Interview with the authors of But I Didn't Mean That

New Harbinger Publications: It seems like every day in the news a public figure—an actor, athlete, or politician—is apologizing for something he or she said that was misunderstood or that he or she regrets saying. What do you think is the most common cause of “foot-in-mouth disease?”

But I Didn’t Mean That Authors: The most common cause of “foot in the mouth disease” is that, until now, people did not have the tools at their fingertips to help them take into consideration the consequences of their words. Because public figures are in the limelight, they are often put on the spot and asked to respond to various issues. Without an easy-to-use approach to help them communicate thoughtfully, they will shoot from the lip, often hurting people’s feelings and jeopardizing their status with the public.

NHP: What do you think of the trend of public figures saying something unfortunate and then issuing a statement saying they were misunderstood? Or claiming that they were under the influence and then trotting off into rehab?

BIDMTA: There is no doubt that this trend is causing us to lose respect for our public figures. True, it is hard to never say something thoughtless, but those in the public eye have a greater responsibility to think before they speak.

NHP: What are the “Q-points” you discuss in your book But I Didn't Mean That

BIDMTA: The Q-points are a very simple strategy which we have developed to stop from blurting and hurting. All it takes is a few seconds to ask oneself at least one question, from the “who, what, where, how, why, and when” questions—or Q-points—of what we call “thoughtful communication.” These questions focus your mind to think about the impact of your words on other people before any words come out of your mouth.

NHP: In chapter 1 you discuss “ethical speech.” Could you explain what exactly that is?

BIDMTA: Ethical speech is a conscious decision to think beyond yourself and to be aware of the impact of your words on others. It is understanding that no words are neutral. It is trying to avoid conflicts by seeing the whole picture and giving the benefit of the doubt. It is about preparing yourself to focus on the other person and to speak with kindness.

NHP: It is true that you can’t “unsay” words once they’ve been said, but since everyone at some point says something they regret, should we be more forgiving of misspoken words? Should “I’m sorry” be sufficient most of the time?

BIDMTA: We can’t rely on apologies to make things all better. “I’m sorry” does not take away the pain of hurtful words. Long after the remarks have been made and the apologies accepted, the hurt lingers. There will always be a part of a person that remembers the hurtful remark and exactly who said it. If you do say something you regret, by all mean express your apologies to the person you’ve upset. But you’ll benefit much more from practicing thoughtful speech than from constantly saying you’re sorry.  

NHP: When trying to decide whether or not to say something, what three things should we consider and why?

BIDMTA: The main thing to think about before deciding whether or not to say anything is to think if any good will come from your words. If the only good that you can see is that, by venting, “you” will feel better, reconsider. Perhaps there is another way to feel better without the possibility of jeopardizing a relationship.

NHP: In chapter 3 you discuss what not to say—specifically, words that incite confrontation. Could you give us some examples of what those are?

BIDMTA: There are certain words that will always create tension and ill will: Calling people names that are put-downs, like saying, “You’re so stupid!” Also pointing the finger and saying, “What did you do?” or “What’s wrong with you” is bound to cause trouble. No good will come from personal attacks on the other person’s shortcomings by saying, “You will never amount to anything.” These are just some examples of words that must be avoided no matter what!

NHP: If in the heat of anger, or in an otherwise thoughtless moment, you spoke words that were clearly over the line, do you recommend apologizing as soon as you realize what you’ve done, or should you give the other person time to calm down?

BIDMTA: We recommend apologizing as soon as you feel regret so that your apologies will be sincere. It is very important to consider, however, whether the other person is ready to accept your apologies. Use the question, “When do I say it?” to think if it is the best time for both of you. Just keep in mind that the ultimate goal is repairing the relationship. If the other party is not ready don’t give up by saying, “I said I was sorry, now it’s his turn.” Try again at a later date.