An interview with Kate Thompson, author of It's So Hard to Love You.

New Harbinger Publications: Could you describe what you mean by a hard to love—or “troublesome”—loved one?

Kate Thompson: A troublesome loved one (TLO) is any adult you love and care about who continues to get into serious trouble or make serious mistakes over and over. We don’t mean a pesky aunt or quarrelsome son. We mean a person who has very serious problems—someone you love who doesn’t communicate with you, listen to your suggestions, or use common sense in important matters. A TLO is someone who hurts himself or others over and over because of the people he associates with or the decisions he makes.

You want to be happy when he’s around, but you aren’t. You want to hope for good things in the future, but it’s hard to do that because the past and the present have been so difficult. You wish you had more money, energy, and peaceful times, but these are damaged and drained by your TLO.

NHP: How would you respond to the suggestion that it is unfair to classify those with developmental or learning disabilities as “troublesome” when, unlike aggressors, addicts, or plain difficult people, their problems are often outside their control?

KT: This is an excellent question, and our answer is that TLOs are not troublesome because they cause difficulties on purpose. They are troublesome because they make poor decisions, whether it is their “fault” or not.

Bill had a client who was developmentally delayed young man in his twenties. He was an honest person but caused tremendous problems for his parents because he constantly ignored their advice and argued with them. He frequently made terrible decisions and spent time with people who used him. Because of his disability, he could not be blamed for his poor judgment and the poor decisions he made, but his actions were still very troubling to his parents.

We’re not saying TLOs are “bad.” We’re saying they cause problems for the readers of this book, whether they can help it or not. We are not judging the TLO. We are supporting readers who are dealing with a TLO.

NHP: What is the first step you would suggest to someone who is dealing with a difficult friend or relative, say the stereotypical difficult in-law who is putting a strain on their marriage?

KT: Well, let’s assume the strain has been there for a while, and you have already tried talking to the people involved; being extra kind and patient; ignoring the problems; getting angry; avoiding the problematic person; and looking on the bright side. Now you feel resentful and hopeless because you feel like you’re stuck with this in-law if you want to stay married to your spouse, which you definitely do.

Given all that, your first step is to recognize that despite your very best, long-term efforts, the situation has not gone away, and it may actually have gotten worse. At the very least, it hasn’t improved. You need to look squarely at the fact that you have not been able to change or control anyone else in the situation. Facing this reality will help you accept the next reality, which is that the only person you can change and control is yourself. From that point on, you can begin to see what your real, meaningful choices are in the situation and can learn to do something about them.

NHP: What are some common mistakes that people with TLOs often make?

KT: The mistakes people make with TLOs can take an almost infinite variety of forms, but we will describe three of them here.

One common mistake is trying to change the troubling loved one or her situation. We call that being enmeshed, which means thinking too much about what your troubled loved one “needs” to do or what you must do for her. Being enmeshed includes making excuses, nagging, yelling, pleading, or giving too many gifts and too much money – all in an attempt to fix the situation.

The opposite of becoming enmeshed is becoming disconnected. A person who is disconnected pulls away completely. He “writes that person off” and refuses to talk to her, see her, or be civil. He seems to shut off his feelings and refuse to care.
 
Another common mistake is pinning your hopes on vague, magical solutions. This is called magical thinking. Many people rely on this “non-solution”, rather like the ostrich that buries its head in the sand. They just keep on going, vaguely hoping things will get better, often repeating their own actions and words over and over but expecting a different result.

Relying on these reactions to a TLO won’t work. People change when they are ready and able to change. That will not happen by magic, by fixing or ignoring the situation, or by repeating ineffective behaviors. It will happen when a person is ready for it to happen, and no one can force anyone else to be ready.

NHP: Holidays can be a difficult time for those with TLOs. Can you give them some tips for getting through the fall and winter holidays with their sanity?

KT: The holidays are difficult for many people, especially for those who love a problematic person. Most people with a TLO have experienced at least one—and probably several—disappointing, embarrassing, and frustrating holidays or special events. You can use those experiences to prepare yourself before the next big occasion comes along. Keep in mind as you read that no amount of wishful thinking or urging is going to change your TLO and that you are the only person you can change or control. Here are a few actions you can take to move yourself into the driver’s seat.

To get started, list some things your TLO does on special occasions that bother you the most. It might help to keep your list fairly short, even if you can think of many disasters that have happened in the past. We suggest you actually write this list out, rather than just think about it; this makes it easier to plan.

With some or all of the calamities on your list, notice what you have done to avoid the problem in the past and honestly appraise what worked and what didn’t. Then plan to repeat what did work and change what didn’t. Write these out, too.

For example, maybe last year you “forgot” to send Matthew an invitation, but he showed up anyway. You discovered later that $100 was missing from your purse, and pills were missing from the medicine chest. Or maybe you earnestly and firmly asked Sheila not to pick a fight with Uncle Tony, but she picked the biggest fight you’ve ever seen.

To plan for the next time, well before problems begin, choose one or two ways you will respond if they do. Tell Matthew about the party (if he’d find out anyway) and make it very clear that you will call the police if he comes over at all. Or if you decide to let him come, tell him what will happen if he makes any problems. In addition, do not leave valuables or drugs anywhere he might be able to get at them. With Sheila, you can decide the same thing, whether you tell her or not. Or you can enlist the help of other family members ahead of time who will help you escort her out if she does act up.

Carry out your plan to the best of your ability and evaluate how it went. Again, writing it out can help you now and during future holidays. Some changes you make will be harder than others, so it’s a good idea to get the support of people you trust.

From the examples above, if either Matthew or Sheila does cause problems, do call the police or escort her out the door. Press charges if you need to. Talk it out with somebody afterwards and decide how well things did or didn’t work. How did it go, and what can you do next time? And remember, practice makes better.

NHP: You two are brother and sister. What made you decide to write this book together? 

KT: The book was an idea Bill had worked on for quite a while. He came to a point where he needed and wanted Kate’s skills and insight to make it work, so he asked her to join him. We talked about how that might work and agreed it would be a great experience and a great opportunity to help other people. We’ve always had similar ideas about handling situations that come up in our own families and in the lives of others we know. We’ve come to greatly respected each other’s ways of seeing these situations and dealing with difficult personal relationships. Perhaps our similar outlooks on life are a result of the common experiences we shared growing up together. In any event, we have supported each other over the years when we’ve needed it, and it seemed like a natural fit to work together on a book about relationships.