Develop Alternative Responses to Unhelpful Thoughts

If you already recognize the unhelpful thinking style that you use, find it below and learn how you can challenge it. However, if you haven’t already identified the style you frequently use, be patient. For the moment, just review the list and become familiar with the unhelpful thinking styles and their alternative responses.

1. Filtering versus Expanding Your Focus: When you use filtering, you look only at the negative details of a situation and you filter out all of the positive details. Instead, try expanding your focus. Ask yourself, “What am I missing?” or “What am I not looking at?” If you’re focusing only on what’s going wrong, ask yourself, “What’s going well?” or “What’s happening that I agree with?” Are you focusing on the problem instead of a possible solution? What might that solution be? For example, if you were thinking, “Everyone is out to get me,” as an alternative, look for evidence of people trying to help you or of your safety right now. Maybe there is some evidence that people are trying to help you and you’re choosing to ignore it.


2. Jumping to Conclusions versus Sticking to the Facts: When you jump to conclusions, you make negative assumptions despite having no supportive evidence or actually having evidence that contradicts your assumptions. Instead, try focusing on the facts of the situation. Ask yourself two questions: “What facts do I have that my conclusion is accurate?” and “What facts do I have that my conclusion is not accurate?” Then compare the facts, to see if your assumption is correct. For example, if you were thinking, “My landlord is going to kick me out of my apartment,” as an alternative, look at the facts. If you pay your rent on time and have a valid lease, your landlord probably can’t kick you out, even if he wanted to. Do your best to stay focused on the facts rather than get carried away by your imagination.


3. Overgeneralizing versus Being Specific: When you overgeneralize, you focus on the nega¬tive outcomes of one or more limited situations and use those outcomes to make broad, general rules or conclusions about many aspects of your life. Instead, be specific about what’s really happening. Ask yourself, “Is this situation really as bad as I think? Is it really going to negatively affect any other area of my life?” For example, if you were thinking, “My best friend didn’t call me tonight because I must have offended her in some way; now I’ll probably offend all of my family members too, and then everybody will hate me,” as an alternative, be specific about what happened. There are many possible reasons that could explain the situation and a single bad event doesn’t mean that your entire life is ruined. Also, do your best to avoid using broad, absolute terms like “every,” “all,” “always,” “everybody,” and so on. Instead, be specific. Even if you did offend one person that doesn’t mean that everybody will hate you.


4. Magnifying and Minimizing versus Thinking in Perspective: When you magnify and minimize, you enlarge the negative qualities of a situation and minimize the positive qualities. Instead, think about the situation from a new perspective. When you use words like “never,” “always,” “forever,” “complete,” and “absolute,” you cut yourself off from other possibilities. Similarly, when you use strong negative words to describe people or events, you’re only focusing on a single aspect and you lose sight of the whole picture. For example, if you were thinking, “My coworkers are complete imbeciles who never do anything right,” as an alternative, ask yourself if your opinion is 100 percent accurate. Maybe your coworkers occasionally make mistakes, but it also is probably true that they’re good people who do some things right some of the time.


5. Personalizing versus Balancing Responsibility: When you use personalizing, you take the blame for the bad things that happen, even when they’re not your fault. Instead, take a look at who is really responsible and do your best to balance the responsibility. Ask yourself, “Am I really 100 percent responsible for this? And if not, who should share the blame?” Maybe you are partly responsible for what’s happening around you, but maybe there are other people who are at least partly responsible too. For example, if you were thinking, “Those people sitting across from me are laughing. I must have done something to embarrass myself, and they’re probably laughing at me.” As an alternative, ask yourself if you’re really respon¬sible for their amusement. Maybe they’re laughing at someone else, maybe one of them just told a joke or something else that’s completely unrelated to you.


6. Black-and-White Thinking versus Seeing Shades of Gray: When you use black-and-white thinking, you see only two categories for people and situations; they are either all good or all bad, perfect or defective, a smashing success or an abject failure. Instead, look at the situation as a shade of gray, in between black and white. Most people are not 100 percent good or bad; we all have our faults. Similarly, most objects have at least small defects, and most events are some combination of success and failure. There are no absolutes in the world. For example, if you were thinking, “My friends are the worst and they’re always treating me meanly,” as an alternative, try to remember the times when your friends treated you well or, at least, treated you better than they do now. Again, look for evidence that balances or contradicts your judgments.


7. Catastrophizing versus Considering All Your Possibilities: When you catastrophize, you think that your future looks hopeless and full of disasters, without considering any other possible outcomes. You’re one hundred percent certain that the worst-case scenario will occur. Instead, consider the possibility that the worst disaster won’t happen. Ask yourself, “If the worst-case scenario doesn’t occur, what else might happen?” Be fair in your assessment. Be creative; consider even the most remote possibilities. For example, if you were thinking, “I can never do anything right by myself, and because of that I’ll probably die alone, helpless and homeless, in the streets,” as an alternative, consider what else might happen. You might get help from your family, or you may end up living in a nice home with a loving family. Chances are that something better is just as likely to happen as the catastrophe you’re worried about. So why not hope for the best?


8. Mind Reading versus Asking for Clarification: When you mind read, you assume that another person is thinking something negative about you, without considering any other possibilities. Mind reading is one of those things that we all do sometimes, which just makes us feel worse about ourselves. However, you can’t really know what other people are thinking unless they tell you. So if you want to know, go ahead and ask the person what he or she is thinking in a calm, polite way. For example, if you were thinking, “My boss doesn’t look happy today; I bet he’s thinking about the mistake I made last week on my time sheet,” as an alternative, ask your boss what’s wrong. You could say, “I noticed you look upset, may I ask what’s bothering you?” If the other person does have a problem related to you, asking for clarification will give you and that person an opportunity to work it out. However, don’t be surprised if the other person wasn’t thinking about you at all. Remember, your assumptions aren’t always true.


9. Rule Making versus Being Flexible: When you engage in rule making, you have a particular, fixed idea about how things should be, and you get upset or angry when your expectations aren’t met. Instead, be flexible in how you judge yourself and others. And remember, your rules and values aren’t shared by everyone, so don’t judge them if you wouldn’t want them to judge you. Instead, ask yourself, “How can I be flexible in this situation so that everyone can be somewhat happier or more satisfied? How can I make a fair compromise?” For example, if you were thinking, “I should work harder because I should never make any mistakes; if I do make a mistake it must mean I’m a failure,” as an alternative, ask yourself if that’s a fair and flexible statement. Everyone makes mistakes and the only thing that making a mistake really means is that you’re human, just like the rest of us.


10. Emotional Thinking versus Rational Thinking: When you use emotional thinking, you believe that your feelings are true judgments about who you are or the situation you’re in. Instead, use rational thinking and look at the evidence to determine whether your judgments are 100 percent true. Emotions can be wonderful, but they’re just temporary electrical and chemical signals within your body. They aren’t permanent and they aren’t always accurate descriptions of who we are or what kind of situation we’re in. For example, if you were thinking, “I feel lonely, which means I’m probably not a good person,” as an alternative, look at the evidence. Ask yourself, “What good things do I do sometimes? Is it possible that I’m feeling lonely and I’m a good person at the same time?” Most likely it is.


11. Labeling versus Remaining Nonjudgmental: When you label, you attach a negative label or judgment to yourself, others, or your experiences without looking at all the facts. Instead, do your best to remain nonjudgmental of yourself, others, and the situation. Whenever you use an insulting term to describe yourself, you cut yourself off from other possibilities; if you’re “dumb,” there are many things you can’t do. Similarly, when you label and judge others and situations you automatically place negative expectations on them. Instead, leave yourself open to all possibilities. For example, if you were thinking, “I’m an idiot,” as an alternative, create a nonjudgmental coping statement that helps you through your problem, such as “I don’t feel good, but I’ll do the best I can.” Similarly, if you were thinking, “My job sucks,” create a coping statement like “I’m not happy with my job right now, but I’ve gotten through rough times in the past.” Nonjudgmental statements like this make it pos¬sible for you to engage in new behaviors.

excerpt from The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Personality Disorders: A Step-by-Step Program by Jeffrey C. Wood Psy.D.