An interview with Dusty Miller, author of Stop Running from Love.

Do You Fear Intimacy? Advice from the Author

Your introduction talks about various types of “distancers.” Can you talk about what a distancer is, and what it is about intimacy they fear?

I generally see three basic styles of distancing. There is the Disappearing Distancer, the person who avoids getting into intimate relationships, although he or she may date casually. This person tends to see closeness as a trap, and is often more conscious of fearing commitment or fearing that they will be hurt by the vulnerability that intimacy requires.

The next category is the Defended Distancer. This category is pretty crowded! The Defended Distancer does the intimacy tango, getting close to someone and then pulling away. He or she may keep a partner at arm’s length by turning everything into a joke, or being a control freak, or abruptly shutting down emotionally or sexually. The Defended Distancer may use drugs or alcohol or food or any other addiction to keep a wall between self and partner.

Finally, there’s the Distracted Distancer who uses work, family, friends, and a variety of activities to avoid really letting his or her partner in. The Distracted Distancer is the hardest to spot because the swirl of activity can be so easily justified. “I don’t have time for a couple’s night every week because of my job, the kids, the soccer team, etc.”

There seem to be a lot of different types of distancers. Do you think, to some degree we all have a certain amount of fear of close relationships?

To some extent, we all share some basic fear of vulnerability in relationship. What qualifies someone to identify as a distancer is the repeated failure to achieve the relational satisfaction that is evident in couples who enjoy genuine contentment in their life together. We distancers know, consciously or not, that we’re missing out on something. And, of course, there are some of us who have had partners point out that we’re not fully present in our couple! Even though we may not have previously known there was a name for us, we quickly recognize ourselves as distancers once we become aware of the various distancing styles and tactics.

What are some of the characteristics someone with a fear of intimacy might display in their relationships?

People who distance from intimate relationships do so in a variety of ways. Some distancers shut down emotionally, while others disguise their fear of intimacy through sarcasm, or keeping up a frenetic pace of activity so that there is little or no time for the couple. And there are distancers who come on strong emotionally and/or sexually, appearing to be very open and available, but then abruptly pull back, leaving their partner—or new love interest—hurt and bewildered.

At the root of these various distancing patterns is a deep-seated fear of being vulnerable. Being labeled “love-avoidant” or “commitment-phobic” is a short-hand way of describing men and women who fear that they will be consumed or abandoned in intimate relationships. Their distancing tactics cover up their insecurity in the domain of love.

Contrary to popular belief, both women and men can be distancers. Women are more likely to distance from sexual intimacy, and/or through becoming completely consumed by family and friends. Men are more likely to distance emotionally or through a preoccupation with work or leisure activities. 

Can you talk about the ARC model that you use? How does it work in approaching and coping with a fear of intimacy?

I use a three-step approach in working with distancing. This model, called ARC, moves from Awareness, to Remembering, to Community. The ARC model begins with helping the distancer to expand awareness of the various modes and tactics of distancing, then moves into a structured approach to remembering the roots of the distancing behavior. Finally, the distancer begins to try out new behaviors and perceptions by practicing these in community before engaging in more open, vulnerable couple relationships.

How can childhood experiences affect one's ability to maintain a stable romantic relationship? Can you talk about some of the specific roots of distancing that might be more common?

There are certain roots of distancing that most distancers will recognize. One common experience is childhood witnessing of unhappily married parents. Another is the experience of being violated or abused within the family; this creates a general fear of vulnerability and a belief that close relationships cannot be trusted. Survivors of childhood sexual trauma often have trouble staying in the present when the vulnerability of intimacy triggers old fears and discomfort. Childhood neglect—not being adequately nurtured or seen as a separate person—can also lead to distancing behavior in the adult. Being a parent’s caretaker or confidant or feeling completely engulfed by a needy parent also can create enormous mistrust of close adult relationships.

Do you think that a higher divorce rate means a growing generation of distancers?

Divorce is one manifestation of what may be increased distancing patterns in today’s world. Another trend is long-distance relationships, which could potentially indicate that there are increasing numbers of distancers who prefer geographical safety. And there are many young adults who put off marriage and commitment, perhaps in part because they fear commitment to a deeper relationship.

You talk about the importance of engaging in a community. How can one's relationships with a community affect and improve on his or her intimate relationships?

I’ve learned from my own experience that changing basic fear-based patterns within the couple relationship is like running a marathon before you’ve managed to run a half-mile loop. It’s like trying to break out of an addiction all by yourself. Fear of intimacy is as powerful as any addiction. It’s a set-up for failure if you try to change something so deep-seated by jumping right into the most threatening situation for you—the couple relationship. Using the ARC approach, the distancer learns to try out new ways of connecting with others in a less intense context. Choosing a community that fits the interests and needs of the individual, the distancer experiments with being less sarcastic, less guarded, or less controlling. In addition, the support offered in the community—family, workplace, faith communities, activist communities, tennis or baseball teams—adds to the relational self confidence of the distancer.