The Two Kinds of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

By Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Guided Journal, and Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Not all children of EI parents turn out the same. In fact, they tend to polarize into one of two types whose coping styles are so different that nearly everything about how each type of ACEIP moves through the world is as different as can be. I call the two types of ACEIPs internalizers and externalizers (Gibson, 2015). Depending on your clinical setting, you might see more of one type than the other. A person who seeks out psychotherapy tends to be an internalizer, while an externalizer is more likely to come to therapy unwillingly, such as through court referrals, rehabilitation programs, or under a relationship or work ultimatum. As you’ll see, internalizers are capable of being deeply healed by a therapeutic relationship that helps them to name and understand their struggles. Conversely, externalizers tend to expect others to change to make them feel better. While I’ll discuss the externalizer type here, so that you can recognize their style when you encounter them, treating the internalizer type of ACEIP is what this book is about.

Internalizer Characteristics

Internalizers are intrinsically motivated by their need to understand things and grow psychologically. So, therapy makes sense to them as an effective and interesting way to get stronger and gain self-mastery. They’re already accustomed to thinking about things and seeking insight to solve challenges. Because they instinctively try to understand feelings and motivations, they already speak therapy’s language.

Internalizers enjoy learning about relationships and self-improvement. They notice their emotional experiences, and they process them thoroughly. They look beneath the surface and wonder about underlying meanings. They tend to be idealistic, sensitive, and empathic, and often find themselves in the roles of confidant, caretaker, or peacemaker within their families growing up. Many of them have been parentified (Minuchin et al., 1967; Boszormenyi-Nagy, 1984), or conscripted as emotional support to an EI parent.

Internalizers usually think before they act and are willing to self-reflect on their possible part in any life problems they’re having. They can be honest with themselves about their shortcomings, and they feel like they cope better once they’ve gotten to the bottom of things.

Internalizers are much more likely to be aware of unpleasant internal states like shame, guilt, and self-doubt, because they can tolerate difficult feelings. They can contain and process internal conflict without the need to reduce uncertainty by jumping to conclusions. This gives them the ability to take the time needed to problem-solve all aspects of a situation. Their objectivity and psychological complexity suggest a more mature level of emotional development.

Internalizer ACEIPs probably start life with neurological capacities that facilitate insight and make it interesting to them. Perhaps they come into this world with more innate perceptiveness and sensitivity (Conradt et al., 2013), noticing everything and trying to understand and integrate their experiences into their view of the world. These traits may help explain why they seem more self-reliant and sensible than their less emotionally mature siblings.

However, in their idealism and desire to help others, internalizers can overlook what they need to thrive. They may worry about questions of loyalty and moral duty to the point where they neglect their own well-being and boundaries. Many internalizers have steered their life by feelings of guilt and obligation, resulting in trouble setting limits with needy or domineering people. They can also lack a sense of healthy entitlement and self-worth sufficient to protect their interests, and they are often overly self-sacrificing, especially when it comes to family. By caring too much about other people’s expectations, they can narrow their lives in ways that constrict their autonomy, growth, and individuation.

Externalizer Characteristics

Externalizer ACEIPs see the world in a more immediate, egocentric way than internalizers do. They’re generally oriented toward immediate gratification and blame others when things don’t go well in their lives, rather than considering their own role. In therapy, they want quick results; if steered toward self-analysis and slow-but-sure progress, they are likely to lose interest fast. Insight for its own sake doesn’t interest them. They may be wary of a therapist’s suggestions or demanding in the therapeutic relationship.

Emotional immaturity and externalizing are two sides of the same coin. EIPs are externalizers who oversimplify or deny complex realities, are intolerant of differences, hyperfocus on pet issues, and distort reality according to their preoccupations. They don’t self-reflect, and they reject accountability to avoid shame and low self-esteem. They can’t tolerate anxiety or discomfort for long, and quickly accuse others of causing their problems. They tend to quickly form rigid, black-and-white judgments in whatever way makes them feel best about themselves.

Externalizers think others should change, not them, and so are unlikely to seek psychotherapy unless it appears to be the lesser of two evils—for instance, placating an upset partner or complying with a court order. Because most are not internally motivated to change, they often expect the therapist to “fix” them—or, more likely, to fix their circumstances.

Externalizers ignore other people’s viewpoints. To them, their problems exist because they’ve been treated unfairly, and someone should step in to make it up to them. Even a therapist who goes along with this victimized stance will be discounted as soon as they suggest something the externalizer doesn’t like. Chronically dissatisfied, externalizers quickly forget the last thing you did for them. They have a low tolerance for stress and often act as though they believe others have a moral obligation to appease them.

If externalizers sound emotionally immature, it’s because they are. And using externalizing coping mechanisms ensures continuing emotional immaturity. Since externalizers don’t notice or weigh their effect on others, they don’t tend to wonder if they should change their own behavior. Yet the behaviors that flow from their immature coping style will keep getting them in trouble and alienating others.

PP. 5-7 Excerpt taken from Treating Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist with more than thirty years’ experience working in public service and private practice. Her books—including the New York Times bestseller, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents—have sold more than a million copies, and have been translated into thirty-seven languages. In the past, Gibson has served as an adjunct assistant professor, teaching doctoral clinical psychology students clinical theory and psychotherapy techniques. She specializes in therapy and coaching with adults to attain new levels of personal growth, emotional intimacy with others, and confidence in dealing with emotionally immature family members. Gibson lives and works in Virginia Beach, VA.