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The Heart of the Fight

The Heart of the Fight
A Couple's Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer




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ISBN: 9781626252578
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$19.95In Stock
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About the Book

Every couple fights—it’s how you fight that can determine the success of your relationship. This book teaches you to look beyond what you and your partner fight about, and discover the core issues that undermine your relationship.

In the midst of a disagreement, many couples ask themselves, “What are we really fighting about?” Sound familiar? As it turns out, breakups and divorce don’t happen because couples fight, they happen because of how couples fight. In this much-needed book, Judith and Bob Wright—two married counselors and coaches with over thirty years of experience helping couples learn how to fight well—present their tried-and-true methods for exploring the emotions that underlie many relationship fights.

In this unique guide, you’ll learn how to use disagreements as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of your partner, bring more intimacy to the relationship, strengthen your bond, and really learn from the conflicts and tensions that occur between you. You’ll also learn how to navigate the fifteen most common fights couples have, including “the blame game,” “dueling over dollars,” “If you really loved me, you’d…,” “told-you-so’s,” and more.

If you’re ready to start fighting for your love, rather than against it, this book will show you how.


Judith Wright (Author)
Judith Wright, EdD, is a world-renowned couples and lifestyles coach, media favorite, inspirational speaker, lifestyles expert, professor, and corporate consultant. She is the award-winning coauthor of Transformed! and the best-selling author of... Read more

Books by Judith Wright

Bob Wright (Author)
Bob Wright, EdD, is an internationally recognized visionary, speaker, educator, consultant, coach, professor, and best-selling author. He cofounded the Wright Graduate University for the Realization of Human Potential to teach people to develop... Read more

Books by Bob Wright


The Heart of the Fight is an inspirational and eye-opening wake-up call for anyone who wants to create authentic, thriving relationships. From friendships to business relationships to spouses, this book provides great tools for relationships that really work. The book challenges the status quo and opens our eyes to a whole new way of looking at something.”
Jack Canfield, coauthor of the New York Times #1 best-selling book series Chicken Soup for the Soul

“I have known the Wrights for years and have always been impressed by their grounded approach to relationship and life. They bring an unusual blend of practicality and integrity to their cutting-edge work that eschews simple answers. Their groundbreaking method and research should take its place as simply the most practical, effective approach to maximizing couple and individual potential and satisfaction.”
Barnet Bain, film director of Milton’s Secret, producer of What Dreams May Come, and author of The Book of Doing and Being

The Heart of the Fight by Judith and Bob Wright is one of those books that is based on good social scientific evidence, the authors’ own and others’ research, and yet is written in a lively enough prose style that couples who need the advice will actually enjoy reading it.”
Barbara J. Risman,PhD, fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences, professor of sociology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, vice-president of the American Sociological Association, president of the Southern Sociological Society, and president of the board of the Council on Contemporary Families

“Judith and Bob Wright draw upon thirty years of research into couples, relationships, and human behavior, as well as their own long marriage, to tell an eye- and heart-opening truth: the conflicts we think we should avoid in our relationships are exactly where we have to go in order to achieve the genuine connection, intimacy, and mutual growth we want in our relationships. This is the must-have manual for lasting and meaningful relationships.”
Patricia Crisafulli, best-selling author, and founder of

“At last, here’s a brilliant manual for couples that really works. The secret: based on their extensive counseling of couples, Bob and Judith Wright explain why ‘great relationships require great fights.’ Don’t stop fighting, but learn from the Wrights how to fight properly and creatively while you battle your way to bliss. … If you feel your daily relationship is like going over Niagara Falls without a barrel, it’s time to get to calmer waters by fighting hard while fighting clean. This book will show you how.”
Larry Kirshbaum, former CEO of Time Warner Book Group, and literary agent

“The best relationships, from friends to dates to partners, are the ones where we are willing to deeply engage. The Wrights have put together a breakthrough guide that teaches how to develop the relationship muscles we all need by engaging rather than avoiding.”
Sonia Choquette, New York Times best-selling author of The Answer is Simple

“I know the Wrights and have seen their work. I’ve spoken with their students and been impressed by the vitality, clarity, and forthrightness of their interactions. We have discussed their research and I am consistently impressed by the solidity of their approach and the fact that they practice what they preach. What they are saying in The Heart of the Fight is grounded in years of experience and success. Don’t miss this opportunity to understand the basic elements and finer points of relationship success.”
Brad Anderson, former CEO of Best Buy

The Heart of the Fight is the first book I’ve ever read and loved this much that gives couples practical advice for reframing conflicts in ways that strengthen their ability to stay married forever! I was mesmerized with their new terminology for conflict and with their universally appealing ways to unlock and sustain healthy neurochemistry—even through rocky challenges that might normally take couples down paths of no return when conflict and crisis emerge. Heading into my forty-sixth year of marriage, I found some new and beautiful suggestions for ensuring that the strength of healthy conversations with my husband prevails. This is a must-read book for all couples ready to get married, or in a marriage they want to keep for life!”
Judith E. Glaser, author of Conversational Intelligence; CEO of Benchmark Communications, Inc.; and chairman of The CreatingWE Institute

“I love this book! Bob and Judith offer the best program I’ve seen for using the conflict that inevitably arises in marriage to help a couple create more intimacy. This is a must-read for anyone in a relationship or thinking about getting in a relationship.”
Cynthia Kersey, visionary and global humanitarian, founder and CEO of Unstoppable Foundation, and best-selling author of Unstoppable

“Lovers hate conflicts. Employees hate conflicts. Your pets hate conflicts. … But conflicts—and the fighting that ensues—are unavoidable, and the more deeply you love someone, or want to love someone, the more fights you are going to have. … But if you fight fairly, with love within your heart, your intimacy will prosper. Judith and Bob Wright will show you the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to fight, making this a rare and valuable book for every couple and spouse.”
Mark Waldman, executive MBA faculty at Loyola Marymount University, and coauthor of How Enlightenment Changes Your Brain

“The Wrights are not afraid to get down and dirty, right smack into the middle of the messiness of relationship. They teach that only by learning from our fights can we unlock the key to real connection and intimacy. They made believers out of us!”
Marc Malnati, owner of Lou Malnati’s Pizzeria; and Jeanne L. Malnati, LCSW, culture transformation expert
The Heart of the Fight starts with a mind-bending premise: that the purpose of relationships is not to make you happy; it is to make you your best. … Big thumbs-up for an unusual, powerful, insightful, and loving approach.”
Tony Simons, PhD, associate professor at Cornell University, and author of The Integrity Dividend

“Aspiring to the ideal of a ‘marriage made in heaven’ sets us up for disappointment. Conflict is part of every relationship—business and personal—and learning to develop the capacity for constructive discontent is truly the key to long-term relational success. This is a breakthrough book about the power of using conflicts to get closer—really closer—not the fairy-tale version, but the strong, robust kind that comes with shared experience, getting to know each other more deeply, and developing enduring trust.”
Blaine Bartlett, president and CEO of Avatar Resources, adjunct professor at Beijing University, and board member of the World Business Academy

“A unique and refreshing approach to embracing conflict in relationships, Bob and Judith practice what they teach—and boy, do they teach it with clarity. Brimming with new insights, [the book] is chock-full of grounded examples. It’s a must-read! Don’t miss the opportunity to take your relationship to another level.”
Ray Blanchard, PhD, visionary leader, coproducer of The ANSWER to Absolutely Everything, and coauthor of the best seller The Art and Science of Success

“I’ve read a number of books about how to better love your spouse or partner, but I have not seen or read a book about how to ‘fight’ better. We know that there will be fights, so why not learn how to fight more fairly? That made a lot of sense to me. But Bob and Judith went beyond just the basics to deliver an exceptional set of strategies for fighting for the ultimate goal—a sustainable, thriving relationship. Thanks for this tool that I know will benefit both me and my husband for many years!”
Melissa G. Wilson, coauthor of Networking is Dead

“All couples experience conflict and get into fights. The critical element is to not let the fight get the better of the relationship. Based solidly on research and counseling experience, Bob and Judith Wright have written a remarkable guide to help couples manage conflict and to turn what could be a lose-lose situation into a win-win.”
Ronald E. Riggio, PhD, Henry R. Kravis professor of leadership and organizational psychology at the Kravis Leadership Institute at Claremont McKenna College, and coauthor of Transformational Leadership

“Feel like fighting? Push pause for a bit and make sure you’re doing it the Wright way! Bringing Bob in to work with our leadership team in person last year took their ideas about effective engagement, fighting fair, and engaging in constructive conversations into play within our organization. It’s not always easy, but it’s very rewarding. The Wrights’ rules of engagement help us all to rise to the next level. Everything goes better when we master getting to the heart of the fight!”
Ari Weinzweig, author, and Paul Saginaw; co-owners and founding partners of Zingerman’s Community of Businesses, and winners of the lifetime achievement award from Bon Appétit magazine

“If you could be a fly on the wall listening to other couples, you would hear the same fifteen triggers that start most fights. Paradoxically, these explosions unearth treasures which, when mined properly, serve to strengthen the relationship. Bob and Judith’s book, based upon thirty years of experience in couples counseling, is essential reading for anyone in a relationship or hoping to be.”
David Mager, co-COO of Deepak HomeBase, and friend from Social Venture Network
“As a Jungian therapist who has worked with couples like Judith and Bob Wright write about in The Heart of the Fight, I found no hollow ring to any of their stories. Rather, they have laid out a game plan for couples to get out of the blame game and rediscover why they are together in the first place.”
Albert Clayton Gaulden, founding director of The Sedona Intensive, and author of You’re Not Who You Think You Are

“Bob and Judith Wright have provided us with an amazing playbook for couples who want to experience the joy of authentic intimacy. The Heart of the Fight is a powerfully practical resource for transforming you and your couple.”
Rich Blue, MA, LCPC, NCC, BCPPC, author of Surprised by God, and founder and clinical director of the Center for Christian Life Enrichment

“Judith and Bob Wright excel at connecting the dots between dreams and deliverables. Highly mutual and grounded in practicality, their tools and strategies have catalyzed key personal transformations in me that have been essential for growth and success in business and the world.”
Matt Booty, former president and CEO of Midway Games

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