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What to Do When You are Diagnosed Autistic as an Adult

By Jennifer Kemp, MPsych, co-author of The Neurodivergence Skills Workbook for Autism and ADHD

Around the world, millions of adults are realizing that they are autistic for the first time. Some people are recognizing that the experiences of autistic friends or family members mirror their own. Others are reading or watching videos that explore autistic lived experiences and are finding that these reflect their own strengths and difficulties.

Many of these people would never have been identified as autistic in childhood or adolescence. With the diagnostic criteria based on how autism presents in white American boys, and approximately 80 percent of autistic women remaining undiagnosed at age eighteen (McCrossin, 2022), millions of women are now discovering their neurodivergence for the first time. Many have been misdiagnosed with mental health or personality disorders and have struggled to access the supports they need.

Thankfully, things are changing. We have begun to embrace a broader understanding of autism beyond the negative stigma and limiting stereotypes, and can increasingly recognize what autism looks like in people who are nonbinary, transgender, indigenous, people of color, and in those from other cultures outside our own.

Like many of these women, I only discovered that I was autistic in midlife, at age forty-seven. (I then “levelled up” when I was diagnosed an ADHDer, at age forty-eight.) At first, identifying this in myself was extremely unsettling. I went on a deep dive into my past, analyzing my experiences and trying to understand how I missed this in myself. At first, was very self-critical, calling myself out for every social misstep I’d made, such as when I’d said the wrong thing or lost friendships. A lot of grief showed up with this, too. The feelings of loss were intense, yet over time, discovering I was autistic also created new opportunities for self-acceptance and self-compassion.

If you have only recently discovered that you are autistic—congratulations! Welcome to the vibrant autistic community. Here are some ways you can take to care for yourself as you make this adjustment.

Don’t rush telling everyone—take some time to get to know yourself first

Initially, after being diagnosed as autistic, I told only my immediate family and a few close friends. Beyond that, I gave myself a year to understand what this means to me before deciding whether I wanted to be more public about my autistic identity. I knew I needed all that time to get comfortable with this change before telling others. Looking back, I’m glad I took this time for research and self-reflection, as it allowed me to deepen my insight and speak confidently about my identity to others.

Discover what it means to be autistic through autistic stories

Explore widely. Watch videos, listen to podcasts, read books, and talk to other autistic people. Find the experiences that connect to your own. Post-diagnosis, autism quickly became my ‘special interest’ or ‘spin.’ Researching a book and listening to the stories told by my autistic clients have helped me deepen my understanding. If you enjoy reading research, look for studies published since 2022 in journals like Autism in Adulthood, where they explore topics like burnout, masking, belonging, well-being, and more.

Plan how you will explain your identity to others

As you begin to disclose your identity, you may hear any number of ill-informed opinions and well-meaning but invalidating comments like, “We are all a little bit on the spectrum”. Close family members can be the hardest people to get onside, particularly parents who see you as ‘normal’ because you are like them. To accept you as autistic could mean questioning their own identity. Consider how you will explain your identity and whether you’ll use identity-first language (e.g, “autistic person”). You’ll benefit from being prepared to answer their questions directly and address any negative comments calmly and confidently.

Acknowledge your emotions as valid as you adjust to your new identity

Discovering your autistic identity is like taking the red pill in the movie, The Matrix. Like Neo, you enter a universe that is the same on the surface; however, you can now see how it works. You become acutely aware of how you fit (or don’t fit) into the world, and this can be intensely uncomfortable. You cannot go back, and may find yourself flooded with loss, loneliness, frustration, fear, or disappointment for a while. It may feel like these emotions will overpower you, but with time they will pass. It can be helpful to seek the support of an affirming therapist, too. Increasingly, you will encounter moments of hope, belonging, appreciation, and pure autistic joy as you embrace who you are.

Find ways to make your life easier

Life isn’t supposed to be played in “hard mode” all the time. It is acceptable and valid to feel comfortable and to have energy left over at the end of the day. By being honest about your strengths and difficulties, it becomes easier to structure your life to work better for you. As much as possible, abandon activities that don’t interest you and play to your strengths. Ask for help and use body-doubling to get boring chores done. Unlock energy by engaging deeply with your interests.

Identifying that you are autistic gives you a code to unlock a more authentic you. Understanding your differences will allow you to treat yourself with greater self-compassion. You can learn when to rest, when to take steps to prevent burnout, and how to advocate for what you need. Over time, with some missteps along the way, you can learn to embrace your uniqueness. Your life will feel lighter, easier, and more joyful as you get to know yourself as a beautiful, messy, work in progress.

McCrossin, R. (2022). Finding the true number of females with autistic spectrum disorder by estimating the biases in initial recognition and clinical diagnosis. Children, 9(2), 272. https://doi.org/10.3390/children9020272

Jennifer Kemp, MPsych, is a privately practicing clinical psychologist based in Adelaide, South Australia, who works with neurodivergent adults experiencing perfectionism, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and chronic illness. Using a neurodiversity-affirming approach, Jennifer weaves together acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and behavioral and compassion-focused approaches with her own lived experience as a late-diagnosed autistic ADHDer, to help her clients improve their mental health and develop greater self-compassion, self-acceptance, and pride in their neurodivergent identity. Jennifer juggles clinical practice with writing, presenting, and clinical supervision. She is author of The ACT Workbook for Perfectionism.

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