AN interview with Wendy T. Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist.
 
How can someone recognize when they’re dealing with a narcissist? What are some common characteristics of a narcissistic person?

Narcissistic people often have the following qualities:

• Self-absorbed (acts like everything is all about him or her)
• Entitled (makes the rules; breaks the rules)
• Demeaning (puts you down, bullyish)
• Demanding (of whatever he or she wants)
• Distrustful (suspicious of your motives when you’re being nice to him or her)
• Perfectionistic (rigidly high standards—his or her way or no way)
• Snobbish (believes he or she is superior to you and others; gets bored easily)
• Approval-seeking (craves constant praise and recognition)
• Unempathetic (uninterested in understanding your inner experience, or unable to do so)
• Unremorseful (cannot offer a genuine apology)
• Compulsive (gets overly consumed with details and minutiae)
• Addictive (cannot let go of bad habits; uses them to self-soothe)
• Emotionally detached (steers clear of feelings)

 
Are narcissists aware of their behavior? 
 
No—they are often quite unaware of the negative impact of their behavior on other people. They learn early on how to detach from feelings of vulnerability—especially loneliness and shame, which are the hallmark emotions of their early childhood experiences. When these vulnerable feelings are triggered, the narcissist automatically switches into one of his self-defeating modes, for example, showing off, bullying, acting entitled, or getting caught up in an addictive, self-soothing activity. This is all so that he or she will not have to experience the seemingly intolerable feeling of vulnerability. Narcissists mow people down when their extraordinariness feels threatened, with little to no appreciation for how others feel when they act this way.
 
What are some causes of narcissism? Are men or women more prone to exhibit certain types of narcissistic behavior?
 
The causes can be viewed as the interplay between temperament and the child’s environment. Typical origins can range from being spoiled and indulged to the more classic cases of the child feeling conditionally loved, particularly when meeting performance-related expectations. We usually see dichotomies between a doting parent and a critical/demanding parent. While there are overlapping elements of narcissism in both genders, men tend to represent about 75 percent of this population. Women are more frequently differentiated by their emphasis on looks/vanity, domestic reverence, and martyr-like qualities.
 
What is “healthy adult narcissism”? Does this mean that it’s okay to be narcissistic sometimes?
 
Healthy narcissism refers to the balance between self-directed awareness and other-directed awareness. A stable and healthy adult possesses entitlement within reasonable limits, for example, he will advocate for himself when treated unfairly. He possesses confidence as opposed to boastfulness. Also on this spectrum, steeped in courage and a more profound passion for bringing meaning and change into the lives of others, we find “healthy adult narcissism.” This is a quality shared by people who may be criticized for their persistent and sometimes overbearing style, but are nevertheless deeply cherished for the gifts they bring to their platforms, e.g., Oprah, certain political figures, and others.
 
You discuss “Early Maladaptive Schemas” in Disarming the Narcissist. Can you discuss the general concept behind these schemas and how you use them to help your reader understand him or herself in comparison to the narcissist? 

The concept of early maladaptive schemas (in schema therapy) was developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young. Early maladaptive schemas are a combination of biologic temperament, painful early life experiences, negative beliefs, and profoundly powerful emotions bundled into one under specific conditions relevant to the schema. Understanding the environment that the individual grew up in is crucial to understanding schema origins and schema triggers.

Since parenting is such a tough job, and there are no perfect parents, the child’s needs for nurturing, autonomy, self-expression, and self-control do not get fully met—and schemas develop in one of those domains. Thus, we all have schemas. Gathering your wisdom about your own schemas via introspective investigation allows victims of narcissists to see the role their schemas play in keeping them stuck, intimidated, or imploded. For example, if you were born a sensitive child, and grew up in a home where you were made to feel that your opinions and ideas were of no value and that you were responsible for meeting everyone else’s needs, you may have developed a self-sacrifice and subjugation schema. Your view of the world and the emotions associated with that view may cause you to feel scared and reluctant to voice your feelings, needs, and rights, and may also lead you to feel guilty and overly responsible when others are upset with you.

The beauty in making sense out of all of this is that you commence the journey towards liberation from the old cobwebbed stories of yore, and can begin harnessing an inner advocate who encourages your self-expression and protects you from over-responsibility. This is of utmost importance when dealing with the controlling and often demeaning and dismissive behaviors of the narcissist towards others. You can begin to master the art of holding him accountable without lacerating his spirit. 

What is it about the narcissist that people find attractive? Is there a certain type of person who is more commonly found paired with a narcissist, say, in romantic relationships?
 
As in the above example—a person with self-sacrifice and/or subjugation issues may find narcissists appealing because of their immense confidence, powerfulness, charm, and intelligence. They are leaders, while those attracted to narcissists are more often followers and pleasers. Being in the company of a narcissist stimulates a kind of familiar chemistry of long ago. We are creatures of habit, after all. That is, until we wake up and realize that the rules of once upon a time do not have to apply to life in the now.

You talk about the fight-or-flight impulse, and introduce a third impulse, which is to freeze. Can you expand on this concept and talk about the alternative approaches you suggest for confronting a narcissist?

The concept of freeze means to surrender. You do not run from the threat, nor do you try and fight back. You simply surrender to it. For example, when the narcissist is in “critical mode,” you might just buy in and blame yourself for the big tizzy. You don’t run from it by making excuses, you don’t fight back by defending yourself or launching an attack on his character issues. You just give in. If you have a defectiveness schema—where you have carried the idea that you are unlovable and inadequate—and your coping style is to surrender when that button gets pushed, you buy into the narcissist’s meanness and feel that you have probably done something to deserve it. 

The adaptive version would be acting out of awareness, not reflex. The fight-flight-freeze modes are survival modes. They are reflexive, brisk responses to a threat. When schemas get triggered, we can feel our worth, connections, options, and rights becoming threatened. When acting from awareness, you set limits with the narcissist who is bullying you or criticizing you in a way that is hurtful, sometimes bordering on abusive, and propose alternative ways of communicating. Discussing consequences for him not enrolling in adaptive behaviors can be the very leverage you need for bolstering the possibility of change—especially in romantic relationships.