by guest blogger Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP, co-author of Healing Together

If you are a mother, you know that there are times when you feel you have been through the war. If you are a military mother…you actually have!

Men and women don’t go to war – families go to war and as a result there are many military mothers. They include mothers who have to leave their children to serve; mothers of the men and women who serve; and military spouses who hold on to their children and the life at home while their partners serve.

A closer look at these military mothers offers a reflection of fear and courage, of sacrifice and maternal resilience, of trauma and triumph.

excerpt from Pregnancy & Postpartum Anxiety Workbook by Pamela S. Wiegartz Ph.D., ACT and Kevin L. Gyoerkoe Psy.D., ACT

No other time in your life will be quite so wonderful and chaotic all at once. Remember to cut yourself some slack and use the following tips to maximize your time:

excerpt from My Mother, My Mirror by Laura Arens Fuerstein, Ph. D.

In the West, neuroscientists and therapists write that one of the main things that separates our minds from those of animals is that we know we exist. As Mark Solms and Oliver Turnbull (2002) state in The Brain and the Inner World, our brain is the unique, enigmatic organ that gives us that sense: “The brain…is the seat of the mind, somehow producing our feeling of being ourselves in the world right now”.

And pediatrician and analyst Donald Winnicott (1986) writes in Playing and Reality that we must have that experience of “just being” before we can act, create, explore, relate, or do. Winnicott’s “false self”—rigid and inauthentic—will emerge if an infant has to adapt to her care¬giver’s needs. The false self covers over the true self—which is fluid and authentic—if that’s what’s needed in order for the child to keep her mother’s love.

Buddhist thoughts about the self contrast with Western ones, as described above. As Mark Epstein (1995) tells us in Thoughts Without a Thinker, Buddhist scholars write that it is only when we stop trying to find a true self that we experience life in a real way: “In the Buddhist view, a realized being has realized her own lack of a true self”.

excerpt from The Joy of Parenting

Take a moment to think about the relationships in your life that are most important to you – those in which you feel closest to someone else. What is it about those relationships that you most value? Take a few moments and jot down your thoughts about this in your parenting journal.

If you’re like many parents, one of the valued characteristics you listed may have been “feeling heard.” When we’re very lucky, we find ourselves in relationships in which people “get” us – they have a solid understanding of our wants, desires, and dreams. They communicate that understanding in how they behave around us – by calling our attention to things we care about or being thoughtful without being asked and without expecting anything in return. Because these things are important to you, you won’t be surprised that these same attributes are probably what your child most values and trusts about her relationship with you.

Taking time to nurture a relationship like this with your child is important. After all, you’re the “base” from which your child ventures out into the world. You ensure his safety and offer a lens through which he will views other important relationships throughout his life. You show your young child how to be in the world by the way you relate to and behave with him. And that is an enormous responsibility – as well as an exquisite gift.

Excerpt from The Balanced Mom

excerpt from Mindful Motherhood

First, I want you to know that being mindful is not yet another goal you must achieve to be a good mom. It’s not about becoming a perfect Zen mama who stays calm, cool, and collected in the face of anything that comes; uses only organic baby foods, clothing, and linens; stays on a career path while also being available to her family; and stays fit and trim all the while. The last thing I want to do with this book is put another giant task on your list of “things I must do to be a good mom.” Mindful motherhood is not about becoming someone other than who you already are.

Mindful motherhood, simply put, is being present, in your body, and con¬nected with your baby no matter what is happening. It’s being aware of your experi¬ence from moment to moment, as it is happening, without pushing it away, trying to make it stay, or judging it as bad or good. It is meeting each situation as it is, and over time, more and more often, approaching whatever is happening with curiosity and compassion.

Excerpt from My Mother, My Mirror

I recently looked at an afghan my mother helped me crochet in the later years of her life. Her hands were too arthritic to do more than a couple of model stitches at a time, but the pleasure she got out of teaching me seemed to outweigh whatever encumbrance in her joints she experienced. And I got pleasure from letting her teach me. She felt excited when I’d finished it (so did I, after ripping out a particular part one time too many) and was happy when family members could wrap themselves in it to keep warm. Though I’d chosen the afghan’s colors and design, and done most of the work, it was a cocreation in which yarn interwove as did my mother’s and my feelings.

Excerpt from My Mother, My Mirror

When I began to think about mother-daughter relationships, I recalled my seventh-grade lunch table. One of my schoolmates, June, would often say, after slowly unfolding the foil wrapped around her sandwich and peering inside with what seemed like dread, "Damn, my mother gave me shit on rye again." Each time, I would think, "How could she say that about her mother? She must not love her mother. I’d never say that about my mother."