by guest blogger Randi Kreger


Karen’s husband of 25 years, Cole, has borderline personality disorder. He’s incredibly jealous and verbally abusive, so she wants to separate. But she knows he’ll suffer without her—he’s already made veiled threats that if she leaves him he’ll kill himself.

Donald has a borderline client, Haley, who calls outside of office hours several days each week. He knows he needs to set some limits with her, but he keeps delaying the conversation because he knows how she’ll react.

Both Karen and Donald have something in common: they both feel stuck in their relationships: Unable to move because danger lies in every choice, yet still compelled to do something. They’ve made compromises they can’t live with in the long term, but don’t know how to go back and change things.

Why Do People Get Stuck?

People who care about someone with borderline personality disorder in their lives get stuck for several reasons:

• Unhealthy bonds forged by emotional abuse, the “Stockholm Syndrome.” Karen might be an example.
  
  
• Feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG). Donald is afraid of Haley’s response; he might also feel obliged to continue treating her and guilty that he’s not doing a better job.
  
  
• Low self-esteem or professional insecurity.
  
  
• The need to “rescue” (codependence) or be put on a pedestal.
  
  
• Roles, duty, and rigid belief systems. Children of borderline mothers, for example, feel that should love their mother and want to spend time with her.

Study after study has found that in different types of situations—at work, in relationships, nursing homes, when facing terminal illness, while playing sports—the urge to feel in control of your destiny is a universal motive. With it, you gain an inner sense of mastery and feelings of satisfaction. Without it, you may be at risk for hopelessness, stress, and depression.

How To Get Unstuck

Albert Einstein once said you can’t solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created the problem. So you need to take a different approach than you’ve been using in the past.

Become More Authentic

Becoming authentic is another way to get unstuck. The authentic self has nothing to do with your job, family role, or function in society. It’s your distinctive skills, beliefs, experiences, and opinions. Ask yourself:

• Are these beliefs verifiably true?
  
  
• Do these beliefs serve my best interest? Do they make me happy, healthy, and safe?
  
  
• Do these beliefs get me more of what I want and deserve, or less of it?

For example, Karen may have lost track of her own needs, wishes, and desires. By getting in touch with herself, her feelings, and what she wants out of life, she’s opened up some space to see all kinds of options.

Own Your Choices

Recognize that you decide how to respond to the people, actions, and events in your life. You have choices—not necessarily fun ones, but choices nonetheless—choices that could lead to better times. Banish phrases like, “He made me . . .” or “She forced me to . . .” from your vocabulary unless they refer to a legal document. Rather than say, “I have to,” say, “Right now, I choose to.” Then, open yourself up to new ideas.

Learn from the Past

If your current methods aren’t working or are making things worse, and you’ve given them a fair test, cease and desist—even if you’ve been using these techniques for a long time. We hate to acknowledge that something’s not working when we’ve invested a lot of time and energy into it. But the alternative—sticking with what you know doesn’t work—is worse.

Mental health professionals often get stuck because they need more education about treating borderline patients. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, clinicians set a number of limits before therapy starts, and patients must agree to these limits to be in the program.

Help Others without Rescuing

Provide assistance in ways that encourage—not discourage—responsibility and independence. We cling to the belief that if we hold someone up long enough, he will get strong. But strength develops as one stands on his own. Also, the wrong kind of help may be worse than no kind of help at all. Allow people to be who they really are instead of the person you want them to be.

Final Tips

• The key to getting unstuck is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have a right to be heard and to get your needs met, too. Without self-esteem, life is only one double bind after another.
  
  
• If fear is keeping you stuck, be specific about your fears so you can address them. Instead of saying, “I fear conflict,” zone in on what that really means to you. “I am afraid he will start an argument” is more specific.
  
  
• Take a close look at your beliefs and decide which ones are based on myths and which are based on reality. Ask questions such as, “What do I do out of a sense of obligation? What feelings rise up when I ask myself that question?

Starting today, it’s time to trust your inner voice. No one but you has the power to define you. As you start to become more confident and trust your own judgment, you will stop giving other people control of how you feel and what you do. Trusting yourself enables you to set limits that work because you finally, truly, believe you have a right to set them.



Randi Kreger is the author of Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook.  Kreger’s website, www.bpdcentral.com, is one of the largest and most popular sites about borderline personality disorder on the Internet.