.” “I wish I could be as successful as Randi—she’s a bright manager and I’m just a salesman.” In each case we get the short end of the stick, and self-esteem suffers. The antidote to this distortion is to simply stop comparing and recognize that each person contributes in unique ways at his or her own unique pace. I’ll ask my students, “Who is more important, a surgeon or a general practitioner?” They might answer, “Well, a surgeon might resolve an acute crisis, but the general practitioner might prevent it from occurring.” “Who is more worthwhile, a surgeon or a physical therapist?” I ask. “Well, the surgeon can save a life, but the therapist might help to restore physical function and hope,” they respond. When we consider who is more important to the nation’s health, the doctor or the garbage collector, we soon realize that people contribute in very different ways. Why must we compare and judge? As we step back to see the bigger picture, we begin to see that each person has a different blend of strengths and weaknesses. Also, as we compare ourselves to shining examples of success, we can remember that each person, even an expert, struggles in certain areas.

Shoulds, Oughts, and Musts

“Should” statements are perfectionistic, rigid demands that we make of ourselves, perhaps hoping that such demands will help us to overcome the discomfort of being imperfect. Examples include the following: “I should not make mistakes,” “I should have known better,” “I ought to be better,” “I must not fail,” and “I must be a perfect boss [or spouse, or child].” There is a punitive, scolding quality to these demands. Although we’d hope that these demands would motivate us to do better, they usually just make us feel worse. For example, how do you feel when you tell yourself that you must perform perfectly, and then you don’t? In fact, research suggests that we tend to perform better when we strive to do a good job, not a perfect job, because we are not as uptight when we are just trying to do a good job. What would it mean if you didn’t perfectly achieve what you feel that you must or should? Would it mean that you are worthless, or just imperfect? Perhaps the only reasonable “should” tells us that we should be just as we are, given our imperfect background, experience, skill levels, and understanding. Some would say that a kinder and more effective way to motivate people is to replace the demands with “would,” “could,” “want,” “choose,” and “prefer” statements. So instead of saying “I should,” “I ought to,” or “I must,” we might think “I want to improve” “I choose to work hard,” “I would very much like to win the competition,” “I want to be a loving parent,” “It would be great to reach that goal,” or “I wonder how I could improve; what would it take?” Please be aware, though, that “should” statements can be very difficult to release. It often helps to realize that giving up the “should” does not mean giving up a cherished value, such as working hard or doing one’s best. It simply frees us to approach the goal in a more enjoyable, less judgmental, and, we hope, more effective way.

Catastrophizing

When we catastrophize, we take something that is uncomfortable (such as embarrassment or fear of failure) and determine that it is unbearable, devastating, intolerable, and terrible. We might think, for example, “I would never give a speech. I might stumble and people would laugh. That would be awful!” or “It would be horrible if I were rejected,” or “I can’t stand it when my boss criticizes me.” Such statements increase fear and arousal and undermine confidence. We might tense up and thus perform below our abilities. We might even begin to avoid challenging situations, thus depriving ourselves of opportunities to master our fears and enhance self-esteem. Catastrophizing often begins with a fearful possibility (such as “I might fail”), which leads to a negative conclusion (“I’ll probably fail; I’ll make people angry and disappointed”), and results in an expectation of the worst (“This will be awful. Nothing could be worse”). In reality, when we stop catastrophizing, we become calmer and think more clearly. We learn that we can indeed bear adversity, although it is not necessarily convenient or comfortable. Catastrophizing is challenged by thinking “Okay, I don’t like this, but I can indeed bear it,” “It could be worse. Nobody is shooting at me. It will pass,” or “I really can get through this.” With these replacement thoughts, we learn to turn toward what we fear, rather than away from it, with calm and full acceptance. In so doing, we become more self-confident.

*Beck 1995; Ellis and Harper 1975

excerpt from 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem: How to End Self-Doubt, Gain Confidence, & Create a Positive Self-Image by Glenn R. Schiraldi