Interview with Lisa M. Schab, LCSW, author of The Divorce Workbook for Teens

Why do you think it’s important to have a book like this specifically for teenagers; how are they uniquely affected by the divorce of their parents? 

Most importantly, the teenage years are challenging enough without any other life disruption. Adolescence is a time of monumental change on all levels—cognitive, physical, and emotional. Teens’ brains are developing in new ways, changing their perceptions of the world; their bodies are experiencing hormonal surges that bring added height, weight, and sexual development as well as an onslaught of new feelings. Most teens are feeling an increased desire to discover themselves and their capabilities, their interests and their goals—to find out who they are independent of their parents. All of these changes can feel both exhilarating and frightening, and paint a clear picture of the proverbial “emotional rollercoaster.” 

Because of all of the inner change, teens need something secure for them to hang on to emotionally so they can manage the transition without becoming overwhelmed or derailed. In the best of all possible worlds, the family unit provides this secure base. When the family is stable, teens feel (unconsciously) safe enough to make their attempts at breaking away from it—knowing that when they stumble, fall, or need to come running back home, there will be someone who they trust (the emotional family unit) to catch them and hold them until they are ready to venture out again. When the family is split by divorce, teens often don’t feel the security that they need, and this can bring an increased sense of insecurity and even affect their ability to complete their developmental job of separating and individuating from the family.

Also, because of their physical growth, we adults often make the mistake of perceiving teens as older than they are. Since they look more and more like adults, we assume that their emotional maturity is up there as well. In reality, the average teen goes back and forth between childhood and adulthood in terms of maturity. One day they may feel confident and strong, ready to take on the world and become their own person. The next day they may feel apprehensive and intimidated, coming to their parents for nurturing. It’s actually normal for them to vacillate between saying, “Get off my back about eating breakfast—I’m old enough to take care of myself!” and “Mom? Could you please make me some of those good pancakes like you used to?” It’s easy for parents to forget that teens are still vulnerable and their experience of divorce—and life in general—can be very difficult. The workbook addresses this by helping them pay attention to their feelings and needs.

A divorce during teen years may also hit on the issues of sex/dating/marriage and relationships in general for the teen. As most of us well remember, adolescence is the time when we are heading into these areas, mentally, physically, and emotionally. We are trying out romantic relationships, exploring sexual feelings, and usually getting our hearts broken once or twice or at least tossed around a bit. We are developing ideas about our sexuality, and exploring our values and goals as far as marriage and family are concerned. A divorce can radically alter our perceptions and make us think twice about the kind of adult that we want to be or think we can be. The workbook gives teens a place to address these ideas and feelings as well.

What are some of the big changes a teen is confronting when his or her parents decide to divorce? How can your book help them cope with some of these concerns?

The biggest change, of course, is the break-up of their family as they have known it. A child’s family unit is their main source of security from the minute they are born. When parents split, kids have to learn how to handle that solid rock of security being split in two. They need to find something to replace that image with, other resources to help them feel safe. The workbook gives them activities that bring this situation to light and help them find strength from both within and outside of themselves.

Teens will also face changes in their living situation. Usually when parents divorce, there is a move involved. Either one parent moves out to their own place, or the whole family moves to two new locations. It’s usually easiest when teens can stay in their own homes and schools, but that doesn’t always happen. And in either case, they must get used to seeing their parents on custody “shifts”—not all together. Traditional holiday celebrations change; sometimes siblings are split between different parents’ homes; sometimes a parent will move out of state, or for some reason leave the teen’s life altogether. Along with the emotional challenge of all of this, there is the task of getting used to living in two homes, leaving friends on the weekends, having two places to sleep and often two different sets of rules in different households.

Teens are old enough to be aware of finances and often have fears about changes there, as well. Stay-at-home moms may have to go back to work, losing time formerly spent with the kids; teens may have to help out babysitting for younger siblings. Teens may worry about their parents’ finances, and may wonder whether or not there will be enough money for them to go to college, or maybe even just to keep their cell phone or the cable TV.

Even though teens are older, they still have little or no control over the effects of their parents’ divorce. The workbook is set up to help them understand their feelings about this experience and teaches them practical things to do to help themselves through. It also suggests how and when it’s important to find outside help—maybe from a relative, counselor, or other adult.

You focus a lot on confronting the changes caused by divorce with a positive attitude, but you also have an activity focusing on things that will never change. How does that help? 

There is so much change and uncertainty going on during the transition time of divorce— and most of us don’t like uncertainty. We prefer for things to be stable, and to feel in control of what’s happening in our lives. It can help a teen to feel less overwhelmed by the changes if they take a minute to focus on the things that will not change in their lives, for example, personal characteristics, likes and dislikes, relationships with friends or grandparents, talents and skills that the teen has, personal history, and, most importantly, the fact that their parents will still love their children. This can bring some reassurance of stability and a sense of continuity. All of these things and more usually do not change just because parents divorce.

The Divorce Workbook for Teens also includes some physical exercises. How can a teen’s outlook on his or her parent’s divorce be improved by physical activity such as t’ai chi or yoga?

The goal of peaceful, focused movement such as yoga or t’ai chi is to bring peace and health to the body, mind, and spirit. When done correctly, the movements help to focus the mind away from stress, and bring energy, strength, and flexibility to the body. Working with one of these practices can help a teen to manage the stress they are experiencing from the divorce, both physically and emotionally. It can help them to manage their emotions and feel more stable. Depending on the teen’s commitment to the practice, it may also help to open their mind to see past their pain or upset, and see the divorce from a bigger perspective, maybe helping them understand their parents’ situation and feelings better.

Other physical exercises can help as well. Participating in team sports or individual activities such as running or working out can help to relieve the tension and stress that the teen is feeling.  Physical exercise helps to release endorphins, the calming, happy chemicals in the brain, and also helps teens manage feelings of depression.

If a teen enjoys any of these physical activities, they can also help to build self-confidence and self-assurance, something teens need even more of at this time.

What will parents like about this book?

Hopefully, the workbook will help their teens to understand, work through, and manage their feelings about their parents’ divorce in an appropriate manner. When teens can understand and verbalize their feelings, they are less likely to act them out in destructive or unhealthy ways.

How does your workbook help a teenager to improve how he or she communicates with his or her parents before, during, and after the divorce?

If the teen works through the book, all of the exercises can cumulatively help them to understand themselves, their parents, and the divorce situation better, which can help them feel more calm and confident in talking with their parents during all phases of the divorce or at any other time.  There is one activity that addresses communication with parents specifically, teaching teens the benefits of problem-solving by sharing feelings rather than holding them in.  It also helps them explore their fears and apprehensions about doing this, whether these are fears around their own behaviors or about the responses that they anticipate coming from their parents.

You discuss the rights that a teenager has despite the changes his or her family is going through; what are some of those? What are some positive ways that teens can assert these rights?

Any adult going through a divorce is experiencing a great struggle of their own.  They are being challenged mentally and emotionally, and often financially and physically as well.  Parents can get so caught up in their own struggle that it is easy for the teen’s needs to fall by the wayside.  Sometimes one parent will begin working again, or both will be working more, or they are so overstressed from seeing lawyers, moving, or whatever, that a teen can become neglected—especially because they appear to be less needy than a small child. Or maybe the teen is acting out and the parents are avoiding him or her. When this happens, teens need to know that they still have a right to be parented—watched over, disciplined, and provided with food, shelter, clothing, education, and health care. 

Parents who are caught up in a “hard” divorce—one with a lot of arguing and conflict—may also, inadvertently, put their teen in the middle of their conflict. One parent may talk the other one down in front of or directly to the teen, blaming the other parent for their problems or for the divorce altogether. They may let out their anger by calling the other parent names or saying things like “Your father is crazy.” Sometimes, they may ask the teen to side with them against the other parent. Or they may put the teen in the middle just by making them a messenger: “Tell your mother that she’s not seeing another support check until she apologizes for that comment,” or “Tell your father I’m sick of him forgetting the custody schedule. He can just forget about seeing you next month.” The workbook helps teens understand that the divorce has to do with the parents, and it is their problem to work out. Teens have the right not to be put in the middle and the right to continue to love both of their parents, no matter what happens between them.

Another problem that can occur with teens rather than younger kids is that the teens get put into the role of adult. The father moves out and the now-single mom tells her son that now he is “the man of the family”—expecting him to take more responsibility than is appropriate. Or either parent, now alone, may begin to take a teen into their confidence, or begin treating them more as a confidant or friend rather than a son or daughter. This is not appropriate or helpful for the teen, and puts them in a position that can make it harder to get through the divorce.

The workbook helps teens to understand that they have the right to stand up for themselves in situations like these, and suggests ways that they can approach their parents in mature, appropriate ways to let them know how they feel and to express their needs. Sometimes this is through calm verbalization, sometimes through writing things out on paper, or it might involve bringing in a third party. Depending on the teen’s relationship with their parents, none of these may be easy to do, so the workbook also includes suggestions about getting help or support from other persons.