The Author Shares Her Relaxation Tips for Women

Interview with Sue Patton Thoele, author of The Mindful Woman
 
What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is being aware of yourself, others, and your surroundings in the moment. It is being aware of what is happening in and around you at any given time. In other words, mindfulness means you truly inhabit your life rather than just dropping in every once in awhile.

In The MindfulWoman you say that the mind is built to accentuate the negative. How so?

Actually, I don't say that, brain researchers Drs. Rick Hanson and Rick Mendius do in their workshop, Awakening the Brain. Their research shows that Mother Nature has wired our brains to register negative, fearful, and unpleasant experiences more deeply and vividly than it does positive, neutral, or pleasant ones. Why? Because she wants grandchildren. Therefore, we—Mother Nature’s children—are programmed to survive above all else. The great news is that we can retrain our brains, and mindfulness is one of the best tools for doing so.

Why do we (women) tend to put self-love on the back burner? How can that tendency affect our mental and physical health?

Society has done an excellent job in training women to be caretakers and, consequently, to think of others before themselves. Occasionally, that's exactly the right thing to do, but not as an overriding habit. If we don't pay loving attention to our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits, we'll drain ourselves dry. Although we can run on fumes for a while, eventually something has to give. It may show up as illness, depression, anger, or any number of other energy-draining feelings and experiences. We function best from overflow, not overwhelm and exhaustion.

One of the activities in your book is to write a haiku. How does writing a haiku embody the practice of mindfulness?

First of all, haiku is simply fun! It's a good mindfulness practice because it requires attention, focus, and creativity. Haiku can distill confusing and convoluted feelings in three simple lines. Its simplicity is relaxing if you can just enjoy it rather than fall into a perfection/performance bind over doing it. For example, at the end of the chapter entitled Accepting What Is, I wrote this haiku:

                                                Swaying with the wind
                                                 A willow exemplifies
                                                Grace-filled acceptance.
           
Because I can be a little too wordy when I write, it was fun for me to try and get the gist of a chapter into three scant lines. I ended each of the chapters in Part II with a haiku.

Can you describe your personal journey toward mindfulness?

It's definitely a case of "reporting from the road!" I consider mindfulness a lifelong practice. Sometimes I'm better at it than others. Like almost everyone else I know who is trying to be mindfully present in the here and now, I experience countless detours and delays. Occasionally, I lose my way completely, but there is one surefire practice that helps me get back on track. It's simply to turn my attention to my breath. Simple, yes… but also profound. Breath is the bridge between body, mind, and spirit. It is a welcoming gateway to the here and now. Focusing on our breath centers us in the reality of the moment and invites our thoughts back to the present rather than skittering around in the past or future.

In one of your practices, you suggest that readers "give up grumbling." What methods do you provide to help someone learn to stop being a grouch? How will giving up grumbling restore an overall sense of calm?

Everyone grumbles and complains now and then. And, as a psychotherapist, I'm well aware that a certain amount of catharsis is necessary for our mental and physical well-being. However, chronic grumbling and complaining are often habits springing from resistance to what is and the feeling that things should be different. Sometimes what is is totally awful but, resistance to ourselves, others, or circumstances can act as emotional cement that keeps us stuck in the very place or feeling we're resisting.

Paradoxically, acceptance allows stuck energy to move and transform. I'm not talking about denial or avoidance. Just the opposite. Mindfulness practice encourages you to be aware of what is happening, what you're feeling, and what you're doing right now without wishing it were different. For instance, mindful acceptance says, "Ah, this really hurts!" whereas resistance might say, "This really hurts and it shouldn't.  I shouldn't have to feel this way. I hate feeling this way. They (or I) should make it go away." Or, "I must have done something wrong to be feeling this way." Grumbling and resistance send out a victim energy which pushes other people away and does nothing to help rectify what feels wrong. It's hard to be calm and peaceful while in victim mode because you feel so powerless. Although it might seem counterintuitive, acceptance is vastly more powerful than resistance, grumbling, and complaining. Resistance and grumbling are dead ends. Acceptance is an avenue toward positive change.

You make a point of demonstrating the difference between authenticity and perfection. Can you explain that for us? Why is the difference important?

Authenticity is achievable; perfection is not. "Authentic" is defined as genuine, trustworthy, and real, whereas the definition for "perfect" is downright scary. It is conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type (Stepford wife, for instance?) without flaws, defects, or shortcomings. By definition, no one I know is perfect, but many are authentic. We set ourselves up for failure and self-recrimination if we strive for perfection. However, I believe we are responding to a deep yearning from our souls when we value and pursue authenticity.

What lessons does The Mindful Woman offer the reader?

I think the subtitle is a good guide for the practices and attitudes that can be embraced. It reads: Gentle Practices for Restoring Calm, Finding Balance & Opening Your Heart. Opening your heart especially toward yourself! Recently, I heard the well known mindfulness teacher, Jack Kornfield, say, "Much of spirituality is simple self-acceptance." It is my heart's hope that this book helps readers be more loving and accepting of themselves and, as a result, better able to love, accept, and understand other people and circumstances. Interestingly, of the eleven books I've written, I personally learned—am learning—the most from The Mindful Woman and from the very first book I wrote entitled The Courage to Be Yourself.

Do you think you would ever write a book on mindfulness for men?

No, because the kind of writing I do is deeply rooted in my own and other womens' feelings and experiences.