Are You Trauma-Bonded to A Narcissist? The Signs You Need to Know

by Shahida Arabi, MA, author of Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Have you ever felt unable to let go of a toxic person—a person who lacked empathy, exhibited entitlement, was cruel and repeatedly aggressive toward you? All over the world, millions of people feel inextricably bonded to roman­tic partners, family members, friends, bosses, colleagues, and community leaders who repeatedly harm them. Perhaps you feel this way as well. This is known as trauma bonding or betrayal bonding. These terms describe the dangerous phenomenon where a victim of abuse, mistreatment, or exploi­tation feels inexplicably attached to their abuser out of a need to survive and maintain the traumatic relationship.

In order for a trauma bond to form, there usually has to be the presence of intermittent kindness, a power imbalance, and the presence of danger and betrayal (Reid et al., 2013). The person who holds more power in the relationship tends to mix periods of kindness with cruelty, subjecting their victim to horrific betrayals that shatter their sense of self. The victim becomes conditioned to try to gain the approval of the perpetrator in order to survive the trauma of the relationship, forming an intense attachment known as the trauma bond.

Trauma bonds create unwarranted loyalty, dysfunctional attachments, and self-destructive behaviors as a survival mechanism. Behaviors that stem from the trauma bond might look like apologizing to the abuser when you’ve been the one harmed to try to “win back” their approval, refusing to press charges against someone who has committed a crime against you, continuing to work for a boss who first charms you and then exploits you, or remaining in contact with a family member who has mistreated you and continues to push boundaries.

Trauma Bonds with Partners Who Have Narcissistic Traits

In the realm of abusive romantic or even professional relationships, narcissistic and psychopathic individuals can create very powerful trauma bonds and attachments due to their disorienting manipulation tactics and intermittent devaluation and praise. They display a lack of empathy, an excessive sense of entitle­ment, malicious envy, and at times, a lack of remorse. While not everyone who has narcissistic traits may behave this way, these behaviors and traits can drive a number of betrayals and violations throughout the rela­tionship in many cases.

Trauma, and the effects of trauma, also play a powerful role in maintain­ing these tumultuous connections. As a researcher, I’ve had the privilege and honor of investigating and developing a better understanding of this phenomenon through working with survivor populations. In my 2023 large-scale research study of people in romantic relationships with narcis­sistic and psychopathic individuals—published in the journal, Personality and Individual Differences—I established the first empirical association between narcissistic partner traits and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms specifically related to the relationship (Arabi 2023).

It’s no surprise that individuals in romantic relationships with people who have narcissistic, and, to an extent, psychopathic traits would experi­ence PTSD symptoms, especially symptoms such as avoidance and intrusion symptoms. Narcissistic traits are associated with aggression accord­ing to other previous research, such as a meta-analysis of 437 independent studies (Kjærvik & Bushman 2021). In short, if you are in a rela­tionship with someone with narcissistic traits, there’s a high likelihood that you may develop PTSD—and that PTSD symptoms may be keeping you bonded to your partner.

As survivors struggle with intrusion symptoms—such as intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and nightmares related to the relationship, and maladaptive avoidance strategies to ward off both internal and external reminders of the trauma—they may feel even more “bonded” to their perpetrators. Not only are they attempting to battle the effects of the traumatic relationship and struggling in ways that make self-care difficult, but they are also subconsciously coping in ways that avoid facing the true nature of their partner, the relationship, and its most painful aspects.

These betrayals and their accompanying manipulation tactics can hook you into investing in a toxic person. Manipulation tactics can include love bombing (the exces­sive flattery, praise, and attention used to ensnare you at the onset of the relationship) followed by abrupt degradation. Your partner may also pur­posely try to make you jealous to gain power and control, which studies show narcissistic people tend to do (Tortoriello et al., 2017). Both love bombing and jealousy induction were found to predict PTSD in my study, albeit on a smaller scale (Arabi 2023). A narcissistic person may try to provoke jealousy and keep you ensnared in manufactured love triangles to keep you in a constant state of confu­sion and competition. These manipulation tactics paradoxically create even stronger bonds as you work harder to regain their attention and affection after you’ve been ensnared in their abuse cycle.

While society often poses the question “Why didn’t you just leave?” it’s clear that abuse has an impact on the ways you process and deal with betrayal. The betrayals that often break ties in “normal,” healthy relation­ships are the very ones that can bond you more closely with narcissistic and psychopathic individuals. Such betrayals represent a threat not only to the survival of the relationship, but also to your own psychological sur­vival because these relationships are set up early on to produce intense attachments and unhealthy enmeshment.

Through the disorienting nature of their manipulation tactics and shifting states of adoration and callousness, a narcissistic or psychopathic partner can convince you over time that your identity and very sense of self are dependent on them. They erode your self-esteem until you become hyper-fixated on their per­ception of you, and you become conditioned to engage in compulsive behaviors to try to fix that faulty perception and the relationship.

Are You in a Trauma Bond?

Here are some key signs you are in a trauma bond:

• The relationship started out with intense amounts of attention, affection, and praise. Now, it has shifted into hot-and-cold behav­ior that devalues and minimizes you. Your partner demeans the positive qual­ities they once praised, deliberately triggers your worst insecurities, and manufactures new insecurities that never existed prior to the relationship.

• You’re rarely sure which “version” of this person you’re going to get, and find yourself walking on eggshells trying to prevent their anger, and managing their moods to try to “predict” their actions.

• You feel addicted to the relationship, even when it feels dangerous. You may know this person is toxic for you, but a part of you feels inextricably attached to the person they presented themselves to be in the beginning of the relationship.

• Incidents of abuse, mistreatment, or betrayal in this relationship tend to be followed by periods of love bombing, displays of remorse, or hollow apologies, only for the cycle to begin again.

• You’ve developed an intense preoccupation with this person and find yourself constantly thinking about them, reminiscing about them in loving ways to cope with the trauma, or feeling intense anger toward them. You may vacillate between these two states and find it difficult to under­stand or pinpoint who this person really is or how you authenti­cally feel toward them.

• You find yourself minimizing and rationalizing incidents of cruelty, emotional or physical abuse, and betrayals—especially ones you found unacceptable before.

• You engage in compulsive behaviors to connect to, communicate with, or check up on this person, even when it seems irrational or harmful to do so.

• You may have tried several times to leave the relationship, but your partner has convinced you to come back, or you have found it difficult to detach entirely. You may have left the relationship multiple times, only to go back to the abuser when they promised to change.

• You find yourself doing everything to please them and are loyal to a fault, even when they don’t reciprocate.

• You defend your abuser to people who express concern about your partner and the relationship. You may still do “favors” for your abuser or go out of your way to try to regain their approval.

If you are in a trauma bond, you are not alone, and help is out there. You may benefit from therapies such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) to help process your traumas with a professional who has an understanding of both trauma bonds as well as narcissistic traits. You can learn more about healing modalities in Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths.

Shahida Arabi, MA, is an expert and published researcher specializing in trauma. She is a graduate of Columbia University and Harvard University, and author of several best-selling books on narcissism, including Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, and Power. Her books have been translated into more than eighteen languages, and her work has been featured on Salon, Psychology Today, Bustle, and HuffPost.