Making Room for Uncertainty When You Have Postpartum Anxiety

By Jenny Yip, PsyD, ABPP, author of Hello Baby, Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts

Uncertainty will certainly bring discomfort. That’s exactly where your anxious monster thrives—in that uncomfortable space of not knowing for sure. Your need to know with conviction—that baby is safe and that you’re not a terrible mother—is how your anxious mind gets trapped in spiraling circles. As absurd as it is to believe in the absolute certainty of anything other than death and taxes, many mamas still try hard to seek this meaningless illusion that only triggers further worry and dread. To tolerate the discomfort of not always knowing everything means that we have to make room for uncertainty because that unquestionable reality is the essence of living where authentic bonding with baby occurs.

I know it’s easier said than done. We are creatures of comfort and one essential factor that provides comfort is knowing with absolute certainty that our children are healthy, safe, and happy. That’s why we drive our minds to insanity with worries and dreadful intrusive thoughts. However, since it’s not realistic to have assurance with absolute certainty that our loved ones will always be free from harm, we have to accept the uncertainties of their lives and adapt to being tolerant with the unknown. The truth is, unless you have a magical crystal ball or voodoo abilities to see into the future, you have to embrace the reality that not much is certain and most anything is possible.

Making room for uncertainty means actively recognizing that life is often ambiguous and unpredictable. As uncomfortable as it is to fathom all of the possible dangers that exist in life, uncertainty is a natural and inevitable reality. Intentionally acknowledging this is what will allow you to tolerate uncertainty without becoming overwhelmed or paralyzed when you feel the dark shadows of not knowing enveloping your mind. In all honesty, you already accept some degree of uncertainty every day. Whenever you leave your house, how do you know for sure that you’ll return? Yet, you leave anyway. Whenever you step away from baby, how do you know for certain that you’ll reconnect? Nonetheless, you do it anyway even with hesitation. Taking this blind leap despite not knowing what will happen next is the embodiment of living an authentic life—one that will nurture your bond with baby.

To expand your comfort zone by making room for uncertainty, incorporate these guidelines into your everyday living:

1. Whenever you find yourself spending excessive time ruminating, researching, or asking the same questions in a bazillion different ways to be absolutely sure, cultivate the momentum to sit with the anxiety and discomfort that come with uncertainty without attempting to control it. Watch out for unhealthy reactions to uncertainty, such as needless worrying, intentional avoidance, or mindlessly seeking reassurance that only creates space for further doubt.

2. Test out your beliefs that you must know with absolute certainty by challenging your prediction that not knowing is disastrous. The next time you feel the urge to seek reassurance when a doubt arises, identify the catastrophic consequence and resist the urge to determine the actual outcome. Use these experiments to replace the irrational need for certainty with more realistic tolerance for uncertainty.

3. Embrace uncertainty as an opportunity to become stronger mentally and emotionally. Not knowing provides the space for learning, discovery, and growth. Exploring new possibilities from the unexpected is what fuels excitement, fresh experiences, and meaning in life. Imagine how rudimentary and monotonous life would be if everything was the same and predictable day in and day out.

4. When you’re stuck in unhelpful ruminations to ascertain answers that have no specific outcomes, shift your focus to what is within your control. Fixating on what is beyond your control will only keep the vicious loop of uncertainty spiraling. By actively tolerating the unknown and accepting this reality, you’re expanding the comfort zone that will ultimately strengthen your bond with baby.

Making room for uncertainty allows you to adapt to an attitude that coexists with not knowing what the future holds and accepting the unpredictability of life. This process isn’t easy and will be really uncomfortable at first, just like any training we commit to. As painful as it may be to allow terrifying images and catastrophic consequences into our minds, that’s the only way to accept reality. Once you’re able to tolerate the actuality of uncertainty, then your anxious shadow won’t have the opportunity to play tricks and your mind will be freer to bond genuinely with baby. All of which will only enhance your and baby’s resilience in time.

PP. 44-47, Excerpt taken from Hello Baby, Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts

Jenny Yip, PsyD, ABPP, is a board-certified, licensed psychologist, author, speaker, media contributor, and a nationally recognized OCD, anxiety, and parenting expert. She has treated families with OCD, anxiety, and parenting stress for over two decades.