1. First, and most importantly, STOP.

When situations arise (and they inevitably will) that stimulate annoyance, irritation, and anger, the first step is to stop.

Don’t do or say anything. Don’t try to push the feeling away or ignore it. Just observe it. Notice its strength, how it pushes you toward action. But you do not have to act.

People describe feeling a “wave of anger” because the emotion tends to rise and fall. It crashes over you. It may knock you off your feet for a moment, but it will ebb and recede and you can get your bearings again. Watch how it grows and diminishes, building, cresting, and then receding. You are at a crossroad here. You have the choice of how to respond to your anger (pain) in a different way than you have in the past. This is the challenge; this is the moment of truth.

2. Watch what you say to yourself.

Your “self-talk” can help you keep calm, or feed the flames of angry rage.

Don’t say things that intensify the anger. Things like:

• “This is not fair.”
• “He always does this to me.”
• “I’m not going to take it anymore.”
• “Who do they think they are?”
• “If I told them once, I told them a thousand times.”

Don’t review the events that led up to the emotions, or the past failings of the offending person. This type of thinking results in losing control. Remember, the goal this day is not to eliminate anger, but to act calmly, no matter what.

Do say things that will help you get over the wave of anger (pain). Things like:

• “This is the challenge I have been preparing for. I can do something different this time.”
• “Remember, no raised voices, no threats.”
• “I don’t have to take this personally.”
• “That’s just how kids are (noisy, sloppy, forgetful).”
• “That’s how (my coworker, brother) always acts (pompous, conceited, lazy, controlling), but I have the ability to act differently.”

3. Act the opposite.

One of the best ways to change a painful emotion is to act the opposite of what you are feeling. During the next 24 hours you can test this out for yourself.

Did you ever watch a foreign language film without looking at the subtitles? You can tell when someone is angry without understanding a single word. The physical expression of anger is universal, and it functions to intensify and prolong the emotion. Glaring, balled up fists, attacking or threatening hand motions, raised voices, rigid muscles in the jaw, and rapid breathing, all result in increased anger and loss of control. Not to mention very negative reactions from others.

When you act calmly, even when you are feeling furious, you are more likely to avoid escalations. You also have much more control, and can make considered decisions away from the “heat of the moment.” The result? You get cooperation and support instead of resentment and counterattacks. This is how you do it.

Smile instead of frowning or glaring. Your smile may feel false, but do it anyway. Let your muscles relax, unclench your fists, loosen your jaw (you can do this by opening your mouth a bit), sit back in your chair, take a deep breath. Take two.

• Lower your voice. If you are dealing with someone who is speaking loudly, make your voice noticeably lower. That defuses the situation for everyone. Besides, when you talk quietly, the other person has to stop and listen.
• Talk slowly. The speed and cadence of your speech can have a big effect on the emotional temperature.
• Disengage rather than attack. You may literally want to get in someone’s face. You may want to shake him or her. But on this day, do the opposite. Disengage, move away from that person. Open up some space between the two of you.
• Resolve to deal with the situation later, when you are calm, when you will have had the time to figure out an effective response. The smart response: “I need some time to think about this.” “Let’s talk tomorrow, . . . after lunch, . . . at the next meeting, . . . after your parents are gone . . . etc.”
• Say something slightly empathetic instead of judgmental and attacking. You don’t have to mean it, and it may feel insincere, but just say it. See what kind of reaction you get. Notice how differently you may feel.

Try saying, “I hear that you worked hard getting the report in on time.” Even while you are thinking, “It took you twice as long as anyone expected, and it’s still full of typos and misspellings!” Try saying, “You always make such a lovely salad.” Even while you are thinking, “The rest of the meal is inedible, unrecognizable, and possibly toxic.”

excerpt from When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within by Matthew McKay Ph.D., Judith McKay, Peter D. Rogers