Millennial diverse employees standing holding financial paperwork, disputing over misunderstanding in office

How to Better Communicate with Someone Who Seems to Be Living in a Different Reality

Jessica Murakami-Brundage, PhD, coauthor of The Psychosis Workbook

Given how polarized our sources of information have become, perhaps it is not surprising that it has become difficult to agree on basic facts. It has gotten to the point where it can feel like we are living in separate realties! “Partisan bubbles,” “separate worlds,” “different planets.” There has been much written on the growing political divide between Republicans and Democrats, with much less attention paid toward how to bridge this gap. Whether it’s due to differences in political beliefs, life experiences, or worldviews, it can be frustrating to communicate with someone who seems to be coming from a very different place, especially when it’s someone we care about.

As a psychologist who works mainly with individuals experiencing psychosis, I have learned that it is extremely difficult to convince someone else to believe what you believe—if they don’t believe it! This is especially true if it would mean giving up a belief that is important and meaningful to the person. For example, if I try to convince someone that their “voices” are not, in fact, all-powerful, I run the risk of alienating the other person and strengthening their conviction that they must do what their voices tell them to do. This is because arguing does not work. As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I will often remind myself that my goal is not to change my client’s beliefs, but to work with them to better understand their beliefs (where they came from, how these beliefs have impacted their lives), and to perhaps consider other ways of thinking and acting in the world that will help them reach their goals. My goal is to explore with the other person, not to convince them to agree with me.*

Consistent with this approach, here are a few things to keep in mind the next time you find yourself talking to someone who seems to be coming from a very different place.

“Drop the rope.” Instead of engaging in a tug-of-war with the other person, trying to defeat them with logic or a list of facts, stop and let go of your need to be right. Stop the struggle. Take a few deep breaths. Notice if there is any part of you that seems to be preparing to battle, or feels like it is being held back from battle right now and struggling to break free. Give that part of you permission to relax in words that will resonate with you (e.g., “Chill out!” “It’s okay.” “Take a break.”).

Decide on a goal. Ask yourself, “What do I want to achieve here?” If your goal is to defeat the other person in a heated argument, then go ahead and pick up the rope! If, however, your goal is to better understand the other person and/or their beliefs, then your approach will need to be different. Perhaps, a reasonable goal may be to come to some agreement with the other person, if not in one conversation, then over several conversations. Commit to a reasonable goal to focus on.

Be curious. Even if you have heard these arguments before, try to consider them in a new light. Ask open-ended questions. What makes this argument so compelling for this person? Why do they believe it so strongly? What are the values that are being reflected? If you notice any judgments that come up, just acknowledge them and let them pass. This is a complex human being you are talking to with a life history you can only begin to imagine. What can you learn from this person?

Be humble. You may be wrong. Or, you may only be focusing on part of an issue which is much broader than you had imagined. If you find that a part of you is still holding onto the rope and the need to be right, let it go. Understanding another person’s perspective can help to broaden your perspective and help you to think more clearly and deeply about a topic or issue.

Find areas of agreement. Can you agree with any part of what the other person is saying? What truths are there in their perspective? See if there is anything that you can say that they might agree with. Often, problem-solving starts with agreeing on the problem to be solved. Is there a shared problem that you both think is important?

Agree to disagree. Sometimes, no matter what you say or what the other person says, you simply cannot come to a shared perspective, agree on a shared problem, or on a possible solution. That’s okay. You can always agree to disagree to maintain the relationship. Our beliefs are always changing as we gain new information and life experiences. Perhaps there will be a time in the future where your perspectives will be more aligned.

It’s true that we seem to be living in a polarizing time. It can be incredibly frustrating when it feels like we can’t agree on basic facts with another person, or a whole group of people. It can even feel like we disagree about the importance of facts, or what makes something factual. (If we can’t agree that facts matter, or that the truth matters, then we will likely have to “agree to disagree.”) By prioritizing understanding and effective communication, we can at least avoid fruitless arguments and maintain the relationships that are important to us.

*For more on this subject, I highly recommend reading Christine Padesky’s 1983 article, “Socratic Questioning: Changing Minds or Guiding Discovery?”).

Jessica Murakami-Brundage, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with over twenty years of experience working with individuals with serious mental illness (SMI). She is passionate about the recovery model, and has served on the American Psychological Association (APA) Task Force for Serious Mental Illness and Severe Emotional Disturbance (TFSMI/SED), as well as APA’s SMI Psychology Specialty Council.

Sign Up for Our Email List

New Harbinger is committed to protecting your privacy. It's easy to unsubscribe at any time.

Recent Posts

Quick Tips for Therapists