New Harbinger Publications: Please explain the title of your book—how is the simple act of trusting someone courageous?

Cynthia Wall: Trust is a choice you can make, and it is based on skills you can learn. We often pretend more trust in others than we truly feel. Real trust is based on the confidence that all involved are committed to being honest. It’s scary to be truly honest with others until you know you can count on yourself and know you will survive even if the relationship doesn’t.

When we make the choice to trust, we are letting go of the need to be in control in order to get what we want. It’s scary to let someone else direct even small scenes in our lives. We are unconsciously trying to control other people much of the time: how to drive, what to eat or drink (or not!), and wishing they would speak to us in different words or tone of voice.

The courage to trust others is built on a profound sense of confidence we first must create in ourselves. We do this by learning to respect our own feelings, intuition, and self-worth without demeaning those of others. Then, when disappointments and misunderstandings occur (and they always will), we know how to take care of ourselves even if the relationship doesn’t continue. The courage to trust means we are no longer willing to sacrifice our own truth in order to continue in any situation, including interactions at work, with partners, friends, and even family.

NHP: Please explain the concept of the three core selves, which you call the child, protector, and adult. How do they relate to trust issues?

CW: Everyone has three core selves: the child, the protector, and the adult. When you are feeling relaxed and trusting with someone, it is because your child feels safe, your protector is calmly surveying the scene, and your adult self is making all decisions. They have three distinct roles in each life, and each one is needed to create a rich and fulfilling life.

When alarmed by the possibility of rejection or betrayal, there is an acute sense of separation between the three.

The child is the part that is playful, always seeking belonging from others. Belonging meant survival during your early childhood. When tenderness or trust feels threatened, the child plunges into self-doubt and feels panicked.

The protector steps in whenever the child self feels scared. It seeks instant protection and comfort, bypassing the adult logical mind in order to prevent the child from further hurt. It might direct anger or rejection at others or often at you. The protector can also be the hero, enabling us to stand up to the bullies or walk away from a job or relationship that is suffocating.

The adult has the responsibility to make life work. When feeling confident and able to see the big picture, your adult is in charge. We need the child and protector to take the risks necessary to form new relationships, and be fully creative. The adult then copes with the embarrassment and makes needed amends.

As to being able to stay in the adult all the time, I’ve not yet figured out a way! The Courage to Trust has tools and exercises designed to help you get back to your adult self more quickly, helping to avoid old shame and chaos in your relationships.

NHP: Are you saying that all betrayals, whether big or small, have the same effect on the one betrayed?

CW: Feeling betrayed, no matter the size, is caused by the child’s sense of unreality and inadequacy. We next ask questions that have no immediate answer: Did she do this on purpose? Was it just a misunderstanding? Is the relationship over? Whether that means you lose all trust in the other person or yourself is based on where you tend to get stuck emotionally.

Anger, hurt, self-loathing, and a temporary loss of confidence are perfectly natural—even healthy—responses to feeling betrayed. When we accept all the feelings, they can move through us like a wave, allowing us to return to the adult’s perspective. However, if we get stuck in one or more of these states, we can become paralyzed by doubt and ambivalence, unable to pick up the pieces and embrace new opportunities. Some people hang onto anger and blame for years. Others get lost in regret and guilt.

You can change an unhealthy pattern by being honest with yourself about what you are experiencing, even when it feels childish—maybe especially then! Learn to acknowledge feelings and beliefs by writing or talking them out. Expressing them privately can change your response to betrayals of all sizes. Until then, a small event can trigger the feelings of much larger experiences.

NHP: In one of the chapters you talk about self-betrayal. Why and how do people betray themselves?

I doubt that many of us would deliberately betray ourselves. Yet what else can you call it when you break heartfelt promises that would lead to self-improvement and personal growth?

We betray ourselves from the inside out. We do this by allowing critical voices to rule our self-esteem and stop us from venturing into new experiences. We take an art class and spend it comparing ourselves to the “real artists.” We are afraid to join a fitness class because we believe that we will be the fattest person there.

Negative self-talk undermines positive change. It then leads us to tolerate others who put us down. It stops us from believing that we can become truly authentic and strong. It compels us to believe that we must live in a small world where self-comfort is the best we can do. Staying with those who abuse or belittle us, continuing to engage in self-destructive habits, taking responsibility for others’ well being before our own—these are other forms of self-betrayal.

Refusing to betray yourself results in holding tight to what you truly want for yourself, and seeking out others who believe in you and help you keep your promises to yourself. This increases your self-trust and confidence and helps you become worthier of other’s trust as well.

NHP: What do you hope people who read The Courage to Trustwill learn about themselves? What is the biggest lesson that the book teaches?

CW: That it is never too late to learn to trust themselves. No matter how many betrayals or disappointments they have suffered, or committed themselves, they can grow from this point forward. They can’t change the past, but they can understand the source of their pain. This will increase their capacity for trust and patience with themselves and others.

In my counseling practice, I have had the honor of sharing the power of compassionate honesty with people who have spent half their lifetimes in addiction or suffered many losses. At times I wonder if I would be able to survive the shame and powerlessness they endured.

Then I remember that our greatest teachers are never people who have had easy lives and made no mistakes! They bravely shared their pain and trusted those who listened without heaping more criticism, offering encouragement and love instead. By passing this gift along, they created a legacy of hope that gives us the power to become who we really are: the authentic self that the worst of betrayals can’t reach.

I want people who read this book to embrace the power that comes from choosing to believe in their own goodness, to act from that belief as much as they can, and work every day to become more trustworthy. As we learn to keep our promises to ourselves and each other, we build mutual respect and love. Trust has no greater foundation than that.