Leaning into Self-Love and Self-Care After Reproductive Loss

By Rachel Rabinor, LCSW, author of The Pregnancy and Baby Loss Guided Journal

Experiencing a pregnancy loss or losing your baby can cause you to feel powerless. It is often an all-consuming experience to process the physical loss while also navigating your internal emotional experience alongside the reactions of those around you. You may feel drained and unsure of the steps to move forward.

Self-love and self-care practices will help you begin to prioritize yourself and focus on offering yourself the best care possible as you heal from your loss. This part of the journal focuses on basic actions that are critical to reconnecting with and nourishing yourself as you move forward.

Prioritizing Yourself

When the world seems to be spinning out of control, prioritizing yourself is something tangible you can do while grieving. It may feel like you’re wearing a weighted vest or slogging through a pool of molasses right now, but with small intentional acts you will begin to notice a shift.

What thoughts or words come up when you think about putting yourself first?

Saying No

While supportive relationships are valuable, setting boundaries after a loss can be an important step in prioritizing yourself. It can also help you feel in control when it seems as if so many things are out of your control. If you’re someone who has struggled with setting boundaries in the past, it may feel difficult to set limits and say no.

Reflect on your experience setting boundaries prior to your pregnancy. In what areas have boundary setting been easy? Which have been more challenging? What thoughts and feelings come up when you think of setting boundaries now?

Understanding Boundaries

Some people hesitate to set boundaries for fear of rejection or of being unloved. They assume boundaries will threaten closeness and connection. This is paradoxical thinking, however. Dr. Brené Brown, a social work researcher, teaches that compromising your true self in an effort to find belonging and connection will leave you feeling lonelier with people than you would have been if you’d remained true to yourself.

If you have a habit of saying yes when you really want to say no, think about a looming commitment you’ve made to someone that you’d like to skip. Dig into what your true needs are.

1. If you say or have said yes, is it because of something you want from the person, such as approval or to fit in? Or are you doing it to please them?

2. Do you struggle to feel deserving of getting your needs met or of feeling worthy?

3. Ask yourself how you want to feel and what emotions you most want to have. Ask yourself how accepting this invitation or saying yes is going to make you feel.

4. Now, ask yourself how turning down the invitation or saying no is going to make you feel.

Setting New Boundaries

Make a commitment to limit your exposure to people or places that may be triggering. Unfollow friends or influencers related to pregnancy on social media. Practice saying no. No, you don’t need to go to a baby shower. No, you don’t need to go to dinner with friends when someone is pregnant or you just don’t feel like talking about your loss.

What boundaries can you give yourself permission to set?

PP. 29-36, Excerpt taken from The Pregnancy and Baby Loss Guided Journal

Rachel Rabinor, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker providing individual and group therapy in San Diego, CA, and virtually throughout the state. Rabinor specializes in reproductive mental health, trauma-based therapy, and perinatal mental health. She is a member of the Mental Health Professional Group (MHPG) of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), the Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Association (PLIDA), RESOLVE, EMDRIA, and the Postpartum Health Alliance. Rabinor is author of The Postpartum Depression Journal, and has coauthored two chapters on “Fertility Counseling with Groups” in the second edition of Fertility Counseling.