What is Narcissistic Abuse?

By Katelyn Baxter-Musser, LCSW, C-DBT, author of The DBT Workbook for Narcissistic Abuse and Gaslighting

Narcissistic abuse is an insidious form of emotional abuse in which the perpetrator uses abusive and manipulative behaviors to dehumanize, isolate, and control or manipulate a person’s mental, behavioral, and emotional state, tearing apart their sense of self for their (the perpetrator’s) personal gain. If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re the victim of narcissistic abuse or not, you’re not alone. Narcissistic abuse is challenging to identify.

Narcissistic abuse can occur in any type of relationship, be it one with a colleague, a friend, a family member, or an intimate partner. While the characteristics of narcissistic abuse in these different types of relationships may be similar, there are behaviors specific to each type of relationship that can help you determine if you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse. Here’s a brief summary of these different behaviors; it is not exhaustive:

• Workplace colleagues—a colleague or boss who puts you and your work down; bullies you; is highly critical of you; undermines your performance and professional competence; takes credit for your achievements; manipulates your career opportunities for their own gain; engages in office politics to isolate and control you; humiliates or belittles you in front of others; demeans you; disregards your time, effort, and boundaries; and targets your professional identity, causing you to doubt your skills, qualifications, and self-confidence related to your work.
• Friendships—a friend who prioritizes their own needs and desires, creating a one-sided relationship in which your needs are dismissed or minimized; undermines or attempts to outshine your positive experiences and successes; makes you feel that it is a privilege to be their friend; puts you down; seeks out your praise; tries to sabotage your other relationships; talks negatively about you behind your back; spreads lies and rumors to manipulate others’ perceptions of you; lacks empathy; helps and supports you only when it benefits them; creates conflict and turmoil in friendships to keep the focus on them and their needs; has a constant need for validation and admiration.
• Family members—a family member who prioritizes their own needs; exploits and manipulates you for their gain; has unreasonable expectations; blames you for their problems; takes credit for or sabotages your successes and achievements; needs excessive attention; offers conditional love; minimizes your emotional needs; undermines your independence; pits family members against each other to divert attention away from their own behaviors; uses selective generosity to manipulate and control; violates your boundaries; disregards your need for privacy and dividual autonomy; uses emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, or threats of abandonment as tactics of manipulation and control.
• Intimate partner—a partner who pulls you into the relationship with love-bombing—idealizing you through excessive praise, compliments, attention, and positive gestures early in the relationship—only to later replace these behaviors with devaluation and criticism; systematically isolates you from your support system, increasing your dependence on them; uses intimacy as a means to control, reward, and punish you; exhibits extreme and irrational jealously; exploits your vulnerabilities; undermines your self-confidence; withholds affection; is highly critical and demanding; uses put-downs, insults, stonewalling, and blame-shifting; and ignores your boundaries.

As you can see, there are similarities in how narcissistic abuse unfolds in different relationships, but at the end of the day, no matter the context of the relationship, three things are ultimately true about narcissistic abuse:

1. Perpetrators manipulate, use, and control others for their own benefit and gain.
2. While there are common patterns and emotional consequences shared by survivors of narcissistic abuse, it is essential to remember that your journey of healing and recovery will be unique to you.
3. You are not to blame, and this was not your fault. No matter the form, abuse is a choice.

Identifying as a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and sharing your experiences, can be difficult. It is okay if you feel uncertain about opening up to others about your experiences, or if you feel as though you don’t know where to begin. You are in control of when and with whom you share your experiences of narcissistic abuse. It can be helpful and powerful to start sharing your experiences, even if it’s just on paper. Putting words on paper validates your experiences and can allow you to begin to organize your thoughts.

PP. 5-7 Excerpt taken from The DBT Workbook for Narcissistic Abuse and Gaslighting

Katelyn Baxter-Musser, LCSW, C-DBT, is a licensed clinical social worker, an eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) consultant, and is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)-certified through Evergreen Certifications. In addition to her private practice, she is a national presenter for PESI, having trained thousands of mental health professionals on DBT, trauma, intimate partner violence, and mindfulness.