Much like for adults, a breakup can profoundly impact the primal part of a teen’s brain making them crave their ex. Their limbic system (particularly the amygdala and nucleus accumbens) will release dopamine, creating a powerful desire to reconnect with their ex to regain feelings of pleasure and emotional security.
Teens may share in therapy extraordinary efforts to get their ex back: sending nonstop texts, making grand gestures or lofty promises, posting dangerous content, stalking, changing their appearance, to name a few. These obsessive efforts, if futile, can further worsen emotional distress, isolation, distorted reality, and stunted personal growth.
Tips to help your teen clients recognize they are addicted to their ex:
1) Encourage awareness. Listen for the teen’s beliefs. “If I can just show him that I’ve changed,” and validate their vulnerability, “Sounds like you see this is as your only option.” Share hope: “What if I can help you to find other ways to feel better?”
2) Reflect on past resilience. Help the teen reflect on their strengths. “What happened when you wanted to improve your batting average? Did you ask for help?” Remembering how they got out of a tough spot before can ignite insights.
3) Rethink the breakup reasons. Explain how some people idealize their ex after a breakup: “She was the best girlfriend I’ll ever have.” Have them share their breakup story again, and this time focus on parts that they did not like or agree with.
Helping a teen recognize they are preoccupied with their ex can take some time. Accepting that their efforts are only strengthening their connection (dopamine) to their ex, therefore keeping them stuck on them, and factually not guaranteeing anything positive in return from the ex is key.
Lenora M. Ziegler, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Manalapan, NJ; where she specializes in working with teenagers, college students, and the adults who care for them. She is certified in anxiety treatment and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and it is her mission to help people improve their self-regulation, social media distress, and communication skills.