Five Tips for Dealing with Difficult Loved Ones During the Holidays
by Bill Klatte, MSW, LCSW, and Kate Thompson, authors of It’s So Hard to Love You

We all know what a mixed bag of happiness, stress, excitement and disappointment the holidays can bring. If someone you care about is problematic during normal times, the chances are good that his or her problems get more intense during the holiday season. But take heart! Before you even begin to bake your special treats, light those candles, or decorate the living room, anticipate holiday mayhem with these five tips for dealing with a Troublesome Loved One (TLO). Mix these tips with a healthy dose of patience and determination, and you can have a happier, more peaceful holiday season than you have had in the past.

Ahead of time:
Have realistic expectations and hopes. Remember that your troublesome loved one will be at least as troublesome during the holiday season as he or she is throughout the year – and very possibly more so. After all, like most people during the holidays they will stay up too late too often, spend too much money, eat and drink excessively, and add too many outings and parties to their already busy lives. Everyone has limits, and it will be helpful to keep this in mind during the most hectic time of the year.

Talk with others who are also affected by your troublesome friend or relative. Encourage the most open and honest discussion as possible about your difficult friend or family member. Talk about the sorts of problems that usually arise. Talk about what you would all like the holiday to be like, and how you can achieve it.

Plan ahead. Decide ahead of time what you will do if your TLO gets up to his or her usual tricks – leave the gathering, ask him/her to leave, speak openly instead of cringing or whispering behind closed doors, etc. Have several options figured out ahead of time, so that if one doesn’t work you can try something else. And be sure to carry out your plan if necessary!

Consider new ways to celebrate the holiday season. Think about what can be done differently this year to help you avoid or cope with the same old problems. Can you skip the traditional family dinner, or leave early this year? What about a different location for the party? How about going to the big seasonal concert instead of staying late after dinner? Be willing to change traditions, or maybe create new ones!

In the moment:
Be flexible and tread lightly. Keep in mind that no matter how well – or not – you have been dealing with your problematic loved one, the holidays may not be the best time to drive home your point or stand rigidly on your principles. More normal days will return, and you may find it’s more effective to go easy on your TLO until after New Year.