1. The Art of Mutual Respect

    

   Mutual respect entails acknowledging differences between yourself and others without negative labeling. This is the gift of generosity. You accept the narcissist’s different point of view or preference without becoming critical, defending your position, or discarding your own opinions, even when he is clearly off on the wrong foot. You know that, while there is hardly a challenge when you see things eye to eye, differences can set the stage for a long, drawn-out drama. You are aware that understanding something does not necessarily mean agreeing with it. You are committed to understanding, compromise, and mutual respect for one another’s thoughts, beliefs, and desires. You expect the same in return.




2. The Art of Self-Disclosure

   Self-disclosure allows you to unburden yourself of withholding the truth. This is the gift of courage. Securely attached to your inner strength, you discard your habitual murmur and reveal your fuller, more vibrant experience to the narcissist—without the use of gratuitous insult. Even though it often seems counterintuitive to expose your vulnerability to him, like trying to hug a snarling dog, you have learned that his bark is a protective device; perhaps he’s more like a sheep in wolf’s clothing. You don’t divulge your feelings in order to make him feel like he is a terrible person, but instead to help him appreciate the impact of his behavior on you. When you feel yourself shrinking in your skin, no longer willing to toil in the salt mines of passive nods, acceptance of character assaults, and hopeless resignation, this gift liberates the possibility for real communication.




3. The Art of Discernment

   When dealing with schemas, which lie at the heart of narcissism and dealing with a narcissist, discernment involves distinguishing between the here and now versus the there and then. This is the gift of truth. When you offer discernment, you communicate with a clarity that is based in the present moment. You acknowledge history without succumbing to it. Like most of us, the narcissist in your life is prone to letting the automatic nature of memory guide his truth. Your emotional literacy and gifted communication distinguishes the reality of here and now from automatic beliefs and habits. You recognize the importance of paying attention.




4. The Art of Collaboration

   Collaboration invokes the power of “we.” This is the gift of shared effort. Using “we” suggests a collective. Though we are all capable of making mistakes, we also have something to offer one another in working together. In a “we” state of communication, your dialogue is carefully sculpted from the philosophic clay of shared responsibility. You are informed by the narcissist’s extreme sensitivity to feeling defective and ashamed, his fear of being controlled and taken advantage of, and his inability to ask for connection. You know that he can launch into a mode of entitlement, grandiosity, bullying, or avoidance when his sensitivity meter detects the triggering of those schema-loaded feelings. Being collaborative keeps finger-pointing impulses at bay, thus keeping the narcissist at ease.




5. The Art of Anticipating Clashes

   Anticipating clashes allows you to preempt the predictable pitfalls in your relationship. This is the gift of foresight. In part, this gift is provided by the biological makeup of the brain. You are endowed with the ability to draw upon memory to predict what lies ahead, moment to moment. We have a seemingly infinite number of remembered experiences that allow us to unwittingly preempt troublesome encounters without even thinking about it. Adding your newly buffed attentional skills to this already embedded gift, you have not only the sage wisdom of experience within your grasp, but a robust palette of Johnny-on-the-spot reflexes. In your interactions with the narcissist in your life, you can resculpt the very foundation on which your communications are based. It could be your magnum opus with the narcissist.




6. The Art of the Apology

   A genuine apology places emphasis on compassion for the wounded party, not redemption for the transgressor. This is the gift of responsibility. You are committed to responsibility for the impacts of your words, sentiments, and behaviors, especially when they are hurtful. You know that your behavior can serve as a model for how you’d like the narcissist in your life to treat you, meaning you expect reciprocity. You model an apology that is based in a compassionate understanding of how and why certain messages hurt him. You hope that in doing so, he will learn how to offer an apology that reflects an appreciation for your sensitivities as well. Your authentically remorseful feelings are free of self-loathing and a self-centered preoccupation with guilt. You are grounded in the experience of the other person.

excerpt from Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary