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axrtroyThe best book on dating I've ever read
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July 20, 2017
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I picked up "Shy, Single and Looking for Love" on a whim after a quick google search on social anxiety and dating. How lucky I was to discover it!
I am only about halfway through the book, and it has already made a significant difference in my life! The questionnaires, the mindfulness exercises and the plan of action have been immensely helpful and insightful.
As a guy in my early 30s, I have gone through various other sources of dating advice throughout the years, most of them however were misogynistic and created additional and unnecessary self-loathing (the pickup culture, various dating podcasts (you know which ones)). In hindsight, seeing a psychologist would have probably been more helpful for me than all that other "dating" advice or advice from friends or family who don't share my values.
I wasn't even aware of how socially anxious I was until i scored many 3s and 4s in your first quiz in the book (which is used to gauge your social anxiety).
The action plan in this book works. Dr. Kolakowski offers various exercises throughout the book which require time and effort to dig deep and see what exact thought patterns are holding you back. She incorporates ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) which basically encourages you to stop trying to cope with your fears and instead allow them to be and simply be seen as thoughts and feelings that come and go. She explains it as Accept (accept your anxiety, for example), Choose (figure what are the things in life that matter to you and who you want to be and let go of previous thoughts about yourself), and Take action (with a goal in mind you work towards it and work on redefining your identity to live a life that is more in line with your true self). So if you have this mental image of yourself that you aren't capable of dating attractive women because you feel you are really awkward around women, even though that is clearly what you want for yourself, you can accept those thoughts but not let them define you and limit you taking actionable steps towards actually achieving it, if that makes sense. All without the use of games, or lines, or being overly self-critical or self-loathing when you fumble.
Take the first action steps for example. You start taking action by making eye contact and smiling with at three people (old, young, guy, girl, doesn't matter at first) while on a walk. Then you smile and say hi to everyone. Then you start making small talk with people in line at the grocery store, or serving your coffee, etc. You basically work up your social muscle, and eventually you move on to starting to approach people you find attractive and putting yourself in situations where you can meet potential partners. Yes, this approach isn't that much different from a lot of the dating advice out there, HOWEVER the big difference here is the focus on genuineness, authenticity and most importantly self-compassion and acceptance. It doesn't feel gamey at all and that was what was most important for me. I finally felt like I already have everything I need to be successful, I just have to overcome myself (my thoughts patterns holding me back).
All of this is done with mindfulness and meditation exercises which help you accept feelings of embarrassment, anxiety, envy etc. This is the key part of all of this. I think part of this she incorporates from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) if I am not mistaken.
I cannot recommend this book enough! I haven't finished it yet but felt the need to write a review because it has already helped me. I plan to read and reread this book and work on the exercises as I go about my dating life. I almost want a more dedicated program. I feel like this type of behavioral therapy should be mandatory in school. I know a few single people who would also benefit from this book and plan to give them copies.
Thank you, Dr. Kolakowski for showing me how to accept how I feel but not let it define me in regards to my dating life. You made me realize this was my major worry in my life and the source of most of my anxiety, and now I feel I have the tools (this book) to work through it and finally conquer my dating life.
