What Gets in the Way of Productive Arguments in Relationships?

By Betsy Chung, PsyD, author of The Couple Skills Workbook

Do you know any couples that seem to fight all the time? What assumptions do you make about those relationships? I’m going to guess that characterizing them as “strong” is not one of them.

Many people assume that when two people argue often, it’s a sign that the relationship is in trouble. Though it’s often true that problematic relationships have high levels of conflict, arguments are also a natural part of every relationship journey, and the most successful and fulfilling relationships are usually the product of two individuals who are unafraid to speak up for themselves and duke it out.

What makes an argument productive is in how couples handle it. When approached with purpose, conflict resolution leads to deeper understanding of what’s important to you and your partner, a sense of safety that you can bring up difficult topics without hurting the relationship, and confidence in your partnership to deal with whatever challenges may arise.

But of course, knowing how to effectively navigate conflict is easier said than done because resolving disagreements with another person requires certain skills that may or may not be present depending on our upbringing. Here are the most common personal challenges that may affect a person’s ability to engage in productive arguments:

Struggles with Emotional Management

By now you should’ve already heard of the “fight or flight” system. It’s the part of our nervous system that causes us to react by “fighting” or “fleeing” situations that we perceive as threatening or stressful.

For children to feel safe, they need harmony in their home life. However, if they were raised around a lot of unresolved conflict and constant arguing, they may associate disagreements with disharmony, and continue to experience much discomfort around conflict as they grow into adulthood. A consequence to this is that they may learn to avoid conflict by not bringing up issues, intimidating the other person, shutting down arguments, or pushing fast resolution by giving in.

When we avoid conflict, we deprive one or both partners of the opportunity to share their points of view so that both can work together to find meaningful solutions.

Lack of Healthy Modeling

Children rely on their caregivers to teach them about the world, and what they see and experience in their early years has great impact on what they bring with them into their adult lives. If they were raised by caregivers who lacked proper tools to work through and resolve conflicts, children are also likely to be ill-equipped to handle interpersonal disagreements when they grow older.

Poor Communication

There are three main forms of communication: Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive. When it comes to healthy communication, assertiveness is the most effective because it’s clear, direct, and respectful. However, assertive communication is a learned skill that’s often overlooked as an important life skill. Because of this, people tend to gravitate toward extreme forms of communication where they either passively avoid speaking up, leaving their needs unmet; or become aggressive when they’re tired of not being seen, causing the receiver to guard themselves from attack rather than listen.

Poor Stress Management

Conflict resolution is most effective when issues are addressed one at a time, which means that issues should be raised as they come up. However, those who struggle to manage stress tend to become overwhelmed with responsibilities and allow problems to pile up, waiting to explode. When that happens, issues are presented like a list of complaints, making it difficult to focus on finding solutions for individual problems.

In order to achieve true relationship fulfillment, both partners need to feel as though their needs are heard and addressed. Though it’s never a pleasant experience to be at odds with people that we love, there are things we can do to improve our management of disagreements. Ultimately, the better we get at overcoming conflicts with our loved ones, the more resilient the relationship.

Betsy Chung, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in California. She was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA, to a culturally Chinese family. Currently, she is a relationship expert who splits her time between helping people strengthen their relationships in private practice, sharing her knowledge as a contributor to popular online media outlets, and serving as clinical director of Flow Wellness Hub—a holistic mental wellness practice in Huntington Beach, CA.