What Is a Healthy Relationship?

By Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells for Partners

Ted, married to a woman with BPD, writes, “I had no idea my wife’s and my relationship was not normal. When I would see other couples, I would wonder which one was like my wife, toxic and angry, and which one was like me, the target of blame.” Ted is not alone. Many caretakers don’t know their marriage is a toxic one. Or they only secretly suspect that their marriage is not normal. Most often, these caretakers had a chaotic or abusive childhood, or they had a parent who was a substance abuser or had a personality disorder.

The following are traits of a healthy relationship. As you read each trait, ask yourself how important it is to you and if it’s present in your relationship.

Conflicts get resolved. Even the best relationships have their share of conflict and angst. But in healthy relationships, conflict is handled with love and mutual respect.

Respect. Respect is about treating each other in the way you’d like to be treated even when you’re angry and frustrated. Couples need to compromise; that’s true of every relationship. But it should be done with mutual respect, not putting one person down, belittling their choices, or demanding that “the compromise” always benefits one person. Signs of respect including caring about the things that are important to your partner, speaking to them as you would want to be spoken to, and recognizing that differences are okay.

Support and empathy. In a healthy relationship, both partners are there for each other with warmth and affection through good times and bad. Even when their opinions differ, supportive spouses try to see things from their partner’s point of view. Without keeping track on paper and pencil, people in workable marriages attempt to be there equally for each other, and both partners give and take. Otherwise, partners can get burned-out or feel used.

Communication and sharing. Honest, direct, and respectful communication is a key aspect of any relationship. That includes someone’s ability to listen as well as talk. Many couples fight and yell at each other, but they take the other person’s feelings into account. The ability to share your thoughts, feelings, and desires in an open and honest way is essential to the level of intimacy and sense of connection the two of you share.

Mutual trust and honesty. Honesty leads to trust, which leads to feelings of safety—probably the most important ingredient in a happy marriage. Safety means that you know your partner would never take something you told them in confidence and deliberately hurt you with it. Trust paves the way for the confidence to share your feelings, emotions, and self with someone else, which promotes intimacy.

Because trust provides the foundation for nearly every relationship, a bond is threatened when someone lies, is unfaithful, or does something else to blow apart the trust between them. Without safety, honesty, and trust, the relationship won’t work the way it’s supposed to.

Enjoying time together and apart. Couples also need space for other friends, time to themselves, and quality time with their partner. This is not threatening to well-adjusted partners—after all, they have their own friends and want some time to themselves too. When people don’t have enough of their own space, they begin to feel trapped and suffocated. The quality of their life diminishes.

Fairness and equality. Relationships marred by power and control struggles start to lose their intimacy because you can’t afford to be vulnerable with someone who might use it against you. When one or both of you are enmeshed in a power struggle, the simplest of decisions such as “What time should we leave?” become fraught with angst and conflict. The need to be the top dog and have power over the other person is a quality that high-conflict people have in abundance.

Emotional intimacy and connection. This happens when each partner feels loved and (mostly) accepted the way they are. The more intimacy you have, the more rewarding the relationship is. But as I said in the last chapter, don’t confuse intensity with true intimacy. Intensity is hearts, chocolate, and flowers, while intimacy is when you can ugly-cry in front of your partner and feel safe that your partner will love and support you.

A mutually rewarding sex life. The fruit of trust and intimacy grows from a sexual relationship that works well and is satisfying for the both of you. This may mean striking compromises about frequency of sex, who initiates, and so forth. Neither partner should try to force the other to do something that goes beyond their comfort, although it’s also a good practice to try new things.

PP. 58-59 Excerpt taken from Stop Walking on Eggshells for Partners

Randi Kreger is coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells, and author or coauthor of three other books: The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, and Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents. Kreger is owner and moderator of the Moving Forward family support group, which can be accessed at her website: www.stopwalkingoneggshells.com. She has given presentations throughout the United States and in Japan. She also has a one-on-one coaching practice which can be accessed through her website.

Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD, is a family lawyer, therapist, and mediator in San Diego, CA. He is cofounder and chief innovation officer at High Conflict Institute, and trains lawyers, judges, mediators, and counselors worldwide in respectfully managing high-conflict disputes and personalities. He is author of more than twenty books and manuals, developer of the New Ways for Families method for separation and divorce, and blogger for Psychology Today with more than six million views. His website is www.highconflictinstitute.com.