Too often, people believe that the best way to manage anger is to suppress it. I have worked with so many clients whose problems are directly linked to their need to distance from their ‘bad’ feelings. But is anger always bad? Research based on neuro-imaging suggests that anger is an emotional response that generates from the amygdala. Like other hard-wired emotions, anger is a response to stimuli that sets off a reaction in our minds and bodies. The most important question is not how to suppress it, but to understand how we process it. Working with beliefs about anger is helpful, but is only part of the solution. If childhood experiences with adult anger have programmed us to shut down, then it is almost impossible to access thoughts and beliefs in the presence of the emotional intensity and anxiety that anger produces.

A new approach to anger management is to focus on helping connect the dots. One line of dots runs from the left to the right hemisphere of the brain, creating a neural pathway between thoughts and feelings. Without that path, the triggers that have generated anger can not be comprehended, and the result is senseless rage or shutdown. Another set of dots that need to be connected runs between awareness of our physical selves and awareness of feelings. I have worked with so many people who, even in the middle of an explosive outburst, have no awareness that they are angry. Learning to measure the degree of anger that you feel at any given moment in time is a helpful exercise, for it is important to comprehend and accept that there is a full range of emotional experience that involve both mind and body.

That leads to the third set of dots – the ones that connect our past experiences with the present. People who have difficulty managing their emotions usually have frozen emotional memories that hold too much power over them. Typically they have shut down in order to survive an intense experience, and are not even aware that the emotional memory has been filed away. Taking the time to explore the emotional memory drawer is a good idea, but since it is likely to reveal stored emotions, it is best done in the presence of a support system or therapist. The opportunity to take a small memory and share the feelings and beliefs that accompany it actually helps strengthen the neural network that will allow us to process intense emotions in the moment. Finally, the last set of dots that need to be connected allow for learned lessons to be applied to the immediate situation. When we act impulsively on emotions such as anger, we are unable to access important experiences that constitute our personal wisdom. Without this, our judgment is severely impaired.

Anger is not bad; it is a signal that we have been provoked. In Stop Overreacting I explore some of the common triggers that can induce anger: criticism, envy, rejection and control. Knowing our triggers is helpful, but by itself, will not stop us from experiencing anger. It is better to accept anger as a signal that needs to be thoughtfully processed, and that can only happen when we connect the dots.

by guest blogger Judith P. Siegel Ph.D., LCSW is the author of Stop Overreacting: Effective Strategies for Calming Your Emotions.