excerpt from Visualize Confidence

As children we start out full of confidence in our abilities and strengths, with unlimited creative imaginations. Free from self-doubt, we are eager to try out new things and explore new worlds. It’s only as we grow older that we start to evaluate our behavior, second-guess ourselves, and judge ourselves against others. And, as a result of hard knocks and disappointments, our self-confidence takes a beating. Self-doubt comes first and foremost from our inner critic. Let’s consider how the inner critic sabotages our confidence.

excerpt from 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem

Let’s explore the basic types of distortions and how they can be modified. Because there are only a handful of distortions, you can learn them and their replacement thoughts so you can prevent yourself from falling into the common thinking traps. With practice you will learn to replace distortions quickly and without much effort, because this is what stressful situations often require.

• All-or-Nothing Thinking
• Labeling
• Assuming
• Making Unfavorable Comparisons
• Shoulds, Oughts, and Musts
• Catastrophizing

excerpt from 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem

How might we make the world a better place? There are many ways. When someone asked Mother Teresa how he might help her, she simply said, “Come and see.” We can simply observe what needs to be done, and do it as best we can. This might mean providing physical help (such as cleaning or giving a ride) or giving a smile, a listening ear, or encouragement. Simple expressions of help can be given to family, friends, coworkers, or strangers. Or, if we have the means, we might donate time or money to a worthwhile cause (such as a soup kitchen, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Habitat for Humanity, or a political campaign). Further, you can think of your job as a way to contribute. For example, one janitor might view his job as simply cleaning and getting rid of trash. Another might view it as creating an environment that helps educators teach and a generation of children to learn.

Another way to make the world better is to beautify or improve our environment for the sake of others. This could involve artistic expression (such as painting or poetry), inventing, sprucing up your home or workplace, or picking up litter on your walking path. Additionally, you can think about what it would be like to be in another person’s shoes and see how your behaviors affect that person. Plante (2004) reminds us that the hotel housekeeper cleans up others’ messes and might be ignored by the guests. Perhaps she would appreciate receiving a simple greeting from the guests she cleans for. A salesclerk might be tired after a long day of dealing with demanding customers. An empathic smile or a word of thanks for her service might go a long way.

excerpt from Love Tune-Ups:

Here are some other pursuits you and your partner might try:

• Take a class together on something you’re both interested in learning more about, for example: martial arts, photography, home improvement, Spanish, the modern novel, music appreciation, or meditation.
• Switch responsibilities for a month. For example, if you always pay the bills, let your partner hold the checkbook. If your partner always cooks, take over the apron for a month. You’ll get a nice break from your usual chores and a new appreciation for your partner’s practical contributions to your life.
• Try something new in bed: act out a fantasy, do some role playing, have sex in an unusual place, read erotica aloud to each other, leave each other amorous notes.
• Get a new cookbook and try some foods you’ve never eaten before.
• If you never have people over, plan a party. Have people over for dinner, or create your own monthly film festival. Cook an elaborate meal together, or plan a potluck.

No matter what you decide to do, trying something new is always a good way to infuse fresh energy into your relationship and your life.

excerpt from Healing Together

The Impact of Post-traumatic Symptoms on Sexual Intimacy

Each of the three primary trauma cluster symptoms of hyperarousal, reexperiencing, and numbing and constriction is likely to have an effect on sexual intimacy. The disruption caused by each may be somewhat different as will the strategy that may be most helpful in working through it. Each of these is discussed and described below.

by guest blogger Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, author of Stronger Day by Day

One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal?

My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on.

I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.

excerpt from Relationship Saboteurs

For some people, romantic fusion activates a totally different set of feelings. Those who fear it feel the same hunger for intimate connection that all people do, but the closer they get to it, the more they want to run away. Instead of the ecstasy that bonding offers, they feel terror, mistrust, anger, and debilitating fear.

Though there are many reasons why people fear intimacy, most often it is because they have experienced pain in their past intimate connections. Though betrayal can happen at any time of life, the most significant damage is done in childhood, when helplessness creates raw vulnerability.

Children who are abused, neglected, or emotionally erased have only known intimacy paired with pain or loss. They often grow into adults who cannot trust or sustain intimacy without expecting those negative feelings to resurface. These negative feelings may not show up in the relationship’s initial stages, when there’s enough emotional distance and a sense of control. But when their partner gets too close, they begin to feel suffocated, anticipating being captured and traumatized again. Driven by those fears, they push their partner away. Now separate and lonely, they may try to win back their partner and recapture the very intimacy from which they’ve fled.

People who are afraid of intimacy may eventually become commitment phobic, avoiding intimacy and long-term commitment. After multiple failures, they may talk about intimate relationships in these ways:

by guest blogger Randi Gunther, Ph.D., author of Relationship Saboteurs.

Many people begin relationships with hope and optimism, only to have each of them end without apparent reason. They painstakingly go over every detail, but can't seem to find the clues that explain why or how that happens.

"When I fall in love, I give everything I've got to make a relationship work. Even if my partner doesn't reciprocate perfectly right away, it doesn't matter. I keep thinking that if I do it right, I'll get what I want eventually. I know I sometimes get resentful when I'm doing most of the giving, but I still keep looking for ways to make my partner happy. And they sure seem to enjoy it when we first get together. I don't know why they leave when they're getting such a great deal."