Capital “R” Recovery: Healing Addiction from the Inside Out

By Michael Barnett, LPCC, author of The Emotionally Focused Therapy Workbook for Addiction

Have you ever experienced the tools you have learned from the rooms, treatment, therapy or other resources falling apart when the perfect storms of life rain down on you? Sadly, most of us have. It isn’t for lack of usefulness of these tools, nor is it because you somehow failed. So, how do we protect the precious treasure of recovery?

Tools are geared to do one thing: identify the symptom and alleviate it. In our case, tools and skills are aimed directly at not using addictive substances or engaging in addictive behaviors. How many of us have known people who have accumulated years of recovery under their belts, only to relapse horribly? We all do. Perhaps this resonates with your own experience. We even may know people who are not here anymore as a result.

What is up with this? It is quite confusing. Our tools and skills are essential. They provide necessary guardrails that keep us on the path. But if we want the most complete sense of recovery—what I call Capitol “R” Recovery—we must discover, uncover, and have the wherewithal to come face-to-face with those deeply hidden and compartmentalized parts of ourselves that we have been using addiction to self-medicate in the first place. If we don’t do so, it’s like building a beautiful house with a bomb in the basement. Under the “right circumstances,” the fuse gets lit. Skills and practices fall apart, strategies shatter, and it is not uncommon to then reach for the bottle, the bong, or the next fleeting romantic relationship.

Much like a row of dominos progressively falling down, a tsunami of shame, self-judgment, and often times, being judged by others is the predictable wave that follows. This is no laughing matter. Shame is ugly. Shame is powerful. It can consume us.

How do we prevent this? We prevent this with a willingness to do the deeper work. We must tackle addiction from the inside out, to inoculate us from relapse, defang shame, and create healing relationships that we no longer sabotage.

Your addiction serves a noble purpose. That may sound bizarre and far-fetched. Very generally speaking, addiction serves a simple and human purpose: to protect you from emotional pain and distress, when turning to loving others in your life was simply not an option.

Over time, this becomes a vicious cycle. By definition, the more we use, the more we isolate. The more we isolate, the less we build the muscle that helps us lean in and reach out to receive reassurance and support when we’re going through the tough times. Then we are more likely to use to cope with our pain in isolation.

Sadly, addiction becomes a very dangerous surrogate for love and support. Addiction thrives in disconnection and loves isolation. If we don’t have the support of loving others to help heal the deeper parts of us, we remain vulnerable to relapse. Although our emotional worlds may remain hidden, they maintain the power to control our lives. Our pain, unprocessed distress, and shame push us out of the driver’s seat of our own lives.

So, what can you do? You can start by asking yourself these four important questions:

1. What are the “benefits” of my using? In other words—What do I get from it? Not the negative consequences, but what are the gains?

This is a hugely important question. It may provide you with crucial data that clarifies what may be missing from your life. You may find yourself answering this question with sentiments like: “it calms me down, it numbs my pain, it uplifts my spirits and my mood, it helps me to connect better with other people,” and the list goes on. In other words, it helps me feel more human. If you are gaining these experiences exclusively from drugs, alcohol, and process addictions, then it is a sure sign that these incredibly meaningful qualities and experiences are absent from your life. This information will serve as the “true north” in your compass pointing you in the proper direction on your path to deeper healing.

2. How and where can I achieve these experiences without using?

Answering this question is a process. It takes time and thoughtful reflection. However, it is profound guide that squarely places you on your path to healing the heart of your addiction.

3. How do I get in my own way of procuring the things that have been absent for my life that I have been seeking through addiction?

This question is like peeling back the layers of an onion. It opens the door to personal information within your inner world that is necessary for your growth and healing.

4. What are the qualities of my interactions with important people in my life like? Do I sabotage the relationships in my life that could be both supportive and provide healthy options for support and well-being?

The information, or personal “data” you gain from these exercises lays the foundation for ongoing personal growth work designed to effectively heal the deep hurt residing inside you that addiction has been unsuccessfully attempting to address. This path requires earnest, and honest, introspection. Although it may not be for the faint of heart, it will provide you with a treasure trove of opportunity and satisfaction. Living with addiction in the driver’s seat does not have to be a lifelong curse. You actually have a choice and more power than you give yourself credit for.

Knowledge, this kind of knowledge, is genuine power to begin directing your life toward the things, people, and experiences you most desire. Capitol “R” Recovery is about healing addiction from the inside out. It is a path to becoming a whole self, recovering all of you, and thriving in your life without the need for addiction.

Michael Barnett, LPCC, is a certified trainer in emotionally focused therapy (EFT). He is codirector of the Emotionally Focused Therapy Center of Los Angeles, and founder of the Atlanta Community for Emotionally Focused Therapy.