By Lenora M. Ziegler, LCSW, author of The Teen Break-Up Survival Guide
Ever feel like you and your teen daughter are like fire and ice? Each of you capable and intense, but in opposite ways. You, like fire, provide warmth, protection, and light, but when in charge can seem overbearing and all-consuming. Your daughter, like ice, can be cool, unpredictable, and can challenge your steady footing. When fire and ice meet up, they can clash not understanding the other, but when connecting, each can find balance through awareness and growth.
Parenting your teen with intense emotions can feel like a collision, especially when she is shutting down or reacting in big ways. Add in your own feelings of stress and anxiety and it’s no wonder you and her will clash. This is where co-regulation can help. By tuning in or noticing when your teen is in distress, you are taking the first step to better understand what she is feeling.
Co-regulation is the practice by which you parent with intention, turning toward your teen with empathy to help her regain control over her emotions. The emphasis is on calming your teen by offering emotional support, sitting with her in distress without judgment, and without trying to fix anything. Co-regulation involves guiding your teen back to emotional balance by providing a steady presence and using skills like validation or breathing exercises.
While things likely seemed easier when your daughter was younger, you and she have already been using co-regulation. During infancy, when she was wide awake crying overnight, you held her close to your chest as your breathing became in sync—calming you both. As a toddler, amid a meltdown over your outdoor plans being cancelled, you both got distracted, even excited, by your rainy-day box of crafts or special toys.
Co-regulation starts with self-regulation, which is when you calm yourself first, or as I call it, “being in the know.” By observing and describing your experiences, you can better manage your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in different situations. Take a deep breath, pause, and focus on what’s happening right now. By grounding yourself, you create a safe emotional space between you and your teen where she can calm down. Turning calmly toward your teen can strengthen your connection. Here are three tips to help you grow your co-regulation skills with your teen:
1. Know What You Need
Teens learn how to regulate their emotions by watching how you handle yours. If you tend to fly off the handle quickly, reacting with anger or exasperation, it teaches your teen to do the same. On the other hand, role-modeling calm, steady, and thoughtful responses gives her an adaptive base for managing emotions.
Naming your emotion to tame it, not shame it, can be a parenting win. Identifying emotions as you experience them—like sadness, hunger, anger, or frustration—can reduce their intensity. Having a quick list of things you can do on the spot (sip ice water, grab a protein bar, take a few deep cleansing breaths, use positive self-talk: “I got this”) can help you shift your emotional state.
Tip: Be curious “Am I calm enough to have this conversation right now?” If your answer is no, go to your quick list of grounding activities. If your daughter seems frustrated, tired, or upset, take notice of this too. Acknowledge that “It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. Let’s take a break and talk when we’re both calm.”
2. Know When You are Provoked
Your teen daughter may behave in certain ways that will regularly trigger your feelings of frustration, fear, or loss of control. These may include her being disrespectful, ignoring chores or commitments, spending excessive time on her phone or social media, disobeying curfew or acting rebellious in other ways, or engaging in risky behaviors like lying or sneaking out, to name a few.
Pausing before reacting when you are provoked can help. Taking a few moments to pause can prevent you from acting out of anger or disappointment, and can remind you that “when kids act out the most, that is when they need us the most.” You may need to practice building up this mental muscle. Try pausing before you react the next time someone cuts you off in the grocery store or when the package you are expecting is delayed once again.
If a situation escalates between you and your teen, be accountable for your role. It’s okay to apologize or admit when you’re in your feelings too. This shows self-compassion and can highlight your shared experiences.
Tip: If you react angrily or out of control, try deescalating: “Can I get a redo?” or “I got upset earlier, and I should have handled that better. I’m working on calming myself, too.”
3. Know How to Be a Listener—Not a Fixer
Even in your teen’s biggest, or loudest, emotional moments, she is likely looking to feel supported. Validation helps your teen feel heard and understood, which is the key to co-regulation. When she comes to you upset, resist the urge to speak over her or jump into Mama Bear or problem-solving mode. She is not interested in a quick fix; she wants to be seen. Show empathy and validate her feelings. This teaches that sometimes emotions can’t be fixed or changed. Help your teen understand that while they are not able to change certain situations, they can control how they respond to them.
Tip: Resist saying “Calm down” or “Stop overreacting.” Try instead, “I can see you’re really upset right now. This must be so hard,” or “Knowing you the way I do, it makes sense to me how upset you are.”
Co-regulation with your teen means nurturing the space between the two of you, by offering support and teaching her skills to effectively manage emotions. By being curious, modeling emotional resilience, and validating their experience, you can help your teen find her own steady footing and thrive emotionally.
Lenora M. Ziegler, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Manalapan, NJ; where she specializes in working with teenagers, college students, and the adults who care for them. She is certified in anxiety treatment and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and it is her mission to help people improve their self-regulation, social media distress, and communication skills.