Befriending Your Ex after Divorce
About the Book
If you are divorced, or are contemplating divorce, you’ve probably heard the diatribe: Divorce is messy. Divorce is a tragedy. Divorce will scar your children for life.
Befriending Your Ex challenges many of these destructive myths about divorce, and sets out to change the way we think about the process of divorce and its ultimate outcome. While divorce certainly can have negative effects upon children, when they occur, these effects are likely to result from a hostile and combative relationship between ex-spouses. This uplifting book reminds the reader that all divorces need not follow this unhappy script, and that ex-spouses can collaboratively co-parent and be a source of support, not only to their children, but to one another as well.
Author Judy Rabinor’s ability to write as both a divorcee and a psychologist gives her a unique perspective on the subject, and in the book she artfully and thoughtfully combines research, clinical practice, and the everyday reality faced by a divorced parent. As a guide for parents, this book is filled with practical exercises, suggestions and strategies for coping with anger, grief, and loss, as well as the myriad of day to day issues involved in co-parenting after divorce.
Story after story—including Judy’s own story—reminds the reader that once the emotional tsunami of divorce settles back down, exes can be connected and supportive to one another as they share a major joy: loving and raising children and grandchildren, enjoying the family they have created, and creating a new family unit to evolve in the wake of divorce.
Books by Judith Ruskay Rabinor
Books by Don-David Lusterman
“Whether you're angry or sad about the breakup, Befriending Your Ex after Divorce shows you how to manage your feelings and find healthy new ways to relate to your ex. A valuable guidebook that should be read by everyone who has an ex!”
-Constance R. Ahrons, PhD, author of The Good Divorce and We're Still Family
“This is an inspiring book that every divorced parent should have on their night table, and every therapist who works with divorcing families should have it in their office. Judith Ruskay Rabinor offers both a professional and personal model of co-parenting that nurtures emotional connection with oneself, as well as emotional communication with one's ex. Her work is based on a deep understanding of the importance of maintaining healthy attachment bonds, for the sake of both children and parents, alike.
-Diana Fosha, PhD, founder and director of the AEDP Institute
“I highly recommend this book to anyone who truly wants to get along with their ex-as well as to those who have no interest in being friends. Every page is full of well-researched information that can help even the most jilted of spouses relate to their ex in a way that holds the best interest of the children as a top priority and promotes healing for everyone involved. It should be mandatory reading for anyone whose marriage is ending.”
-Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, author of Contemplating Divorce and Stronger Day by Day
“One of the hardest things we are called upon to do in life is to open our hearts to someone who hurt or betrayed us. Yet therapists deal every day with the tragic consequences to divorced families when the exes keep feuding and stewing. Befriending Your Ex after Divorce helps former partners access the love and compassion they have for each other that is buried beneath the pain. The post-divorce life of families doesn't have to be barren and bitter. This book can help make it a period of learning and beauty.”
-Richard Schwartz, PhD, founder and director of Internal Family Systems and author of Introduction to Internal Family Systems Therapy and You Are the One You've Been Waiting For
“Judith Ruskay Rabinor is a clinical psychologist who has felt the pain of divorce herself and helped hundreds of clients through those trials. If you are facing a painful break-up or have experienced one, or if you simply want to help someone who has, this book is for you. Abraham Lincoln said, `Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?' Now, here is Rabinor's accumulated wisdom on this topic. She aims at not just helping you minimize pain, but enlisting an ally. You can draw on her wisdom in this book if you want to help make life more peaceful and productive for your children, yourself, and your ex.”
-Everett L. Worthington, Jr., author of Forgiving and Reconciling (InterVarsity Press)
“In my over 35 years as a practicing divorce attorney at Jenner & Block, I have seen too many divorcing couples act out grudges with their exes in destructive post-divorce conflicts. Much has already been written to minimize these outcomes by explaining the importance of having a good divorce for the sake of the children, and proposing strategies for co-parenting after divorce. Rabinor's book, however, goes deeper and offers a fresh perspective by focusing on the couple's personal relationship after divorce.. A groundbreaking perspective, certain to reframe our thinking on post-divorce life.”
-James. H. Feldman, Esq, family law partner and board chair of The Family Institute at Northwestern University
“Divorce ends a marriage; it doesn't end a family.. This book teaches separated spouses how to let go of the anger, grief, and resentment that prevents them from getting on with their lives.”
-Melinda Blau, author of fourteen books, including Families Apart: Ten Keys to Successful Co-Parenting and award-winning journalist
“This book is an invaluable resource for divorcing parents who want their children to grow up healthy and emotionally secure in a dual-household family. Rabinor's insight, experience, humor, and spunk make her one of my favorite experts to interview for my films.”
-Leta Lenik, documentary film producer whose films include Hungry to be Heard and Women Unchained
“Rabinor's book compels us to remember what we all know deep down inside: being good parents and role models to our children is the most important life purpose. While it may be human to carry the hurt and disappointment of a failed marriage, it is our job to protect our children from our experiences. Letting go will not only be good for our children, but for us and our exes as well. Read this book and spare yourself unnecessary time, grief, and legal fees. Take her advice and you will learn to manage your relationship with your former spouse in a healthy, productive manner.”
-Wendy Hoey Scheinberg, Esq
“Befriending Your Ex after Divorce is a wise, practical, and compassionate guide that will help make your transition easier, happier, and ultimately a pathway to renewal. It is a gateway into forgiveness-which is the key to all lasting change. This is a must-read for anyone going through a divorce with children.”
-Barbara Biziou, author of The Joy of Ritual and The Joy of Family Rituals
“Judith Ruskay Rabinor has written a guide to divorce that is sensitive while offering tough advice; seemingly overly optimistic yet realistic for those able to take the long view of divorce. I recommend this book especially to divorcing parents and the professionals who work with them.”
-Robert E. Emery, PhD, director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law, University of Virginia
“Before you hire an aggressive attorney, read this book. Save not only for your child's college education fund but for the emotional strength and sanity of your entire family!”
-Judge Irene Sullivan, ret., author of Raised by the Courts: One Judge's Insight into Juvenile Justice
“`Ex' and `friend' usually equate with `impossible' in the minds of most divorcing or divorced couples. Yet, after reading Rabinor's book, the impossible not only seems quite possible, but inevitable. Using compassionate, yet compelling tone, Rabinor provides a much-needed bridge for couples to get even the angriest of exes to understand the importance of an amicable co-parenting relationship and how to actually put the understanding into constructive action. Truly a must-read for anyone facing a separation/divorce or who has already gone through one. Rabinor shows us that it's never too late to heal from divorce!”
-Debra Mandel, PhD, author of Dump That Chump: From Doormat to Diva in Only Nine Steps