AN INTERVIEW with GEORGE KAPALKA, author of PARENTING YOUR OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILD

New Harbinger Publications: What exactly is “out-of-control” behavior in children? You also use the word “defiant” in your book. Does that describe the same behavior?

George M. Kapalka: Often, the difference between the two is a question of degree. Defiant children refuse may refuse to do as they are told and argue, but they usually don’t truly lose control. They “push the envelope” but back down when facing an out-and-out confrontation. Out-of-control children lose control over themselves when they are frustrated and angry, and the amount of acting out tends to be more significant. In addition to protesting and arguing, out-of-control children have more temper tantrums that, in some kids, become violent—throwing things, kicking and punching things, even hitting the parent.

NHP: Why do children misbehave this way?

GMK: The number one reason children lose control is that their self-control is limited to begin with. Consequently, when frustrated—that is, when faced with situations when things do not go their way or they are asked to do things they do not want to do, like clean up or interrupt an enjoyable activity—these children’s ability to remain in control of their emotions is very limited, and they overreact in a negative way and have tantrums. In other words, they have difficulties controlling the rush emotions they feel when angry and frustrated. I often call these children “reactive”: their reactions are intense and come quickly. Before the child is fully aware of what’s going on, he or she is already acting up. It is important that parents recognize that this is a loss of control, not a premeditated act.

NHP:  How does the program you put forward in your book differ from others?

GMK: Many books and parenting programs provide an extensive list of suggestions and parenting principles, none of which are extensively explained. The authors acknowledge that the readers will probably utilize only a small portion of those suggestions. The authors hope that even small changes will result in some improvements at home. My book, though, presents detailed guidance about how to implement a structured, cohesive parenting program that involves only nine steps, tailored to the needs of children that have significant problems with defiance, argumentativeness, temper tantrums and limited self-control. Each step was specifically developed based on its relevance to the types of problems that children with poor self-control present, and the steps address common trouble spots that parent of out-of-control children grapple with day by day. It’s a long list that can include problems with listening to parent commands, temper tantrums, problems with following daily routines, problems with homework, acting-out in out-of-home situations—in stores, for example, or during car rides—interrupting adults, and problems transitioning from one activity to another, such as turning off the television when it is time to come to dinner. I think the program is also different because it’s backed by about twenty years of clinical experience and more than ten years of empirical research that investigated the effectiveness of each step. No other parenting program has undergone such detailed investigation of the efficacy of each of its components.

NHP: Your book is for parents of children aged five to ten years. Is there anything parents can do to prevent this type of behavior, before their child gets to the age of five?

GMK: While the book is primarily written for parents of children aged five to ten, many of the techniques are applicable to younger and older children. The program is based on utilizing the principles of consistency, a calm-but-firm approach, and frequent use of both positive and negative consequences to help children learn that positive behaviors lead to positive outcomes and negative consequences result in outcomes that are not as pleasant. The earlier the parents can implement parenting techniques based on these principles, the more they will be able to prevent the development of out-of-control behaviors.

NHP: There are some parents who, when confronted with some of the defiant behavior described in the book, would be tempted to spank their children. What is your view on spanking?

GMK: While controlled, limited spanking does not constitute child abuse—and some parents continue to utilize this intervention—“parenting by fear of pain,” which, in effect, is the principle that underlies spanking, provides short-lived success at best. What will the parent do when the child becomes too old and to big to be threatened by physical intimidation? And, spanking produces resentment in the child, thus gradually but seriously deteriorating the strength of the relationship between the parent and the child. This is very serious: Poor relationships between parents and children are the leading cause of significant teenage problems like truancy, criminal behaviors, and drug abuse. Weighing the pros and the cons, I feel that spanking simply isn’t worth it. Instead, the program in this book provides methods of administering positive and negative consequences that can start as early as age two and be utilized, with minor modifications, all the way through adolescence.

NHP: What will parents learn from reading Parenting Your Out-of-Control Child?

GMK: Reading this book, parents will learn the reasons why children lose control and what can be done to teach them better self-control. When handled appropriately, each problem situation becomes an opportunity to teach the child about right or wrong choices, and what are the consequences of each choice. This book will help parents implement an effective program to teach those lessons, one step at a time. With time, perseverance, and consistency, children learn from those lessons and begin to improve their abilities to express anger and frustration through more appropriate means. Along the way, parents learn to become calmer as they intervene, and the intensity of conflicts at home significantly diminishes.

NHP:  Let’s discuss tantrums, since they’re something most parents deal with at some point or another. First, what causes them?

GMK: Children may throw tantrums for a variety of reasons, but the most common ones are a result of being confronted with situations that do not come out to their liking or experiencing a rush of emotions that they can not control. Once the tantrum begins, the emotions take over, and the children are too upset to think clearly. Consequently, reasoning with a child who is throwing a tantrum is usually ineffective, and parents must help the child terminate the tantrum.

NHP: Say you’re with your child at the library or the grocery store, and he or she throws a tantrum. Could you walk us through how you should react?

GMK: As the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. This book shows parents how to stack the deck in their favor and improve the chances that a trip to the store or a library will not result in a tantrum. If a tantrum has already started, it is best to remove the child from the situation. The parent must recognize that the child is passing the point of no return, and stopping the tantrum while remaining in the setting may be difficult, if not impossible. Instead, it is best to remove the child to a neutral, quiet setting—a bathroom, maybe even the family car in the parking lot if not other place appears suitable—and allow the child to calm down without yelling or screaming. Children who become physically aggressive may need to be restrained while they calm down, and the book points out appropriate methods to do so. Once the child becomes calmer, there is greater likelihood that the parent can return to the original setting to complete the purpose of the trip. Of course, this procedure works best when it’s integrated into a cohesive, structured parenting program like the one described in this book, so the child experiences the positive consequences of not throwing tantrums while in a store and the negative consequences of doing so.

NHP: In chapter 7 you discuss homework-related problems with older children. Could you describe some homework related problems that parents of strong willed children may confront and how best to deal with them?

GMK: Many children, especially if they are strong-willed and impulsive, do not like to do homework. Instead, they prefer fun activities like playing with video games, watching television, or playing outside. At home work time, those children protest and argue or claim that they have no work assigned or that they already completed it in school. The parenting program contained in this book includes specific steps that parents can take to minimize these problems and motivate their children to be more diligent about homework completion. These involve arranging an appropriate homework setting, selecting a homework time that is likely to be most productive, monitoring the child’s progress—while avoiding the trap of doing the home work for the child—and establishing appropriate positive and negative consequences for successful homework completion.

NHP: There are some who might suggest that the behavior contract is a form of bribery. How would you respond to such criticism?

GMK: This topic comes up frequently when I lecture to parents and teachers. The dictionary definition of the word “bribe” describes an incentive given to someone in order to entice him or her to perform a behavior that is wrong. This is not what behavior contracts are about. Instead, behavior contracts help parents implement a program where children earn privileges and small rewards by performing their responsibilities. It is a humane way to teach children that most things in life are not free and that we usually get things we want only after we perform what is expected of us. This is a valuable lesson, and the earlier children learn it, the more prepared they are to become productive adults who do not expect something for nothing. Parents should also keep in mind that while the underlying philosophy is simple, there are many principles that, if followed, greatly improve the likelihood that the contract will be effective. This books spends two chapters describing the intricacies of behavioral contracting in order to help parents develop a contract that will be right for their child and will produce desired results.

NHP: While having a defiant child can be a challenge, you discuss at length how being strong-willed can benefit them as an adult. Can you explain this?

GMK: During childhood, strong will can be an inconvenience for parents, since children will assert their independence when they are asked to do things that are not fun, like chores, or require effort to complete, like home work. But possessing the ability to be assertive and stand up for one’s beliefs and principles is a significant asset in life. Strong-willed children can grow up to be high achievers who won’t take no for an answer and work hard to accomplish what they want despite discouragement. Strong will is only an asset, though, when it’s tempered with self-control and judgment, when the strong-willed individual learns when to resist and when to avoid unnecessary conflict. Impulsive and defiant children lack the self-control necessary to utilize this judgment. One of the major goals of this program is to help parents implement a set of techniques that collectively assist their strong-willed children develop the self-control they need.