By Anna Kress, PsyD author of Heal Your Past to Manifest Your Future
Surrender is the secret to manifesting what we want, but it’s a lesson few of us master easily. When we try to manifest a desire—maybe a new relationship, job, or home—we often find ourselves tightening our grip as the fear of it slipping away grows. We feel increasingly insecure and anxious, and can become controlling, reactive, and in need of constant reassurance. And yet, letting go is a crucial step to manifesting. Letting go helps us stay open and receptive to what we want, and prevents us from over-striving—trying so hard that we push away the very things we desire. But how do we get to a state where letting go is even possible? How do we surrender and trust that we’ll be okay?
Surrender Requires a Felt Sense of Safety
From a spiritual perspective, surrender isn’t about giving up; it’s about giving over. Surrender involves allowing your higher self or the Universe to be in the driver’s seat so you can sit back and enjoy the ride. When you’re surrendered, you detach from the outcome. You trust that things will work out and that even if you’re not seeing results yet, something good is happening behind the scenes. You might also believe that your plans could be blocking or getting in the way of the Universe’s plans and be willing to set yours aside. This requires relinquishing some control and understanding that you don’t have to solve everything yourself. It doesn’t mean that you don’t take action. You still do your part (maybe with the Universe’s guidance), and then allow the Universe to do the rest.
From a psychological perspective, surrender is a little more complicated. It can feel out of reach for many of us. Can you really trust that things will be okay no matter what? Do you have faith that the Universe is benign, if not caring? Or, due to unfortunate life experiences, do you believe that the world is a dangerous and unfair place? Do you think that the odds are stacked against you, or perhaps that the other shoe will drop if you’re momentarily successful? Maybe you imagine every worst-case scenario, and try to micromanage everything and everyone around you. Maybe you live with constant hypervigilance, searching and scanning for danger in an attempt to prevent being blindsided.
If the thought of surrender is terrifying, or at least unrealistic to you, you’re not alone.
After all, our nervous systems and the protective parts of our personalities aren’t there to relinquish control and trust in the manifestation process. They’re concerned with our survival, not living our dreams. Using force, or over-striving, comes from feelings of powerlessness. The more uncertainty we encounter and the less agency we feel like we have, the more controlling we become. The safer we feel, the easier it is to let go.
And yet, safety isn’t something we can simply turn on or off with our minds. The felt sense of safety is something we experience in our bodies—in our nervous systems. Once our bodies feel safer, it’s easier for us to release control and feel more trusting. Here are some tips for feeling safer in your body.
Three Tips for Creating Safety in Your Nervous System
- Notice signs of dysregulation. Notice signs that your nervous system is getting dysregulated—feeling unsafe and triggering a stress response. This might include signs of what’s called hyperarousal or hypoarousal. Hyperarousal includes indications of a fight-or-flight stress response: racing heart, rapid breathing, worry, restlessness, anger, anxiety, and irritability. Hypoarousal looks more like a freeze response and includes signs such as: lethargy, brain fog, hopelessness, despair, helplessness, numbness, and procrastination.
- Regulate. Once you’ve identified signs of dysregulation (and you’re not in immediate danger), work on getting your nervous system back to what’s called a ventral vagal state. In this state, you feel safe, connected, resourceful, hopeful, centered, and supported. If your nervous system is in a hyperarousal state, you can downregulate by singing, humming, dancing, exercising, cleaning, prolonging your exhales, shaking out your body, or splashing cold water on your face. If you’re in a hypoarousal state, you can upregulate your nervous system by taking a gentle walk, imagining taking a walk, drinking a warm cup of tea, texting a friend, or petting an animal.
- Restore. Give your nervous system a chance to restore or recover on a regular basis. This can look like spending extra time in nature, getting a massage, taking naps, detoxing from social media, attending a sound healing, or just taking things slower.
Be Patient and Gentle as You Work On Safety and Surrender
Give yourself plenty of compassion as you work on restoring feelings of safety in your body. It’s not easy, and none of us are regulated all the time. The goal is to have a more flexible and resilient nervous system, not a perfectly calm one. And, if you have a history of trauma, a therapist’s support can be helpful as you navigate nervous system dysregulation.
Once you experience more safety in your body, it will get easier to feel safe enough to surrender some control and believe that things will be okay (and that you’ll be okay no matter what). After all, it’s only when we’re ready to open our hearts and minds to life’s possibilities that we’re willing to be surprised by the unfolding of something new. That’s when surrender gets really exciting. When we have the nervous system capacity to pause rather than push, we step back far enough so that we can watch as things line up into the perfect opportunities and synchronicities for us. And, just maybe, it will be magical.
Anna Kress, PsyD, is a Princeton University-trained clinical psychologist with more than twenty years of experience helping people heal past wounds and manifest the life they’ve always wanted. Her work has been featured in a variety of popular media, and her private practice is based in Princeton, NJ. For more, visit www.drannakress.com.
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