Emotional affairs are amazingly complex relationships that come in many varieties, which means that no single definition can hope to completely describe them all. Nevertheless, it’s possible to define emotional affairs based upon their most general characteristics. Here is our definition: an emotional affair is an intense, primarily emotional, nonsexual relationship that diminishes at least one person’s emotional connection with his or her committed partner. Now let’s pull this definition apart to look at its major components.


The Intensity of the Emotional Affair

One way emotional affairs differ from mere friendships is that the people involved in them become “positively charged.” By that, we mean that people like May and Brad are strongly attracted toward each other. They look forward with great anticipation to their meetings.  And when they do get together, whether face to face, by phone, or even by e-mail, they become engrossed with each other. Time flies so fast that sometimes they’re late for their other duties or appointments. Perhaps because they trust each other completely, May and Brad can be totally nondefensive when they talk with each other.  With no need to defend themselves, guard what they say, or look good, these two people feel unbound and newly energized. They get more than a little high just by being around each other.


The Primarily Emotional Nature of the Emotional Affair

Darren and Denise began their relationship talking about their children’s problems with ADHD. They weren’t just consulting about medications, doctors, and their kids’ futures though. They were sharing their fears, frustrations, despair, and hopes. Denise could tell Darren how terrible she felt when her son Adam was first diagnosed with ADHD. Darren, in turn, described how he had to walk away when he first found out about his child’s disorder to keep from breaking down in tears. Now though, he felt safe enough with Denise that he could, and did, cry.  

One thing led to another. After a while Denise felt she could trust Darren with all her emotions. She could laugh with him about her stupid dog jumping off a cliff and somehow landing in the one patch of sand that saved him. She could get good and mad about her coworkers’ ineptitude without worrying that Darren might defend them. Denise believed she could express any and all of her feelings to Darren without his ever pooh-poohing them as her husband tended to do.  

It’s this primacy of emotional connection that truly distinguishes emotional affairs from friendships or sexual affairs. Participants in emotional affairs have found someone with whom they can fully and completely express their emotions. That’s what attracts them in the first place and keeps them there for the duration. Emotional affairs are mainly outlets for emotional release.


The Nonsexual Nature of the Emotional Affair

Brad and May are very clear about the nonsexual aspect of emotional affairs. They don’t want their emotional relationship to turn into a sexual one. They may not be even remotely physically attracted to each other. However, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes one or both participants are indeed erotically interested in their emotional partner. But they tend to resist such urges because basically that’s not what they want from these relationships. Equally important, Brad senses that what makes his relationship with May unique and important— namely, its powerful emotionality—might get sacrificed upon the altar of sexuality if they turned in that direction.


How the Emotional Affair Diminishes Emotional Connection

Why does guilt keep nudging at George? The answer is that he has begun to realize that the energy he’s been putting into his special friendship is at least partly stolen from his primary relationship. That’s also why May’s family is so upset with her. They’re angry, because all too often, she acts more like a visitor in her home than a real family member. Like other affairs, emotional affairs can become great threats to the strayer’s primary relationship when the bulk of his or her time and energy is diverted away from the partner and family.  

In some ways, emotional energy is akin to the water used to irrigate farm crops. If a farmer chooses to mostly water one field, then there won’t be enough for another. And, if that farmer becomes so excited about watering a new field that he or she forgets all about irrigating the older field, the crops in that field will wither and die.

George feels guilty because he realizes he’s not truly working with Alice on their marriage. Instead, he complains about it to Betty. Yes, in doing so, he feels better for a while. But ultimately he’s hurting himself.

About now, you’re probably asking why people get involved in these affairs. For now, let’s just say that a person may choose an emotional affair as an alternative to working on his or her primary relationship, because

1. it feels better and is easier,
2. he or she currently feels somewhat hopeless about fixing problems in the primary relationship, or
3. he or she is looking to meet wants and needs perceived to be lacking in the primary relationship.

An Emotional Affair Is an Affair

We realize that calling something an “affair” is a judgment, implying that an emotional affair is a problem, a mistake, something to be stopped. We believe that emotional affairs are usually unwise relationships that do more damage than good. However, that’s not to say that we don’t recognize how alluring, important, and compelling they can be. It’s exactly because of their power that we advise people to avoid getting into them and to seriously think about getting out of one if they’re already there.



Adapted from The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW, Ph.D., and Patricia S. Potter-Efron, MS