Working with High-Conflict Couples—5 Tips for Therapists

by William A. Eddy, LCSW, JD, and Randi Kreger, coauthors of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, to be published by New Harbinger in July, 2011.

One or both of the partners in a high-conflict relationship often have cluster B personality disorder traits, if not the full-blown disorder. These couples present special problems and often catch therapists by surprise. Whether the couple ultimately stays together or splits up, the therapist must be careful to avoid several predictable therapeutic mistakes and legal risks. The following are five suggestions for managing this minefield:

1. Don’t work harder than your clients. Most therapists know this, but forget it when dealing with high-conflict couples. Watch out for your clients’ unrealistic expectations and your temptation to be a hero. High-conflict couples inevitably blame the therapist when things don’t go well. From the start, remind the partners (and yourself) of your limitations and their responsibilities.


2. Focus on practicing skills more than resolving conflicts. High-conflict couples present many irresolvable issues. Therapists can help them by encouraging them to keep practicing simple conflict management skills. Encourage them to listen to each other, take turns, practice acceptance, respond reasonably to hostile emails (or not answer them), make proposals, and not see each other as all good or all bad. This way, you are not solving their problems, but helping them solve their problems.


3. Avoid taking sides. Be careful to avoid splitting the couple into a good partner and a bad partner and responding to them this way. Join with both partners against the problem(s). From the start, tell them: “In the event that one of you drops out of therapy, I won’t see the other as an individual client. In the event you split up, I won’t help one against the other by writing letters to attorneys or the court. If I get a call from a mediator or evaluator, I will only talk if both of you sign releases.”


4. But don’t assume everything is equal. Treat the partners with equal respect, but recognize that each partner has different problems. While both contribute to communication problems and reinforce each other’s dysfunctional behavior, one may be an offender in terms of domestic violence, child abuse, etc. Educate the partners about all possibilities. Say, “Sometimes, there are problems going on in the background, such as abusive behaviors, and one of you may need special help with that. It’s much easier to manage these problems before they get a lot bigger. I have resources if you want them.”


5. Keep your expectations low. High-conflict couples often drop out of therapy abruptly. They often get divorced. Be prepared from the start for an unhappy ending and focus on small skills, goals, and successes. Treat each session as if it were the last so you have no unfinished business if they stop. This way you won’t burn out and they won’t feel pressured to be higher functioning.

Upcoming conferences for mental health professionals

New Harbinger will be attending the following professional conferences in 2011- we'd love to see you!

August 4-7, American Psychological Association (APA)- Washington, DC

November 10-13, Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy (ABCT)- Toronto, Ontario, Canada